Flame thrower? Puh-lease - that’s so passé. And too easy of an out for the likes of this vermin anyway. Besides, I just had this basement refurbished - have you any idea how expensive decent leather wallpaper is? And it isnt even scotch-guarded yet.
I was thinking something more along the lines of twitching and writhing, maybe some belly-clutching and frothing at the mouth - or else a brain implant. Yeah, that’s good - something that’ll continue the nightmares til he expires in belly-clutching, frothing, writhing insanity. I’ll even lug him to the lab so you can have the fun of implanting it yourself.
Im putting in a request for a personal janitorial-type lackey - Im a busy woman, and can’t wait on the housecleaning service. Male or female, doesnt matter zzzzzip <Scarlet reveals a cleavage from which, if you threw a pebble in it, you’d never find it again> - I’ll pay generously out of my own pocket.
Struuter…strutter, whatever, get you skrawny ass outside, and put on a bright red sweater (easier to spot). And don’t try sneaking any little devices in your pockets, I’m watching you.
Sake - I challenge you to a dual. You’ll lose.
Try your best, you’ll still fail the test!
Do your worst, your head will still burst!
Try to run, I’ll use my gun!
C’mon you little wus, let’s see whatchagot! Hah, You heard the Evil one, I’ll take you with one (typing) hand behind my back!
Allright, anyone else got anything to say to the Evil one?
(Walks off eating the last James Brown record as show of toughness).
So whadyasay, Swimming? You, me, that wretched little lab assistant struuter - we could rock this place. One of us can stay in and keep the lab running while the other one is out infiltrating the enemy’s secrets, eh? And whenever Lex comes down to check out our latest experiment I can make him feel vaugely uncomfortable by leering at him so he doesn’t stay too long and bother us.
(Unbuttons lab coat to reveal tight red leather catsuit, pulls pencil from hair and shakes head as she takes glasses off)
trade–will this work? It’s too warm for my red sweater. And if you think I’ve got any devices on me, you can frisk me.
Boss–Zzzzeee eennstroomentz ahv toorchoor ahrr rrheady, Mein Frau…Bozz. Heeeerrr iss ze bladder reducer/contracter. Eeet iss ssshhooorr to ddrrife zem mad. Unt also ze toorchoor rroomz vith ze phonez ahrr rrheady. I haf dirrected zee evil telemarrrketoohrs to call ef’ry zreee minoootes. (snaps heels, salutes) zztruuter
(Puts glasses back on and sighs) The catsuit is too much, isn’t it? I’m trying to shed my ‘wretched lab assistant’ rep.
Nothing seems to help.
Oh, I installed a tazer into your night stick. I thought maybe it might come in handy. Oh, and let me know if you’d be interested in the cloak of invisibility I’m working on for the assassins. I’ve got a nice one in a midnight blue that would really bring out your eyes…oops. Sorry. I’m not being evil enough. I’ll work on that.
Reprinted from the Gothametropolis Daily OpEd pages "Letters to the Editor"
Dear Sirs,
I know how this paper’s editorial staff seems to feel about the hardworking city employees. However, you should know that we are longsuffering servants of this city, and that their [sic] are bigger problems than your paper is willing to acknowledge. I recently found not just ONE but TWO so-called “corporate identities” operating within this fine city that appear to have not only unregistered foreign workers but are abusing the cities [sic] resources without any accounting!
When I reported to elected city officials that these “companies” (which I think must be fronts for Dangerous Foreign Elements!) had large unexplained shipments of probably dangerous material going in and out under secrecy of night, and that I also had proof that employees at one of these “businesses offices” was actually seen testing some sort of ODOR BOMB, do you think any of our Elected Bosses paid attention to me?? No, sirs, they did not.
In fact, I was slapped with an injuction to stay 500 feet away from their places of business by some slippery Lawyer type from one of the “organizations” and I was actually Bribed with Employment by the other! And I swear there are people following me and watching me! I can’t prove it yet, but I see the shadows…
Mark my words, there’s some kind of dirty work involved here!
signed Disgruntled City Employee
[Ed. note: Guys like this are the reason we investigated city hiring practices last year.]
Reprinted from the Gothametropolis Daily OpEd pages "Letters to the Editor"
Dear Sirs,
I know how this paper’s editorial staff seems to feel about the hardworking city employees. However, you should know that we are longsuffering servants of this city, and that their [sic] are bigger problems than your paper is willing to acknowledge. I recently found not just ONE but TWO so-called “corporate identities” operating within this fine city that appear to have not only unregistered foreign workers but are abusing the cities [sic] resources without any accounting!
When I reported to elected city officials that these “companies” (which I think must be fronts for Dangerous Foreign Elements!) had large unexplained shipments of probably dangerous material going in and out under secrecy of night, and that I also had proof that employees at one of these “businesses offices” was actually seen testing some sort of ODOR BOMB, do you think any of our Elected Bosses paid attention to me?? No, sirs, they did not.
In fact, I was slapped with an injuction to stay 500 feet away from their places of business by some slippery Lawyer type from one of the “organizations” and I was actually Bribed with Employment by the other! And I swear there are people following me and watching me! I can’t prove it yet, but I see the shadows…
Mark my words, there’s some kind of dirty work involved here!
signed Disgruntled City Employee
[Ed. note: Guys like this are the reason we investigated city hiring practices last year.] Partial copy of letter acknowledging receipt of restraining order:
“…you can sic your sneaky lawyers on me all you want, I still know you’re up to no good! I’m writing a letter to the paper! That’ll show you people, whatever country you’re from.”
Dogonnit!
<steps out of character> Sorry about the double post; tried to delete the first one, but I don’t have access to do that. Double drat! <steps back into character>
I questioned the new recruits, SIR. and they seem to be a bunch of devious double dealing scumbags. They should fit right in. On a more distressing note when I asked them to salute they did , but only one finger was raised. I asked them what it meant and they smirked and stuffed me in a trash can. It was hard getting out and I had …stuff on my uniform. I respectfully report myself for being out of uniform, SIR. I will accept whatever punishment you feel is appropriate SIR. salutes and bows and scrapes his way out of the room
As I am far too evil to associate myself with the likes of you or your weak organisation (note the evil vocabulary, as well as the european spelling of “organisation”), I will not stoop to join your legion. I will instead wait patiently, observing your pathetic attempts at “evil”, laughing contemptuously as your efforts are foiled, time and again, by the so-called “legion of honor” and its feeble-minded associates, until the time of my unveiling is upon us, and I may unleash my will upon an unsuspecting world.
I hereby claim for myself the title of Emperor, and will tolerate your evil only as long as it suits the purposes of my own, more sinister, scheme.
struuter, that modified night stick is going to come in handy. (BTW, I’m penciling you in for that strip search - I still don’t know for sure what’s in that tight leather catsuit!!)
Evil One, I know you said “no soul”, but I hope you will not insist on “no lust”!!! After all, lust and evil go hand in hand!
Joe Cool - you can take a long walk off a short cliff right now - Anyone coming in here talkin’ trash will be dealt with swiftly and severely. I don’t care if you claim the title of Emperor or burger flipper, get your flippin’ ass outahere. Want a few volts? OK… (deals out healthy dose of AC to all in surrounding area, including by-standers).
BTW, anyone seen that whimp Sake? Good, if he shows up again I’ll have to get mean.
Your Supreme Vileness,
It would seem that you…er, your minions have failed to provide you with a Diplomatic Dorps. I know, I know, “The best diplomat is tactical nuclear device”, but you will need someone to View With Alarm, Assure Your Fellow Countries, Make Your Protests Known, etc., while you prepare the posion gas.
You seem to have a few other factions wishing to be Evil, too. (Good name foe a web site, “eviltwo.com”, but I digress.) You will find these fellows a bit more troublesome when you need oil reserves and have to start an Eastern Offensive or the like.
Of course, the limo driver at your LOH embassy will be one of your secret agents, as will the butler, the maids, the telephone repairman, the plumber and the cable guy.
Having been snubbed by the guano grub eatting cretins of the other side, I hereby submit my application for Ambassador. When do I get my wad of cash?
(clears throat nervously) Well…you are the one with the night stick…er…did I say that? I mean…nevermind. I will only say that whatever you may find is REAL.
plants–assuming you’re accepted into the Evil Legion, let me know about installing hidden video cameras and the like…
you’d be amazed at what we can come up with.
My first act as self-proclaimed Emperor shall be to enter into an unholy alliance with Sake Samurai, as he has shown himself to be sufficiently evil to enter into my presence, and nearly as Evil as I. I hereby offer Sake my assistance and protection against the forces of the not-quite-so-evil-as-we.
Should he be foolish enough to decline my generous offer, he will be dispatched immediately in a particularly nasty way, known only to me, and I shall offer his spleen in a martini glass to the highest bidder. And if the bid be satisfactorily high, and presented with the proper amount of humility and deference, I shall include his gallbladder at no additional charge.
My next act shall be to accept the title “Joseph, the XVIIth Earl of Cool”.
Further, Joseph, the XVIIth Earl of Cool shall begin referring to himself in the third person.
The Emperor is pleased with these edicts.
Carry on.
Mr. Cynical, HOW DARE YOU fetch your dog, tradesilicon, upon me! What insolence and presumption! The mangy cur attempted to use soul music on me! BWAHHAHAHAHAHrumphHAHAHAHAHickCoughcough…ackk :clears throat: pardon…HA! Like 1000 white folk dancing at a wedding, I have no soul, you fool! Tuck your gold chains, sweat-stained sparkle-cape and funky boots between your legs, tradesilicon, and scurry back to your master, who will beat you for failing him and then scratch you behind the ears because he is weak and has a soft spot for poor, helpless animals like you.
Joe Cool, thou shalt not try to muscle in on my claim. I have staked it and it is mine. I am the One and the True Evil CyberGod and Fey Provider of Web-based Malevolence. You cannot help but be swayed by my Forked Tongue of Evil and my Large Spoon of Indignation. You will return the way thouest came, propelled by the swift winds of my Subtle Flatulence. Thou shalt begone from this Legion ere the fortnight is upon us or thou shalt reel from the brunt of great mounds of bad olde englishe grammar!
To deal with these moro…gentlemen in your service. To be
insulted instead of Your August Self. To give certain parties and social functions. To understand one another. To make them easy targets. To require an escape helicopter at Your Unutterable Vileness Embassies. To humbly mention the great wad of cash.
-CP, Proposed Ambassador of His Unutterable Vileness, Overlord of Doom, to the Outer Marches, Inner Cities, and Such Other Lands as His Vileness wishes to conqu…communicate with.
You are both seriously taking away from my free time! I think you have missed the point - the Evil One cannot waste his time on riff-raff, and all hot air that floats in with it. You are both assuming I am some lackey (no offence, Lackey). I think you need some mannas!
Poor Joe Fool, thinking he was so cool,
Attempted a takeover move.
His Samurai pal, also claiming he’s Mal,
Came along and got me in a groove.
When you stepped in this den,
My surveylence began, and I watched as you both tried to say
That your meager attemps
at true evil made sence
But I’m here to make you go away!
Take your message of doom, and go back to your room!
We’ve forgotten what you’ve yet to learn.
For the Evil One rules!! and you two utter fools
In his Wrath and my Fire soon shall burn!!!
(Taking out the flamethrower left out by Falcon, setting on “crunchy”)
