I agree- chemistry is a must, obviously, and that’s not shallow. It sucks, it really sounds like he’s a great guy so I hate it for you that you’re just not feeling it for him. IME, chemistry can definitely develop later, but I’d think that by now if you’re not feeling a* little *something then you never will. I think you should cut him loose now before you really break his heart. Everybody deserves somebody who has the hots for them.
Full stop. That’s the end of the line. Sitting around hoping to become attracted to him is wasting your time and his.
Well, I enjoy his company, we have a connection; I guess I feel a little something for him, but for me, it seems like it’s more of a “When Harry Met Sally” relationship before they had sex - great friends, lots in common, we “get” each other - I don’t dread the sex, I just don’t look forward to it.
I’ve been in relationships before where we couldnt’ keep our hands off each other and could spend the day in bed, but the rest of it didn’t work. Here, it’s the opposite. I hate to give him up and lose the emotional connection; I freely admit that it feels great to have someone so loopy over me after being alone for so long; and it feels great to be treated so well by a man, because, well…I’m just not used to being treated so well.
There’s a French proverb that goes something like, “In love, there’s one who kisses, and one who offers the cheek.” Is it so bad to be the one who offers the cheek? Is affection enough to develop into attraction?
I guess it just depends on what you’re looking for, then. Sure, for some women it would be enough for them to be treasured, and a lot of relationships and even life-long marriages are lopsided like that. The only question, then, do you think that you could be happy being in a relationship with someone that you don’t have the hots for? I don’t think I could be, although I do concede that sometimes that all goes away after the first few years, anyway, and then you’re left with basically what you’re describing.
I suspect that if you did take the next step with him you’d just live your life waiting for someone you did have strong romantic feelings for to come along. I don’t really think that’s fair to either of you.
I admit I’m afraid of just this. That I’d feel like I was missing something, or that I’d “settled”.
Chemistry *may *develop, but it’s not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship because you *might *suddenly hit some breakthrough and suddenly become physically attracted to this man. And, if you’ll pardon the tautology, chemistry is important when it’s important. Which is to say: if you are the kind of person for whom it’s important to be physically attracted to your partner (and since you’re asking these questions, I’d say you are), then chemistry *is *important.
Breaking up with someone because they don’t meet your needs isn’t shallow. Stringing along someone who doesn’t meet your needs until you meet a better match would be.
No. Or at least there’s no guarantee, and you shouldn’t hang around waiting. (Obligatory xkcd link.)
I’m just going to take a second to be frustrated here. A little bit up thread I mentioned that I was talking to one girl and got an email from a second. Taking the advice of the people here, I decided to ‘talk’ to both of them. One of them hasn’t been online in well over a week (though she said she was in the middle of moving, so it’s entirely possible she doesn’t have internet access right now) the other asked for my phone number (I gave it to her) and that was the last I heard from her, save one very strange email.
So, I emailed a ‘probably out of my league’ girl, we’d been talking back and forth for a few days (3 from her, 4 to her over 4 days) and then…nothing. Just disappeared. I see her pop on and off line a few times a day, and she’s always on at least once a night for about a half hour. I try to use that half hour to answer some questions, edit my profile etc, knowing it’ll pop up on her page. Every other day or so I look at her profile so she knows I’m still interested, but, nothing.
I think I’m going to send my ‘reminder’ email today. Something along the lines of “Hi there, I enjoyed talking to you last week, if you’re still at all interested, I’d love to keep talking, otherwise, good luck”
Like I said, she’s one of those ‘out of my league’ people so it’s entirely possible she’s getting bazillions of emails and mine just got lost in the shuffle. But the fact that she actually replied to me, implies that she at least had some interest to begin with. The other reason I like sending this type of email is that there’s a good chance she’s now talking to someone else, this let’s her know that if she wants to start talking to me again, that’s okay. She doesn’t have to be embarrassed that she dropped me out of nowhere (that’s all part of the game).
BTW, it drives me nuts that the OKC tab in Firefox keeps doing something. I assume it’s pinging the server to see if it needs to flash “XXxFireGirl1980xXX just viewed your profile”.
NETA, if anyone has the Android App for OKCupid, you have to go to Settings->Applications->Manage Applications and click on the Running tab and force kill the app each time you use it. If you don’t do that, your profile will always show you as online. For some people, I know that doesn’t bother them, but I a)worry someone might not want to send an email to you if your signed on. I know when I was newer to this, I waited for people to sign off to send them an email and b)I don’t like always being online as it gives the impression I spend all day sitting in front of the computer. Also, if anyone uses ‘last online/online now’ as part of their search criteria you’ll always be at the bottom of that. For that reason, when I am sitting at my computer with OKC in that background, I like to sign off and back on from time to time to get back to the top of that search. Also, if anyone has you saved as a favorite it’ll catch their eye when you do that.
Brah, this is what happens with 50% of the girls I wind up talking with. Unless I’m just an incredible ass (very likely) that’s just how it goes. She was bored/interested enough to send those first few messages but she isn’t anymore.
I’m going to give you the same advice I give everyone else: There’s nothing to lose so you might as well, but there’s almost no chance that it’ll accomplish anything. No, your message didn’t just get lost in the shuffle. She knows that you’re visiting her profile every day. I feel for you, man.
I’ll say it again. I’ve said it upthread to several other people as well as myself. What’s she going to do, ignore me more…Well, I guess she could email me back and tell me to stop talking to her, but I don’t see that happening.
If you already know it’s a good idea then why are you asking for advice here? Go message her.
I did, got the expected response…nuthin.
Next question. What’s the polite way to say “Are you a partygrrrl, cuz, um, nevermind then?”
The next girl I’m looking to email has a somewhat generic profile with things like “I could go out or I could stay in” “I love going to local happy hours with my friends or staying home and watching Family Guy” type stuff. Kinda hard to get a read on her with those statements. Also, based on her pictures she looks like the type that likes to go out ALOT, she looks like the type of girl who brings a new guy home to mom every month. But looks aren’t everything. To add to that there’s a statement in her profile where she says what she likes to do when she’s single and then goes on to say “Relationship me would probably enjoy…” which further cements the idea that she doesn’t spend a lot of time in long term relationships. Her profile seems to scream “I hang out with/date douche bags” (Several kissy-face pictures don’t help) But, again, she’s got a generic-ish profile so it’s hard to tell.
Maybe I’ll take a pass on this one.
If you aren’t interested in women who go to bars/clubs then you’d probably want to pass on one who tells you that she likes going to bars/clubs.
I don’t mind at all going to bars (don’t care for clubs). I’m interested in women who like to go to bar for a for a few hours once or twice a week. I’m not interested in women who consider their life a bore if they don’t close a bar 4 or 5 times a week. One of OKC’s questions is
I am looking for someone to:
A)Go out with
B)Come home to.
I am very much looking for someone to “come home to.” Does that make more sense. I’m 30, I have a house and a 4 year old daughter. Going out drinking more then once or twice a week just isn’t who I am.
I’d rather call my girlfriend and say “Hey, I’ll be home from work in an hour, do you want to meet me there and we can go grab something to eat and then maybe run to Target and see if we can find a nightstand for your apartment” more often then “Well, we went to Club 702 the last three nights, let’s go somewhere else tonight”
I know I know, that sounds boring, but I’m not interested in a fling, I’m looking for a long term thing. I just don’t see a good solid long term relationship being based on someone who you spend the first three months with in bars and clubs. It works well for some people, just not me.
Anyways, what I was saying is that I’m can’t get a good read based on what this girl wrote in her profile. These are the times when i wish I had one of my close friends here that I could get a second opinion from. In fact I was thinking about asking her to setup a fake profile just so I could send her usernames and she could tell me what she thought.
I hear you, but you said that she says she loves going to local happy hours and that she certainly looks the part in her pictures. Have you browsed through her answered questions? You might be able to find out if she’s the partier type there.
Yeah, she only answered a handful of them. She’s kind of on my list of “I’m not going to email her (unless I can find out more about her), but if she emails me…” people. It’s like sending out an imaginary wink.
Well, let’s see. Met one woman for lunch a couple weeks ago, and then went to a Museum, but it feels like it’s more of a friends thing.
Just sent a message to someone new who seems rather interesting.
The recent talk of OkC Dating Persona Test results got me curious as to what mine turned out as most recently. Apparently these days I’m The Peach.
I clicked on that link to read the description. Just below it was this rather alarming notification: