It does that anytime you click on the links to read what they are, for some reason. (I noticed the same thing when I was clicking around to read other descriptions.) Doesn’t actually change anything.
I’m a little late to this, but… shouldn’t he have someone who can offer him the same thing? It’s been my experience that if you’re not sure you’re into someone, you aren’t.
Hi guys, back with questions about my future MIL. So she’s finally filling out her OKC profile (she was supposed to do this months ago but kept coming up with excuses). She’s actually excited about it now (I suspect because several of her single friends are doing it, and a college roommate of hers just got engaged and they met on Match). Last night she asked me for help with it, which I gladly provided. But she’s a little wary (as I would be) of listing her education level - she doesn’t want her phD scaring off guys who, say, didn’t go to college and have decent jobs, homes, etc. She admits she’d have more in common with them (she grew up working class) than she does with most of her colleagues. Then again, there seems like no easy way around this - I suggested listing a Master’s degree, but she doesn’t want to lie. What are your thoughts?
Her methodology would be something like this: try OKC, see if there are people her age. If not, within a month also hop onto either match or eharmony - do you guys have strong suggestions for either one producing better quality dates?
Should could leave it blank and then explain herself somewhere in the profile. “I have a PhD from ____ University. But don’t let that scare you I still _______” or should could just put in that she’s graduated college and leave it at that.
Ahhh I see Joey, weave it into the profile but don’t disclose it in the drop-down boxes so people wouldn’t instantly write her off.
That’s probably her best bet. I’d still mention it so the educated men that are looking for an educated woman don’t dismiss her though.
To that end I’d probably say something like "I have a PhD from [School], but don’t worry guys even though I [something educated], I still [something, um, uneducated]
debate politics and religion, drink like a sailor
make $75K, love dive bars
can write a dissertation, read the sports section
love a dry martini, throw back PBRs
like country clubs, enjoy sitting in a friends backyard, wearing a tube top with me feet in the pool.
Or whatever makes sense. Be careful though. It seems like the majority of the profiles out there are like this. Claiming to like both things just as much (the most common thing I see is “I’m always up for a night on the town or just staying at home watching a movie”) After you see enough of these the become pretty generic and you start to ignore them. One thing she needs to do is really decide what she wants and put that in the profile. Is she truly, honestly okay with a college grad OR a non college grad or if she really really thinks about it, would she prefer one over the other. A few months ago I took all the wishy washy stuff out of my profile. I finally said “To hell with it, I would prefer to stay home over going out” and I changed my profile to reflect that. I know I could never really be happy dating someone who prefers to go out more often then stay in.
And I look for that in other peoples profiles as well. Whenever I see one that says “I like to go out OR stay in” (in more words then that). I have to assume it’s not totally true and seems like if she ends up being the ‘going out’ type person we’ll both be disappointed/bored with each other down the line. She needs to be honest with herself.
Don’t forget, it’s not all about attracting guys, she can use the site to go out looking for them as well. An email to them is a great way to clarify herself to them in a way that reflects some of their interests as well.
She definitely would be okay with someone without a college degree; what’s a lot more important to her is someone who has a steady job and similar interests. I doubt she’d even been focused on the good income thing at all except for her past, because her ex kept bouncing from job to job and paid the state minimum child support, despite having a greater earning potential than she. Of course she won’t be so direct with the income thing on her profile. She’s not looking for a baby daddy, just for someone she doesn’t have to support (again).
She’s concerned about the phD because some men that she’s met in the past (married or not) have said “ooo, a phD” like it’s a mystical thing, even if they’re college grads, so she doesn’t want to scare of college grads and non-college grads alike, if that makes sense. She’s the staying in type, too, but if she did go out it would be to things that are low-key, like a play.
But I see what you’re saying; often I think people (especially women) like to think of themselves as well-rounded, so even though they go out 90% of the time, they want to come off as the type who likes to watch a movie, too. I have a good friend from college like that; she and I were study partners in a few classes and were good friends, but where I said “I’m going to the theater tonight and then relaxing at home” she’d be looking forward to doing shots at the new bar in town. Nothing wrong with that, except she kept insisting how she wanted a guy she could “stay in with”, but then would drift apart from guys who liked to do exactly that (or worse, she’d meet guys in bars). And from what you’ve said in the past, they also mention it in their profiles to boot. I’ll be sure she mentions some more low key things she likes to do (garden, watch movies, make a multi-step dinner).
“I have a PhD from [ ] and I work in [field], while I’m not at all concerned about how much my date makes or what he does for a living, it is very important (all that is important to me is) that he has as steady job and pays his bills.” That needs some tweaking. It almost sounds like the writer is implying that she’s looking to date someone that makes less then her, but I think it gets the point across.
Something I read in someone elses profile that might work: “And please be financially stable…I will never ask you to pay my bills or support me…I just do not want to have to pay you bills or support you”
Again it needs to be reworded a bit, for starters it sounds a bit white trashy and it was coming from a person who listed her income as <25k. But I think you could paraphrase it to get the point across. Maybe change “be financially stable” to “have a stable job/income”
Or just a simple note in the “message me if” section that just says “you have a stable job” mixed in with the other statements.
Wow, I just sent my worst email ever. It was basically, “Hi, you’re profile is really lacking, based on the three sentences you wrote we don’t have anything in common, read my profile maybe we do…I like that one picture of you” but written much much nicer then that. It was one of those people who’s profile I’ve been stopping by every few days waiting for her to fill it out. Finally said to hell with it, I’ll do the best I can with what I have to work with and get it out of my system. At least I can say I tried. If I don’t hear back from her in a few days I’ll block her from search. Then at least I’ll forget about it in a week.
In other news I also sent out a very well written perfectly nice letter to another girl that lists in her questions that said “no” to “Would you date an Athiest” and just to get it out of the way I mentioned in my email that I’m an Athiest but 100% respectful of other faiths etc etc.
So I just moved to a new city and last week, went on three (!!) first dates with guys that I’d been chatting with online prior to actually moving.
Yeah, I know, it’s so easy for girls. :smack: But it’s not easy for me! My brain is melting.
My problem is that I’ve never really done the whole dating thing. My prior relationships have been pretty casual. Plus, I’ve been out of the country for 3 years, and I was deeply socially awkward before that. So I don’t really know how the kids are doing this whole dating thing these days (just for reference, I’m 25.)
Anyways, all three of the guys were really nice, which makes it even more awkward. But none of them were an immediate click, either–one guy I’m really attracted to, he’s like one of my ideal “types,” but we kinda have different goals in life, one guy I’m less immediately attracted to but we are at more similar points in our life, one guy is really cool and likes the same obscure music and fashions that I do but again kinda different points in our life and he lives a bit far away… of course, these were all only first dates, so it’s ridiculous to even try to judge, but it’s kinda ridiculous right now–I mean dating 3 guys at once would be ridiculously time consuming, for one thing. Heh. Also, even if I don’t end up dating ANY of them, they are all, like I said, super interesting and funny people and I want to be friends with.
How in the world do I maneuver this?? I’m sure I’m going to mess it all up. All 3 of the guys said they wanted to see me again. If I sleep with the really hot one, is it like immoral to keep dating other people? 
I mean, there’s no tactful way to say “I’m not really sure if I am even capable of a relationship right now, but do you wanna get it on anyways?”, is there?
Seriously, I also just started a new job and moved to a new part of the country and my brand new apartment I just moved in to is an empty shell… my life is ridiculous and I’m feeling so overwhelmed right now. I know it’s one of those things that sounds like a brag in disguise, but I honestly feel freaked out by this whole thing–my dating life was pretty much nil, where I used to live, and this sudden buffet of available men is ridiculous.
You haven’t done the dating thing. I didn’t date at all in high school. The first person I did something even remotely like dating was when I was in college (she was in HS still). She was so head over heals for me I could do no wrong, so I really never had to do the whole flowers/romantic dinners/dancing thing. We got married and then divorced 6 years later and here I am. I was with the same person for 11 years and no one before that. I know how you feel.
Anyways, you’ll have to see each of them a few more times I assume. But I would say, if you can reconcile your goals, guy #1 sounds like your best bet. Your best bet might be to just put off the whole dating thing until you settle into your new life. The thing I see happening is that with so much else going on in your life you wind up staying with the hot one. The one that’s all sex and nothing else. It would be the ‘easiest’ of the three. But after a few months once your life sorts itself out, you’ll find that you’re looking for more then just a booty call.
IMO, just list the damned thing under the educational drop-down. Any guy who’d be intimidated by a woman with a PhD enough to specifically exclude it from his searches is going to pass right by her as soon as he finds out she has one, anyway, and she’ll be potentially excluding herself from the searches of men who would be interested in her.
Not unless any of the people in that equation have a reason to expect exclusivity.
More or less just like that.
That’s also the consideration. She’s been crafting her whole OKC thing over the past few days, so I don’t know if she’d rather work it in (like JoeyP said) or just come right out and say it, since she’s wary of not being completely straightforward (my argument being that nothing in the early stages of dating is honest or straightforward). I feel like this is a uniquely female consideration, seeing as I’ve never heard a woman express a desire for her partner to NOT have the same level (or higher) of education as she has, whereas I’ve heard many men say they wouldn’t want to date someone with a higher degree.
IME and IMO, honesty is the best policy when it comes to these sorts of things. You have a small chance of teaching someone a lesson and breaking them of their prejudice, and a much larger chance of just wasting both your time and theirs.
Agreed. I’m a single guy perusing OKC and that would be a plus in my book.
So I went to a wedding on Friday (stag). The next morning I was looking at all the pictures people had put up on Facebook throughout the night…didn’t think much about any of them. As they day progressed and people had been signing on to facebook and started tagging the pictures (since they just uploaded them from their phones throughout the night), I recognized the name of one of the bride’s maids. It’s a common enough name, but a slightly different spelling. Clicked on it and found her pictures were public. After looking though all her albums, I realized she’s on OKC. Not only that, she’s someone who’s profile I had looked at many times trying to decide if I wanted to send her an e-mail or not. As I now see, the pictures on her OKC profile must be out dated by at least 2 or 3 years. I can understand seeing someone in public and not recognize them after seeing pictures of them, but the fact that I had to go back and forth between OKC and FB over and over to realize they were the same person shouldn’t happen. The only way I realized it was her was that she had the same glasses and on OKC she mentioned liking Phish and on FB she had pictures from a Phish concert.
I know sometimes those old pictures are much more flattering, but if you look significantly different it’s time to update them.
Welcome to internet dating: Where people think that if they can lure you in with old pictures, you’ll somehow magically not have a reaction five times worse to their current appearance when you eventually find out about it than you would have had from just seeing it in the first place.
I just uploaded a new pic, want to meet for coffee?
Future MIL updated me on her OKC adventure yesterday. She has a horrible picture up (she looks 10lbs fatter and unhappy in it!) so I promised to do a photo shoot for her this coming weekend. She mentioned that she now realizes she was unrealistic about the “guy without a college degree” thing - that most of the profiles she looked at that didn’t have degrees had tidbits like “I have to be honest right now: I don’t have a car”. Sorry, but for someone who owns her home outright and has no debt at all save for a few months on her car, that’s just not something she should wade into. She said that she didn’t find a single guy who appeared to have a steady job or take care of his appearance (sans degree), so she’s going to start filtering those results out. Universally she won’t exclude the, but they won’t be as big of a part of her foray as she initially thought.
What I find most interesting is that the whole process is causing her to be more honest with herself - who she is, what she wants, how she looks - in a very concrete way. She’s letting the OKC thing run its course through the end of next week and then hopping on eharmony or match in the hopes of finding better quality responses and the like.
My, you’re looking awfully mature for your age.