First, let me thank you very much for your words of support and comfort. I know when I read threads of tragedy or sadness on these boards, I feel like anything I can say is just trite, and can’t make much of a difference, but believe me, from my perspective, it does help!
About the above advice, though, I dunno. I really would need to talk to an expert to see what they think. She knows she didn’t do anything wrong, and in fact did everything just right. But no doubt she feels somewhat victimized by what has happened, and I don’t know if she needs the extra burden right now of knowing she was a victim of a sexual assault.
As for explaining to her that what she did is something that married people who love each other do, I’m conflicted about that, too. What if she mistakenly thinks that means that when you’re married, your husband has the right to coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do?
As much as I appreciate the comfort (and advice), stuff like this is going to have to be handled by the pros, I’m afraid.
I noticed we were out of milk. I walked down to the store to get some. When I was coming home, I noticed Ryan and his father out on their front porch, with the detective who is investigating this case. I can only assume it was about this. . .
Now I’m kinda freaking out that we will have to undergo some form of harassment from the punk’s family.
You’d best believe I’ll be keeping a very close eye on mudgirl in days to come.
Keep good thoughts for us, please, and those of you who pray, commence to do so, if you will.
Sounds scary, norinew, but if you hear the first hint of trouble you know exactly who to call. I hope (and expect) this kid and his family aren’t stupid enough to do anything to make their situation worse.
More hugs coming for you, norinew. Whether you’re right about the stupidity of Ryan and his dad, don’t make yourself sick imagining what they might do. You already know what to do to deal with anything they might do, so let go of the worry that’s just serving to make you feel ill.
Not trying to be cryptic, just giving the best info I can safely give. . .I’ve already gotten a call. Next step will be some kind of official mail from the State’s Attorney’s office.
You’d be wise to keep a close eye on things for awhile. But it’s also important for a sense of normalcy and a feeling of safety to return to your household. So try not to overreact if you can.
There is a difference between a violent assault and a coerced one. Had the boys done anything violent or threatening (e.g. “Don’t tell your mom or I’ll hurt you.”) then I’d say get her counseling, get the restraining order, get an alarm system, etc. As it is, what the boys did was decidedly wrong, and they can and will be punished. But demonizing them and freaking out about the situation again and again only makes them more powerful, and you weaker. I’m sure the police have put the fear of God into them and have instructed them not to even look in your direction. So go on the assumption that YOU have the upper hand now.
It seems that this is an erroneous assumption. Just a little while ago, I was out on my porch. One of the little punks involved came over onto the grass strip that runs between our sidewalk and our property. One of his older brothers was with him (they were talking to a woman who had a car parked there). I had a close eye on the punk. After a bit, he stepped onto our sidewalk, and my oldest daughter, who was on the porch with me, went down and said to him, “You know our property line extends to the end of our sidewalk, and you’re not supposed to be on our property”. He put one hand on one hip and said “Well, here I am”. Fortunately for him, his big brother had the good sense to force him over to his side of the road. I was quite ready to call the police.
I’m telling you, this boy has been talked to by so many police, so many times, about so many things, if it ever has scared him, it doesn’t any more.
But no, there was no violence involved, and I’m playing things as normally as possible for the sake of my daughter. She knows from my actions and my demeanor that I’m taking the whole thing quite seriously, but I am not freaking out around her, and she’s not freaking out, either.
I’d like very much to keep it that way. But I wouldn’t assume that the police put any fear at all into this little turd.
I wonder if he would be as brave if you had a video camera with the date imprinting on it. In frame: “Here’s today’s newspaper…and here’s the kid who isn’t supposed to be on our property.”
Are you sure that sidewalks are considered private property? I thought the public had a right to be on them. Even so, I wouldn’t consider him talking to someone in a parked car and simply stepping on the sidewalk in front of my house to be out of line, unless it was apparent he was trying to provoke you and/or intimidate you (e.g. his friends always seem to park right in front of your house when there are other empty spaces just as close.) Absent that, to be quite honest, I actually see your daughter as being more the aggressor in this situation than the punk.
He messed up big time. Please, don’t make a bad situation worse by turning vigilante. Also, I’d strongly advise you to not allow your older daughter to confront anyone about it. Either call the police (if it’s truly warranted) or let the adults handle it.
I would suggest you call the officer handling your case and ask if being on the sidewalk / parkway in front of your house counts as being on your property. If he answers yes then report it.
IANAL but suppose it came to the sentencing phase and the question is, “In order to determine time in juvenile detention, we need to ask how remorseful this person is.” Suppose you had hard evidence that he had said and done this…how would a judge or jury view it?
The general principle, IMO, is that if you videotape or call the police or otherwise note something and later decide that it isn’t worth using, that’s one thing. If you don’t document it, you forfeit the possibility of using it.
If you call the police and they say, “There’s nothing we can do about it,” at least you’ve called them and they can note it. But maybe it will pay off later and it’s possibly worth the trouble. IANAL YMMV.
