Men get grey hair early in my family.
That didn’t take long. For me it took probably close to 4 or 5 months before I had a more or less concrete idea of what I was looking for. Of course, by concrete I mean abstract. It’s not that I have this image of who I want and I’m going to spend the rest of my life looking for her (it’s more of a range, or a set of parameters if you will), but I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for and I don’t plan to settle for less. This has the down side of rarely actually meeting anyone, but on the other hand, since I’m really not looking for anything short term/casual I’m not planning to date someone that I don’t think I’d be happy with in the long term.
You’re right, she did start forming ideas pretty quickly Joey. My concern is getting her out on a date just to get back into the saddle. I don’t want her to be too picky; I’d rather her have an average date just so she practices what it’s like to be in that situation.
I’ve been with my wonderful SO for two years on Wednesday, and the other day someone hit on me and I was totally unaware of what was going on while it was happening. Just two years out of the game and I’m like a fish out of water - I can’t imagine what it must be like for her.
So here’s something interesting. I was composing an email and went to the tab where I had her profile open and got (pop up) error that said “Potentially dangerous characters were removed from the body Characters like {<>/} are not allowed”
Yes, I had a “<” in the email. I wonder why they consider that dangerous.
Oh, and I’ve turned into a bit of a curmudgeon. I’ve started reporting anyone who has a line such as “I’m not a full member here, if you want to contact me, you’re best bet would be at a place called _____ ______” (fill in one of several sites). Reported two of them a little while ago. They both had different sites listed, but I assume they are the same person since they keep signing on and off within minutes of each other. It’s not just that they say that that bugs me. It’s that these people wink without even looking at your profile which tells me it’s just spam.
I think the idea is that people might be embedding HTML tags that would be acted upon (likely with nefarious purposes) by the server or by her computer when it receives the message.
Where’s she located? Maybe someone with a Ph.D. here, and about her age might be interested.
Because they’re used in HTML markup.
Ah yes, little Bobby Tables.
Ok I’ve got to know this. On Ok Cupid is it normal for people’s profile to just disappear? I was messaging someone for a week or so, and getting ready to ask her to do something and one day it was gone. Now, a week later she’s back and nothing seems to have changed. We seemed to have a good conversation going so I’m hoping she wasn’t dissing me! I did send her a quick message again saying why I hadn’t said anything to her for a week.
So does this happen sometimes, or did she delete her profile so I would stop messaging her?
It’s possible she’s talking to more then just you. Many girls will, when they meet someone IRL, shut down their profile for several possible reasons, including, but hardly limited to
1)To be fair to the new guy, they don’t want to be talking to someone else while trying to make it work with him
2)Helps them concentrate on the relationship that isn’t in cyberspace. It’s easier when they aren’t getting 14 emails every day from guys.
3)They are clingy and suddenly instead of spreading their affection over a bunch of different guys they’re working on smothering just one of them.
and many many other reasons.
Personally, I would have sent one of two messages. If your conversation was going really well I would have sent something along the lines of “Heeeey, you’re back, so anyways…” and just jumped right in. If you weren’t getting a “I’m really into you” vibe, I’d send one along the lines of “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while, if you’re still interested, I’d love to continue our conversation…”
I wouldn’t really ask about what happened. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you (to which I usually reply, “Hey, that’s part of the game” or something along those lines to make sure she knows I’m not insulted).
And the trouble I always have rears its ugly head. How the hell do you even start talking to what may very well be a perfect woman (at least for me)? Even just reading her online profile sets my heart racing, but when I start trying to think of what I could write to make myself stand out from the mass of men who must be dropping messages on her daily that also doesn’t come off as too aggressively creepy, I come up completely blank. Originality is simply not my strong suit.
Some days I swear I’m no better than an awkward teenager.
Personally, I read the profile, look at the pictures (and if you’re on OKC, I look at all the questions) then instead of figuring out what I want to write, I figure out what I would say. I actually sort of mumble it under my breath, kind of a fake conversation and I use that to write the email. Actually, that’s what I do most of the time I have to write something to someone else. Even, for example, on a message board. If I can’t figure out how to word something I ask myself how I would respond in person when I don’t have an hour to figure it out.
So think about it that way. Imagine this person came up to you and as she walked over you were magically granted all the information contained in her profile. In fact, you were even given an opening line.
Title: Hi there…
Body: I ran across your profile and I have to say, I’m always happy to see someone that takes the time to proofread their own profile. I’m amazed at how many people’s profiles look like they were written by 3rd graders on their cell phone.
So anyways, I see you like…
(I assume you can figure out if this would apply to your potential match or not…oh, and make sure there’s no spelling errors your email. If the person I’m writing it to has a few I add in something along the lines of "A missing apostrophe or typo here or there isn’t a big deal, but it seems a lot of people don’t know the difference between there and their or your and you’re or write things like “ur cute, i think im the 1-4-u see ya l8tr lotsa <3”
(there’s that pesky < you can’t use on match)
If this is on OKC or Match and you want to PM me the username I’d be happy to take a look and see if I can come up with something to get you started…OTOH if that’s awkward, pretend I didn’t mention it.
Remember, this first email isn’t trying to make this huge connection, it’s a way to get her to look at your profile, let her know that you have some interest in her and give her something to reply to (I always make sure to include at least one question mark in each email).
Bosstone, pick one particular thing and go on that. Does she mention doing one particular thing, say boating? Tell a story about the time your dog shredded your lifejacket and you had to drive to the Marina to get a new Type III vest but on the way there you were stopped by a cop who didn’t accept your excuse until you told her your uncle went into intensive care that week. Does she list a particular movie or TV show you love? Pick a character or focus on a piece of the plot you found made the series or the movie fantastic. Women get lots of emails, but 90% of those are from dumb morons who say “Hey how’s it going?”. Really, that’s all they say. Or “you look cute/nice/hot/wanna hang out?”. Obviously you’re different just by virtue of being thoughtful and actually interested in what she wrote, so you’ve already got a leg up. You’re not looking to say something to her, you’re looking to reveal something about yourself and your likes and dislikes while you talk to her.
I forget who said it earlier in the thread, but basically just start typing/talking as if you’re already in a conversation. Don’t think about the beginning, just start talking as if you’re mid-conversation. Try what Joey suggested - say aloud what you’d say to her in real life, but as though you’re already talking. You don’t have to be ultra witty to be noticed, just genuine and articulate.
Yeah, I write like I talk no matter what anyway. Starting a conversation in the middle falls in the creepy category, just IMO. If I got something like that I’d be apt to get weirded out and wonder who this person is. Some decent ideas otherwise though, thanks.
Also, and I know this is pretty crass, but…if you fuck it up, a new perfect woman will show up. I’ve been on match and OKC for about 8 months now. I’ve sent out, I don’t know, maybe 30 emails to different people. Of all those people, I have about 4 ‘perfect woman.’ Of course, that could just be on paper, IRL they might be awful people or at least terrible matches. But I’ve got these four woman that unless I was getting really involved with someone and it was IRL, I’d drop everything if one of them would send me an email. What I’m saying is, I’ve emailed these 4 people (twice each I think) and it sucks when I get no response*, but eventually another one comes along.
*There’s one or two that I really want to send a third email to that says “C’mon, I’ve been here 8 months, you’ve been here longer then me, gimme a shot, what have you got to lose” But I don’t.
The first time I had that thought I remembered a piece of advice I had read months before I started internet dating. Someone mentioned that if you send an email and don’t get a response, don’t follow up with a nasty email. I kind of blew it off thinking “Who the hell would do that?” Then I realized it’s rather tempting. Not that I’ve ever done it, but there’s a few times I’ve wanted to send one that says “What the hell, I wrote you a nice email, I spent time on it, I proofread it, from what I’d guess it’s probably better then 99% of the others you get. I’m not a model, but I don’t think anyone would kick me out of bed and what…you don’t even have the decency to look at my profile. FU…” Of course, I would never never NEVER send something like that, but it sure crosses my mind from time to time. I also think that for a lot of people I could be prince freaking charming in a Brad Pitt costume but they see “Has 1 Child” and “Smokes” and they don’t even slow down.
I’ll stick with my suggestion, my basic formula is
A)Complement how well written her profile is. It’s just a boring/mundane/robotic ice breaker which let’s you…
B)say “So anyways I see you like…”[TV show/movie/hobby/traveling/something/anything to which you can then act like she came up to you and said “Hi there I like _____ what about you?” Even if you can’t find something in her profile you have in common, you can say that you’ve always wanted to try it or learn about it. Remember, not going for a deep connection here, just an ice breaker so the conversation can start evolving
C)I’m not sure if this is weird or not, but I try to complement one of her pictures “By the way, I really like the black and white picture, but then, I’m a sucker for black and white pictures” or “I like the picture of you with the purple sweater”
and finally D)If you’re interested, shoot me an email, I’d love to talk to you…Hope to hear from you --Name
I don’t strictly follow this, but most of my emails are along these lines.
For me it’s that “So anyways…” that let’s me jump into the real part of the email. Everything else is just to make that part less awkward.
The other thing I do, is look at some of the emails I’ve received. I’ve have gotten some very well written ones over the last few months and sometimes if I really can’t figure out what to write, I read one of them and base mine on that one.
Joey, I hate to say it, but statistics are not on your side on smoking. Only 20% of the adult population smokes (though it often seems like 90% at bars) and for many women, smoking is a dealbreaker, sight unseen and unmet. Off the top of my head I can only think of three actual dealbreakers I have - smoking, doing drugs, and an STD. I’d be willing to bet at least two of those women did read your profile, did like what they saw, but are 100% unwilling to date a smoker. Sorry
Yeah, intellectually I know that. It’s not so much “perfect” as it is just someone who meets most of the criteria I’m shooting for. There’s plenty such women out there, even in the same city.
Don’t be sorry, I’m more then aware that smoking severely limits my matches. All of the ‘perfect woman’ listed something in their smoking section other then no or never. Part of what made them ‘perfect’ was in fact that they smoke. Not to say that smoking makes them perfect, but the are going to be way less likely to have a problem with me smoking then someone who doesn’t smoke (even if they say they are okay dating one).
I think there’s more to it then just that or you wouldn’t be fretting over this one. For me the ‘perfect’ woman meet my criteria, but there’s more to it then that. It also means I like what they wrote and moreso HOW they wrote it. My ‘perfect woman’ have a certain feel to their whole profile that makes me really want to go out of my way to meet them. It’s more then just what’s written. And, hell, it means I really like their pictures as well. I always think you can find out a lot about someone based on their pictures. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all about looks. I’ve seen some people that were very good looking, but you can see, if you look closely, that under the nice looking face they’re trash or sluts or drunks or gold diggers. I’ve also seen some people that weren’t exactly a 10, but again, looking closely, they seem like they’d be genuine nice fun girls that I’d like to hang out with or spend my life with. I know, that’s judging, but when you really think about it, everything about online dating is based on judging. You have a handful of pictures and few paragraphs and you have to say yes or no based on not much more then that.