I’ve always had a weakness for a good bad pun. My sister texted that she just joined a FB pun club, and she was happy that her first pun got 300 likes:
A giant bottle of Omega-3 supplements fell off a shelf and hit me on the head. Fortunately, it was just a super fish oil injury.
Here’s a couple off the top of my head:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
Elephino.
A couple Alaskans traveling in a small 2 -person boat got cold, so one built a fire in the center of the boat to get warm. Unfortunately it burned a hole in the boat, and they sank and drowned.
The moral of the story? You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
that reminds me of the guy who went to his therapist and said:
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me-- sometimes I have a dream that I’m a tepee, sometimes I dream that I’m a wigwam”.
Therapist says, “Try to relax-- you’re two tents”.
A friend of mine said he was on a trip and stopped at a restaurant to eat. When he walked in, he saw that all the cuts of beef were tied to strings and hung from the ceiling. Customers were supposed to jump and grab the one they wanted. “I left,” he said. “The steaks were too high.”
My karma ran over your dogma.
A man with money to burn always meets his match.
Confucius say man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
When I was in college a number of guys were talking about a favorite subject of college age males, women and well a certain body part, to be specific, the ass. It went from so-and-so has a great ass, to what makes a great ass, and finally, because these are college students, a side discussion as to the rather unique structure of the human ass as compared to other mammals. At that point I entered the discussion and said that the unique structure of the human ass developed to facilitate upright bi-pedal locomotion. “But this is not an original theory with me.” I said. “Surely you’ve heard it said ‘These butts were made for walking’.”
A man is touring a monastery and as they pass the kitchen, he smells something wonderful. His guide explains that one of the brothers always prepares fish and chips for Friday night dinner.
“I guess you call him the ‘fish friar,’ huh?”
“Nope, we call him the ‘chip monk.’”
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.
What do you all a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
…a goat with no legs in the water? Billy Bob
University officials suspected some bestialism was taking place in the agriculture department. One early morning, they heard grunting in one of the stalls over and rushed to catch the perpetrator but he escaped. They did find a blue nightgown next to a sheep. The offender is still on the lam.
There is a dwarf clairvoyant who ran afoul of the law. Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying purple painted collided in the South Pacific. Both crews were marooned.
We were in the family car on a trip (garrrrrr…) when we passed a sign that said “road plant ahead”*. My brother asked if we could stop and get a cutting …
I heard there were several Great Horned Owls and Barred Owls hanging around the park near where I live; finally on Christmas I had the day off so I went to the park to look for them. But I couldn’t find a single one - turns out it was no-owl.
It was right here on SDMB. I said, “You can use dynamite to kill fish, but it’s a poor way to clean the kitchen floor.” And the response came back almost instantly…
“That’d be linoleum blownapart.”
I’m very, very sorry, I do not remember who said it.