The punks who assaulted my daughter (long)

[norinew]

@DianaG

I know that others have mentioned it as well, but one of the hardest things about dealing with sexual assault can be the assumption of those around you that it’s such a huge, tragic, life-changing event that it must have left you somehow psychically damaged.

While obviously some people do experience real and lasting trauma from a sexual assault, not everyone does. Honestly, people treating me like an emotional invalid, whispering their condolences and being careful what they said in my presence made me feel much more frustrated and helpless than the assault had.

IMO, the best thing you can do for mudgirl is to take your cues from her. Give her what she needs, but don’t go overboard.

This is going to be the very tricky part for me.

Keep those punks off my property? No brainer.

Prosecute to the fullest extent of the law? No brainer.

Give my baby whatever support I can? No brainer.

But because of my own background as a woman who was not only sexually abused, repeatedly, as a child, but as a woman whose mother did nothing to protect me, even though she knew what was going on, it’s so difficult to keep perspective, y’know? I’m really starting to think I will need counseling for this before I can decide if she does.

In the meantime, though, I’ve carried on as normal (at least in front of her; my freaking out has all been when she’s not around. Hell, I’ve got tears in my eyes right now). In addition to doing that, I’m giving her whatever “Mommy time” she feels she needs.

We’ve got a fun evening planned, with a picnic at the home of a friend of hers, and tomorrow, it’s back to day camp for her. I may have to pull her out early if the stuff starts to develop, but unless that becomes necessary, I’m going to maintain her schedule as well as I can.

I have praised her to the high heavens for the way she handled the situation. I don’t want her to feel like a victim. I want her to feel like a strong, smart, capable little girl (and she really, really is) who did exactly the right thing at the time.

Thank you all again for your kindness and support. I know I’m getting repetitive here, but I don’t know what else to say. . .

[DianaG]

Norine, it’s perfectly normal and understandable that this is bringing up a lot of stuff for you, and I think you *should * get counseling, if you want it. This is hard. But I also have no doubt that you’re going to continue to be awesome.

[Shayna]

Repeat all you need to. You’re doing great, Norine.

[AHunter3]

I don’t have the fortune of having met you personally, and have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said repeatedly and well, but you rock, Norine. You’re a great parent and you’ve got a great kid.

[Kalhoun]

@DianaG

norinew, I’m so sorry this happened to mudgirl, but I just wanted to say that I can’t imagine any better way of handling it than how you did.

While I sympathize with the “kill” instinct, a girl with as much good sense as mudgirl has (and I can’t even begin to give you the appropriate kudos on that!) is likely to deal with this very well, and *not * be especially traumatized. I know that others have mentioned it as well, but one of the hardest things about dealing with sexual assault can be the assumption of those around you that it’s such a huge, tragic, life-changing event that it must have left you somehow psychically damaged.

**While obviously some people *do ** experience real and lasting trauma from a sexual assault, not everyone * does. Honestly, people treating me like an emotional invalid, whispering their condolences and being careful what they said in my presence made me feel much more frustrated and helpless than the assault had.
IMO, the best thing you can do for mudgirl is to take your cues from her. Give her what she needs, but don’t go overboard.

I wish you and mudgirl and your family peace.

This bears repeating. It isn’t going to be the end of the world for your daughter because she knows who you are and she knows she did the right thing (because of who YOU are). Sometimes life sucks, but with the right support, we move on. She obviously didn’t feel “shamed” into silence (like so many women/girls are). She identified a problem and felt like she could turn to you for help. That’s half the battle. Best of luck to you all.

[Rick]

@norinew

This is going to be the very tricky part for me.

Keep those punks off my property? No brainer.

Prosecute to the fullest extent of the law? No brainer.

Give my baby whatever support I can? No brainer.

But because of my own background as a woman who was not only sexually abused, repeatedly, as a child, but as a woman whose mother did nothing to protect me, even though she knew what was going on, it’s so difficult to keep perspective, y’know? I’m really starting to think I will need counseling for this before I can decide if she does.

In the meantime, though, I’ve carried on as normal (at least in front of her; my freaking out has all been when she’s not around. Hell, I’ve got tears in my eyes right now). In addition to doing that, I’m giving her whatever “Mommy time” she feels she needs.

We’ve got a fun evening planned, with a picnic at the home of a friend of hers, and tomorrow, it’s back to day camp for her. I may have to pull her out early if the stuff starts to develop, but unless that becomes necessary, I’m going to maintain her schedule as well as I can.

I have praised her to the high heavens for the way she handled the situation. I don’t want her to feel like a victim. I want her to feel like a strong, smart, capable little girl (and she really, really is) who did exactly the right thing at the time.

Thank you all again for your kindness and support. I know I’m getting repetitive here, but I don’t know what else to say. . .

It’s been said a bunch of times already, but you are doing a great job. Don’t you stress over the job you are doing none of us could do any better.
Hugs to you and your daughter.

[phil417]

Dear Lord, Noreinew, I didn’t mean to imply that you were in any way responsible for your daughter’s plight. I’m soo… sorry if it came out that way. I know way too well that even at the best of times a situation can change in the blink of an eye.

As mentioned earlier, I’m the mom of two (daughters), grandmom of 3.5. Because of financial responsibilities, I’ve worked from the time my older daughter was diaper-trained. This mentioned, my older daughter recently mentioned on her blog page that one of her earliest memories, at about the age of three, was being forced to felate a babysitter’s son. Where was I? Working, to pay for the babysitter. Oh, Hell.

Guilt – the curse that keeps on paying.

Phil

[fessie]

It totally makes sense that you could use a counselor’s ear right now. Smart choice.

@norinew

I want her to feel like a strong, smart, capable little girl (and she really, really is) who did exactly the right thing at the time.

Absolutely.

I’ve started talking to my kids about accidents and the various rotten things that can happen. Because my temperament is very safety-oriented, I’m always conscious of risks. Probably excessively so, at times.

So I also tell them, bad things just happen.

You do what you can to minimize risks, you pay attention, but still, misfortune falls out of the sky for no good reason. And the best we can do is deal with it.

Which you and your daughter have both done.

[Kolga]

I agree with the need expressed above by other posters that there’s a fine line between making mudgirl feel safe and creating a sense in her that this is a Really Big Deal, that may cause Problems Later In Life.

I remember reading, on this very message board, a post from someone that said “Being molested didn’t break me. What broke me was being told I was broken.” That’s really stuck with me, because it’s such a vivid example of how societal expectations can complicate an already-horrific situation.

Hang in there, both you and the little one, and keep coming back for support when/if needed.

[Moriarty]

Norinew:
I’m late to the thread, and I don’t really have much to offer (not that I don’t have any experience, having been sexually assaulted when I was younger than Mudgirl now is, but because you are doing an amazing job handling this ungodly situation), so I’m just sending some more Doper love your way.

[norinew]

@Phil417

Dear Lord, Noreinew, I didn’t mean to imply that you were in any way responsible for your daughter’s plight. I’m soo… sorry if it came out that way.

Well, thank you for posting this, because on page one, you posted:

(1) Were there any other kids in the yard besides your daughter and these two teen boys? (2) If not, WTF were you thinking? Where was your head that you thought your little girl was ok w/two teenage boys in the area?

Which, yeah, does sound fairly accusatory. I’m glad you came back to clarify.

Everyone here expressing their support and concern totally rock. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

[irishgirl]

Norinew- you seem to be handling what is a f***ed up situation in an admirable way.

Whatever else, your kids know that you love them and are proud of them and that absolutely nothing can or will ever change that. You’re doing a sterling job. Kudos.

[Apocalypso]

Just wanted to give some hugs and support to Norinew and Mudgirl and to say I think you’re a great parent and Mudgirl sounds like a wonderful kid.

[msmith537]

@phil417

I’m know I’m going be unpopular for these questions: (1) Were there any other kids in the yard besides your daughter and these two teen boys? (2) If not, WTF were you thinking? Where was your head that you thought your little girl was ok w/two teenage boys in the area?

I’m the mom of two daughters, & I’d never have considered letting either of them be alone with one, much less two, teenage boys. Teenage boys are testosterone-driven. One teenage boy alone is bad enough, but get two together & they feed off each other.

Easy Mrs. Broflovski. Some teenage boys go their entire lives without becoming pedophiles.
Anyhow, as a full grown ill-tempered man, I would probably want to go along with the “kill” instinct as well, only being tempered by how much I believe I would actually be caught go to jail for it. And it sounds like these two wouldn’t be missed. There are just some people who just fundamentally disgust me.

(I’ll hold off on the hugs. I’m not sure what the “rules” are and I wouldn’t want it to be weird.)

[janis_and_c0]

My very very best to you & yours. Please keep hanging in there…

[norinew]

Because I want to keep details as vague as possible, I’ll just say this, by way of updating:
She’s still handling it very, very well. She’s been a champ through interviews and such. I’m getting more of a grip on myself, too. There have been a couple of rough patches when I thought I might lose it, but I didn’t. I have seen one of the punks on his porch a couple of times, but he hasn’t been on my property or even looked in my general direction. The other punk I haven’t seen at all since Wednesday night.

Again, anyone who is feeling the need for a more filled-out version will have to PM or email me. I don’t really want it here on the MB for all to see.

[Slypork]

norinew I am so sorry. We went through a similar situation with my daughter but it didn’t get to the level that your daughter experienced. She will get through this because of you. She is a brave girl and will be OK.

I understand the desire to attack the boys and hurt them. It took every bit of control I had to not make the little shit disappear. I thought of my family and knew that I had to be there for them and not locked up for murder or even assault. The hatred is still there but I will never let my daughter see it because I don’t ever want her to dwell on what happened. She has mentioned it only a handful of times and then drops the subject and we do not pursue it.

You did the right thing by calling the police. If you hadn’t called them then you could be legally liable for child endangerment. To hell with the kids, you have to look out for your family.

My thoughts, wishes and prayers (if you’ll have them) are with your daughter and your family. Please feel free to PM me.

[fessie]

norinew, I hope you can share the eventual outcome of legal proceedings. I’d sure like to see you have your day in court.

And - thank you for sharing. You’ve set off shock waves in our community here, and it’s a good thing. We all need to discuss these issues. I don’t know that we’ll reach a consensus or anything, but we need to talk.

[norinew]

@Slypork

My thoughts, wishes and prayers (if you’ll have them) are with your daughter and your family.

All the prayers you can muster, please! In our faith, we have a very nice little prayer that begins “O God, refresh and gladden my spirit. . .” For about the past three years, whenever mudgirl has been troubled by something I can’t really fix, I’ll hold her close and help her say that prayer. I myself often use it as kind of a mantra to calm myself down. Obviously, though, it doesn’t matter where your prayers come from, it’s all good.

I read your thread, and probably will be PM’ing you.

@fessie

norinew, I hope you can share the eventual outcome of legal proceedings. I’d sure like to see you have your day in court.

And - thank you for sharing. You’ve set off shock waves in our community here, and it’s a good thing. We all need to discuss these issues. I don’t know that we’ll reach a consensus or anything, but we need to talk.

I will share everything as soon as I can, but right now, I just cannot do it for a number of reasons. I do, however, know for a fact now that while what happened to my baby was very, very bad, those thugs did not touch her in any way, and am grateful for that.

You’re right that these things need to be talked about. If the “we need to talk about this” attitude had been more prevalent back when I was being abused, maybe somebody would have done something about it. Times are changing, and it’s about fuckin’ time, too!

[Acid_Lamp]

Wow. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I missed this thread until now. Hugs!!!

I don’t have much to offer except my support, and you ought to ensure that the book get’s thrown at those little bastards.

That said, IANA- child psychologist, counselor, or even a parent. I am words on the internet and take this advice for what it’s worth.
Mudgirl seems to be handling this pretty well. Remember that she is eight, and will tend to bounce back quick. I don’t know the details of “forced” but it doesn’t sound like she was physically coerced violently.

I would think it’s time to have a frank and honest conversation about sex, and it’s mechanics with her so that she understands what happened. It’s important that she comprehends why what they did was wrong, but not blame herself, nor take on the onus that she was “raped” or a “rape victim”. I think you are doing a fantastic job keeping her on an even keel, and that’s what she needs most at this age. Make sure she knows that what they did was something that grownups do when they are married and love each other, and that was why it was wrong.