The Squirrel Haiku Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I hate squirrels. Everything about 'em. Really. Everthing about them.

They’re the loudest thing in the forest (unless, as i’ve had it pointed out to me, one was to put an elephant into a forest and chased him around). They leave those little piles of what ever that stuff is everywhere and they laugh and laugh and laugh at everything you try to do. Rotten fuckers. Like they could do it any better.

They’re basically pigeons with and a big fluffy tail and no wings. I curse that tail, for it is that tail which makes others (softer, blinder folks then my self) think they are not Pure Evil -which they are. As far as i see it, they are biding their time, waiting for our society to crumble. that’s why they stay in the cities unlike most of the other animals. They’re gonna take over when were gone and laugh at us while they wate.

Thus, i am beginning a collection of haikus dedicated to my deep loathing for these “cute”, furry bastards.
#1
Shut up forest jerk
Your food stores impress me not
I really hate squirrels

#2
Fry in hell filth ball
Stop chewing on my windows
Before I stomp you

#3
The sun rises late
You ate my weather-stripping
I know where you live

#4
Majestic rodent?
Pestilent plague carrier.
Man I hate squirrels

#5
Eat my nuts will you?
Know this well, dirty fleabag
I’m a damn good shot

#6
Laugh, saucy bastard
Soon, soon my cat will eat you
Then we’ll see who laughs

(Sonnets will be accepted too)

2

This isn’t a haiku, but when I was doing archaeology, I found a squirrel penis bone. Really.

3

Squirrel penises are made of bone?

4

Squirrel penis bone
found by archaeologist
she has a cute butt

5

Horrible Squirrel
Your Chattering drives me nuts
Shoot .22 at you

Squirrels suck huge Dick
You are the evil creatures
I Will Kill You All

.22 blast to head
Brains go flying everywhere
I relax in chair

Cows go moo and eat
They plot all human demise
with grins on their face.

Rat Poisons don’t work
Squirrels too smart for that shit
they sniff their food first

6

My dear sweet gramma,
our Little Annie Oakley,
shoots those damned squirrels dead.

No, really, I mean it - she lost count at 25 one winter.

7

Dirty Rat Bastard
Fuck you and your penis bone
Die die die die die

8

Walk along power
lines, I stand below, catch your
bladder in my palm

9

A laughing squirrel
A shot rings out in the dusk
A quiet forest

10

Yee-haw…gonna try my hand.

Tall, majestic oak
Electrify this old tree
Fried squirrel anus

I have greased the pole
stay out of my birdfeeder,
bushy-tailed hoodlum

what do squirrels do?
do they have any purpose?
no one will miss them

giant robot claw
sqirrel blood on cold metal
clean-up is a cinch

11

do not need rifle
bow and arrow will suffice
cut them right in half

can’t see them happy
shoot a big squirrel daily
it’s a lot of fun

always laugh at me
big huge giant squirrels do
'till .22 hits them

gives upham high 5
for hating squirrels also
team up and shoot them

12

Infest our parklands
Nibble and chew your garbage
Tonight your tree burns

I am not violent
I do not torture my pets
I just fuckin’ hate squirrels

Dumb urban vulture
Feast on all that remains good
Soon the bombs will drop

13

I just thought I’d say that my school of higher learning has an albino squirrel that roams the campus. If you think regular squirrels are bad, just imagine a pure white one with red, beady eyes staring straight into your soul.

14

This thread shall not die
For such is my hate of squirrels
That i will bump it

15

Cute fluffy creature
Spreading love all around
As well as Hanta

A bushy tail
Dangles in the morning air,
From my antenna.

Sound of feet
landing on my new porch,
The head follows.

Sound greets me
Sound of teeth breaking
Heh. Iron nuts.

For bouv

White squirrel, red eyes
stare deep into my soul.
Please god, make it stop.

16

I meant to change this. It reads better as:

Sound of feet
hitting my front step.
The head follows.

17

The bump appeared to
Be unnecessary I
Guess I’ll go to bed
I still really hate squirrels though

18

Squirrels are so cool.
They can eat my meaty nuts
and not choke on hair.

I have pet squirrels.
One of them is named Upham.
Man, how weird is THAT?

Squirrels got more tail
Than I was able to get
In ALL 99.

The squirrel has bone.
Well, guess what, little lady:
So does yours truly.

19

Small paws, teeth chewing
Covered wires high overhead
Bzzt! The leaves fall also

Flea ridden horseman comes
Nuts and berries, scattered, lost
Pestilence moves on

20

squirrels not evil?
that’s what they want you to think
just click on this link

cute little rodent
harmless happy fuzzy thing?
listen to him sing