Through no fault of your own, one day an e-mail arrives and you find yourself ‘promoted’ to the status of a Straightdope moderator. You accept this responsibility in the same way as you do other coming-of-age experiences; something that life asks you to deal with, and to do so as best you can. You have a restless night to prepare yourself.
At 8.00am the following morning the door bell rings and two men in white overalls introduce themselves as the ‘Installation team’. They show you the ID the e-mail mentioned they’d carry and ask you to leave the house until 12.00 Noon. On leaving, you notice the white van in your drive with the word ‘Cecil’s’ writ large along the side. You walk the streets, through the park, get a coffee and ponder what it is the team are doing with your computer. At 12.00 you return. The ‘Installation team’ has left but you find a white, sealed manila envelope sitting atop your keyboard.
*“Dear New Moderator,
If you sit at your computer and look to the left, you will see the wall now contains the outline of a door frame – you may tell visitors that this was once an entrance to this room but it as long since been bricked up. It is, in fact, your non-linear gateway to the Straightdope Moderator office.
Instructions for accessing the Straighdope office
Start your computer, click the ‘Start’ button in the bottom left hand corner of the screen and click the SDMB icon now sitting in that menu. Insert the password contained in yesterday’s e-mail and close down your computer. The door to the Straightdope office will open in 10 seconds and remain open for 10 seconds.
We look forward to meeting you in person.
Welcome aboard, Cecil and the team.“*
You follow the instructions, the door slides open …and you see … what ?
A large, Star Trek Bridge-style open office space ? Coldfire gazing longingly at a framed photograph of his bird while firming clasping in his hand … a tin of lager ? Lynn Bodoni and La Beer exchanging views on semi automatic weaponry and cousin Vinny’s likely release date ? ** Ukulele Ike ** sitting in the far corner wearing a goofy hat and making noises ? TVeblen and ** Gaudere, ** in above-the-knee skirts and having a girlie moment over to the side ? Manhattan crushing one of those stress balls with a giant hammer ? … what ya see in there and is there going to be a welcome party ?
jdavis, eyes bugging out and sweat pouring down his brow, desperately shakes a cage full of hamsters, and shouts in a thick Scottish accent, “I dinna think they can take any more, Master!”
In the background, Dex, wearing a silk smoking jacket, imperturbably quizzically cocks one slanting eyebrow.
Off to the left, Arnold, oblivious to anything else, vigorously polishes his Alphorn.
I’d expect to see a long dark stairway going down to dark depths… Moldy smells… Dripping pipes and rats.
At the very bottom… through the labyrinth and past the minotaur is a small poorly lit room. In it our hard working mods are chained to the walls, tinkering with hamster cages and with not so new PCs (they gave them a budget to get rid of the Macs after they realized they weren’t compatable with the personalities of most of the hamsters).
