I am no longer infected.
She turned me into a newt!
Storytime presenter: Hello children, hello. Here is this morning’s story. Are you ready? Then we’ll begin.
[opens book]
Storytime presenter: One day, **Ricky the Magic Pixie **went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbled down cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her…
[shocked, skips ahead a few pages]
Does she go? I’ll bet she does!
Her name is Incontinentia.
Incontinentia Buttocks.
And now for something completely different…a man with 3 buttocks.
with blood squirting out, psssssssh, in slow motion
It’s just a flesh wound.
garnished with lark’s vomit.
NO 1. - The Larch
Now I’m going to ask you the same question again, and if you say “No”, I’m going to shoot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?
BRIAN: Well, don’t blame me. I didn’t ask to sell this stuff.
REG: All right. Bag of otters’ noses, then.
FRANCIS: Make it two.
REG: Two.
FRANCIS: Thanks, Reg.
They dressed me up like this. And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
My name is spelt Raymond Luxury Yacht, but its pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangrove.
Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world’s leading modern composers, Arthur ‘Two Sheds’ Jackson.
He has a wife, you know?
Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing cough) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.
Hello again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts. And I’ve just been told that he has been told that he has been unofficially described as ‘cold’. Ah, wait a minute. I’ve just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket for Budapest! So he’s definitely getting warmer. So we’ll be back again in just a few years.
Bounder: Anyway, you’re interested in one of our adventure holidays, eh?
Tourist: Yes. I saw your advert in the bolour supplement.
Bounder: The what?
Tourist: The bolour supplement.
Bounder: The colour supplement?
Tourist: Yes. I’m sorry I can’t say the letter ‘B’.
Bounder: C?
Tourist: Yes that’s right. It’s all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder: A cat?
Tourist: No a bat.
Bounder: Can you say the letter ‘K’?
Tourist: Oh yes, Khaki, king, kettle, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford.
Bounder: Why don’t you say the letter ‘K’ instead of the letter ‘C’?
Tourist: What you mean…spell bolour with a K?
Bounder: Yes.
Tourist: Kolour. Oh that’s very good, I never thought of that. Silly bunt…
The BBC would like to apologize for the next announcement.