If you forget to turn your phone off and it rings, DON’T LOOK TO SEE WHO’S CALLING. DON’T ANSWER IT. Don’t say “Hello?”, Don’t say “I’m in the moveis.” Don’t say “[insert movie title].” Don’t say “About an hour.” Don’t say “Ok, bye.” JUST TURN IT OFF.
(at home)
x. When the movie begins, don’t start messing with the equalizer in an attempt to achieve sonic perfection. Listen, the first 5 minutes of the movie won’t give you a setting for the enitre thing anyway. Look, the generic preset is there for a reason. Trust me on this, don’t bother. No, the fader is also fine, leave it alone.
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If you choose to see an ‘art film’, and discover in the middle that you don’t like such films, please either wait quietly or leave. Do not sit with your middle-aged friends loudly criticizing the film; no doubt there is a nice romantic comedy next door that you’d find more comprehensible. Such films, of course, tend to have very short runs with few showings out here in flyover country; even if you may not like Scarlett Johanssen’s facial expressions or Colin Firth’s haircut, others in the theater may be enjoying a rare chance to see the film.
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And when the nice young man a row ahead of you turns back and glares at you, please take this as a signal to stop talking; this is a common gesture in such circumstances.
237: Shut up.
238: Stop yelling at the actors on the screen.
239: Laughter is fine, but not at inopportune moments, such as any time during Schindler’s List.
240: Shut up.
#28 middleaged to old ladies, if you are going to a movie please check the rating system first. If it is rated “R” there is a good chance it will be voilent, have lots of cursing and have sexual content. Do not bitch and moan as you are walking out of the theater that you didn’t approve of all of the sex/violence/language. You should have know ahead of time, and if you don’t approve, don’t go see it.
#28b. Yes, this does apply to my grandmother and great aunt who were convinced by my great aunt’s son to see There’s Something About Mary. He told them it was about THE Mary(they’re Catholic. And were in their late seventies at the time). Grandma, if you’re going to be shocked and appalled, it’s your own darn fault for not checking to see that Joe was pulling your leg. He’s the joker of the family.
If you want to talk continually during a movie, wait for the DVD to come out and watch it at home. Even if there’s only 4 other people in the theater, it’s still damn rude.
#111: Kindly set any cylindrical containers on the floor in an upright position, not perfectly alligned to traverse the entire fall line of the theatre floor.