**Joe_Fool:**The supporters of Lexicon are actively working to silence you. In the meantime, I suggest you learn to speak without nouns.
Evil scientists! You get my drift, eh?
**Lexicon:**It is my honor to serve. Please task me with any additional responsibilities you desire, to include getting chicks drunk for you.
Your Crafty Minion,
Mr. Cynical
[voice like distant thunder]
Salary, cur?
I am beyond your ken!
I am certainly beyond your budget.
My very heart keeps time within my chest to the raw pulse of the universe! I am a primal force of the cosmos! I need no dental plan. I am subject to no 90-day review but my own. I mock your 401(k), for I shall not rest until my hated foe, [TBA], lies broken at my feet!
[/voice like distant thunder]
However, though my might is limitless, my resources are not. Your organization’s worldwide intelligence-gathering network is second to none, and my own network of operatives has been somewhat…difficult to reach since the #@$!ing Iridium went down. And there is the legendary subtlety of your silent assassins, whose efficiency is rivalled only by their pulchritude.
An exchange of services, then. I shall place my awesome power in the employ of your Dastardly Organization, and provide a buffer against that snivelling Boy Scout [TBA], and in return you shall provide me with intelligence, the occasional loan of an Evil Operative for those times when a stiletto (in the hand or on the heel) proves more effective than the My Awesome Fury Unleashed, and perhaps a meal pass at the company mess hall. Consider me your Malevolent Independent Contractor.
Think on my offer. In the meantime, I’m going to go strut manfully by those hotties in R&D.
…lurking more than 500 ft from the garishly ornamented public exit of the LoD…
<sees Lux Fiat walking away from building and begins to follow…>
<thinks to self> What a waste of time. This one’s obviously some clueless flunky… I better go look for someone who just might know what’s going on here…
<returns to dingy coffee shop more than 500 ft from garishly etc…>
…lurking more than 500 ft from the garishly ornamented public exit of the LoD…
<sees Lux Fiat walking away from building and begins to follow…>
<thinks to self> What a waste of time. This one’s obviously some clueless flunky… I better go look for someone who just might know what’s going on here…
<returns to dingy coffee shop more than 500 ft from garishly etc…>
Thus has Sake sealed his fate. Interested parties may submit bids for the spleen and gallbladder of this foul knave at their earliest convenience. He has been tried and found wanting. As his actions have been most vile, kidneys and gullet shall be included at auction, with the remainder of the carcass to be torn into pieces and displayed in the public square, there to be devoured by dogs and rats and vultures and sloths and weasels and lawyers and all other types of vermin.
We shall deal with the minions of our adversary Lexicon in due time.
{Cue ominous theme music}
{Cue lightning, thunder}
{Camera 1 pan up to center on full moon and fade to black}
MEANWHILE, BACK AT LEGION HEADQUARTERS…
walks in, pissed off
Dammit, Mr. C! You blew my cover over at the Legion of Honor! Now HOW am I supposed to help y’all out if you ruin my chances of being a secretary to their secret agent??? glare
SHEESH! Do I have to think of EVERYTHING around here?
[wicked evil]
Falcon: Our sources had already uncovered a vast conspiracy to brainwash you and turn you into a double secret agent. Next time, you’ll hold your tongue better, or I shall allow for it’s removal.[/wicked evil]
Lux Fiat: Do you forget to whom you speak? I am the second of Lexicon, fool! When his hand will not be bothered to strike, I shall smite you down on his behalf. the Legions of Doom shall work together to fight goodness and purity, and usurpers shall be dealt with severely. The key part of that word is SEVER. As in off with your head.
Falcon: Now our fiendinsh plot may begin to steamroll. You must return to the LOH, and explain my insidious attempt to disrupt their harmony. Then, and only then, will we be able to claim a true stronghold on their throats, BWA AHA HAHAHAHAHAA!
In the names of Lexicon, I serve faithfully.
May I have his spleen please? I was instructed to bring it to Lexicon so he may eat it as an olive.
I humbly bid:
One seldomly used Ithaca Featherlight Shotgun as it is too big for my purse.
One garrote.
One deadly black stilletto (the other is “people’s exhibit B”)
One pair of gently worn black lace panties.
Thank you for your consideration.
Receipts, gotcha. hands over a towering stack of receipts By the way, I ended up having to kill that whiny bald guy, but nobody noticed, so no harm done. The local feline population has set up a spy system for me, in exchange for Pounce treats and a promise to execute ALF at the end of the mission.
Hey, I checked out the Legion of Honor situation and turns out I am the entire Security Department. So, I will be making up security passes for each and every one of you, since there’ll be no other security people to object, so that each of you will have the opportunity to roam the halls of LoH headquarters and peruse the available equipment, files, etc. for whatever your evil little heart desires. The passes will be available shortly; please let me know if anyone needs more than one and/or needs to have an alias on their badge(s).
I vould like to clllllarify that zeee blaaader retrrrractor that meine assistannnnt spoke of was crrrrreated by meine-self.
ASSISTANT!!! VVVVhhy arrre you oooout of zeeee uniform of zeeee Evil Science Department?
Not for a second. One does not get one’s own Remote Mountain Fortress by being dumb.
Usurper? A healthy paranoia is to be cultivated when one is an Agent of Doom, to be sure, but my chief ambition is the utter destruction of my most loathed foe, [TBA]. Since I hear he’s working with the Legion of Honor now (ptui!), I’ve engaged in what they call networking in the Would-Be Super-Tyrant trade journals.
::supressing the brief crackle of lightning from narrowed eyes::
Indeed. Many have tried. And you can rest assured that I never let any of them borrow the keys to the Time Platform after that.
Again: I will cut a swath of destruction through your foes such that they will look to the sky, expecting to see the Horn of Gabriel proclaiming the Apocalypse, and find only me. And their fear will increase.
I will, with great flair and visibility, hold entire cities hostage seemingly on my own, providing maximum deniablility for your organization.
And finally, I will have my revenge on [TBA]!
And I won’t even draw a salary, and will do complimentary consulting work. In return, I ask only for the goodwill of your orgainization in my eternal struggle against the bane of my very existence, [TBA]!
Data: Captain, our sensors indicate two factions striving for supremacy on the planet below. One calls itself “The Legion of Honor”, and the other “The Legion of Doom”. There are two other entities claiming to be supremely evil, and a fifth supernatural being denoted as a Witch.
Picard: I see. And the outcome?
Data: Our sociological computers indicate that the Legion of Doom will be triumphant because E-vile is cool and Good is dumb.
Picard: How badly will they be defeated?
Data: E-vile will kick their butts, Sir.
Picard: To what end?
Data: After their victory, the Legion of Doom will fall into bickering with themselves and the other E-vile entities. The effect of the Witch is unknown at this time.
Picard: Well, the Prime Directive prevents us from doing anything except to observe, scratch ourselves and drink tea. Put something on the main viewer. Anything. 1,024 channels and there is nothing on.
Damn!
Riker: They could at least say “Unbeknownst to Talkingsquirrel, but beknownst to us…”
Picard: You hijaked my thread!
Riker: Captain, I never…
Picard: You did! Our Creator, who can be just as E-Vile as these…people, denied acceptance to their thread, makes a BRIEF and humerous satire of the situation, and you draw it
out far too long!
Data: Captain, a Moderator is approaching from astern at warp nine. Our shields and weapons will be useless.
Picard: You see? Do you see what you have done? The Moderator will cut me off in mid sen
Gather round everyone. It is time to take stock of things…
At present, due to my nefarious dealings in arcane magiks and various things macabre, I am pleased to announce that our-what am I thinking?!-my organization is now the proud owner of a few little known European countries.
They are:
Czechoslovakia
Herzogovina (they threw it in to get me to buy…)
Estonia
Switzerland (it took some haggling, but at least I didn’t get stuck with Holland…)
Armenia
Austria
And a few German cities, they wouldn’t sell me the whole country, the shrewd bastards! I was only able to acquire Bonn, Berlin, Hamburg, and Bremen. Luckily, Bremen is the location of St. Pauli Girl Brewery, so I should have the whole country soon.
I was also able to get a few other small countries who are having a hard time right now, namely
Lebanon
Sri Lanka
Chechniya and
Latvia
The Chechian government has assured me that I can have all their Russian nukes.
Also!
Thanks to our own lovely and very talented Scarlet Pimpernel, we now are in control of AOL. An infusion of startup capital is going to allow us to increase connection speeds, lower access fees, sign up an additional 500 million users worldwide and dominate the market. HOWEVER, we will do these things in a very evil manner. We will:
-upgrade all servers, then double the amount of servers we have online.
-increase access fees by 6% due to this.
-increase membership by 500 million users worldwide by promising megabit connections to all our users due to our new “technology”.
-Dominate the market and use all the money to launch comm satelites into orbit.
Thank, you I know, I am eee-vell.
I know, I seem to have gathered a couple of groupies and posers, but I must say that if I exude a panache of Halloween all the time, will not the fiends imitate me year round? Ah well, such is the price of being the ultimate evil entity in the known universe.
I believe that we have some business to attend to…
I am to warp through an interdimensional time-space continuum lapse which is being held open by a brace made entirely of powdered wasps wings, the clippings from Tom Green’s goatee, and Bean-o that I may consort with an alien race of utmost intelligence who wish to ally themselves with us.
…Further bulletins as events warrant…
[German Accent] Herr Evil Overlord! I have developed a plan to vanquish our enemies! It involves getting enough people to rub their shoes on cheap carpeting in order to produce enough static electricity to create a giant bolt of lightning, which we then send showering upon our enemies. At first, it was a plan to produce enough energy to send someone into the fourth demension, wherein they could alter time to our favor, but then I thought “Eh…a big lightning bolt is much flashier.”[/German Accent]
Herr Frau Scientist…
(whispering behind her hand) Perhaps we could entice our enemies to some posed function–a party?–and let them wear the shoes and kill each other? It would certainly be sneaky–which is always nice–and it would give us the option of either claiming or not claiming responsibility for the incident as it suits our evil agenda. I mean…your evil agenda.
I have heard that the LOH are a mess of awful dancers as well–so it might prove very entertaining.
I apologize for being out of uniform. I felt that this particular outfit might make you look better…Sir. [/German accent]
struuter
Evil One, the conquests are impressive and victorious, especially the St. Pauly Girls!! I love those fluffy skirts…
May I make a small request, having served faithfully? Can you consider parts of Arkansas for your next bit of conquering? We would truly benefit from the roots of evil they have there, the home of Billy-Boy Clinton! Please let me know your decision Evil One.
(Struuter, great idea about the party, wear your catsuit!)
Joe, you need to show some respect, boy!
Remember, I am a disciple: One of the chosen. I was welcomed by CECIL, Himself, whose Grisly Countenance and Gold Crowns were revealed to me as a lay in a hashish fever dreaming of the terrors which are the posters lurking just behind the words on this board. Even now, I feel you staring at my words. . .like that. . .stop it already!
I was drifting off towards Nightmare Castle on my dark 5.0 ragtop nimbus stormcloud, ready to do something REALLY evil, like start a boy-band or join AOL, when His Booming voice welcomed me to Fight Ignorance by His Side. I’m pretty sure you are exactly the kind of Ignorance I’m supposed to crush.
So you can just take that. There.
Tradesilicon, I am surprised to see you still standing after the last thrashing I gave you about your head and shoulders. You are as resilient as that mummified human body that one puts in the bed next to one’s self at night and cuddles close so the dark isn’t so dark and the cold isn’t quite so cold.
Mist swirls over the burned ground
where once the Legion pierced the sky
so grim
and by the wrath of Sake Samurai
was burned right down.
Brown stains do their smelly dance
where once tradesilicon and I
did fight
and by the taunts of Sake Samurai
trade soiled his misbegotten pants.
His blade was poetry: his life was cursed
Done in with his own weapon: piss-poor verse!
Lex, you need new advisors. Misinformation is being fed to you - e.g., “Czechoslovakia” no longer exists as a country - it is two sovereign nations, fool. Your ignorance is paramount. I giggle at you and the “Legion of Dumb”! Tee-Hee!
Sue, if you’d like to get your hands on my organs, all you have to do is ask nicely! Sure I’m 100% Evil, but I’m also 100% male.
Uh…just curious, O Evil Comrades, but can someone clear something up? I’ve checked the manual twice and find no instruction on the dealings with pseudo-evil wannabes. Ignore them? Belittle them? How do I get clearance to use them for test subjects on some of the newer and more delicate projects?
The bulletin board is getting cluttered with their announcements of supreme power. Somebody was trying to sell a bike and their notice is totally covered now.
struuter
Struuter, your question pertains to the piss ant Sake perhaps? Here is your answer, and his.
Sake-san, your destruction is here, I call it Sake 4 2
Sake 4 2
'Tis folly of worst degree
For such piss ant to challenge me.
He keeps the company of fools,
and thinks the lady for him drools!
Your organs will be served to her,
and I will listen to her purr
As she devours your worhtless guts,
you poor miguided Sake Puts!
My garmetns soiled? 'tis true I warn!
Because I saw your wretched form!
No manner of a man or beast
could ever scare me in the least
But pure disgust I do now feel,
To see your form in daylight real.
Thou thinks my verse is somewhat lame?
It’s simply saved for bigger game!
I cannot waste a precious word
On such a poor and loathsome turd!
Take this with you to final grave
You most unworty scurvy nave
I use your organs for display
Of victory I won in may!
struuter, if I may be so bold, take this pile rat piss and experiment away!
(Walks away eating flamethower as show of stregth)