My husband is only 58, but he’s had 5 spinal surgeries in the last 10 years, and just this week, he had knee surgery. NOT the sort of person who should be up 2 stories scooping leaves from gutters. And I don’t do ladders. Nope. a 3-step stool is my limit. So once the trees finish dropping their reproductive crap for the season, I’ll call the gutter guys.
My dad broke an ankle a couple of years ago clearing trees out of his uncle’s yard. My dad is 76. He had had knee surgery before this happened. Yeah, it’s going to be a fight getting him to concede that he can’t or shouldn’t do some things himself any more. If I can outsource a job like clearing trees or cleaning gutters, I’m generally happy to do it. He’s got a different attitude, one that I can’t really claim to understand.
Houses do that, at least for some people they do. When my parents move out of their house into a smaller place, I or my sister will probably be looking for something to do with several sets of 1970’s vintage encyclopedias, and some old computers from the 90’s.
My parents’ problem will be that they have two kids, neither of whom live in the kind of small town or rural environment that my parents would like to live in. The jobs situation is such that moving to such a place isn’t really an option for us. I hate living in car-dependent suburbs, small towns, or rural areas, so I wouldn’t want to do it even if Mr. Neville and I could get jobs there. I’ve seen no indications that my sister likes living in those kind of places any better than I do.
This describes a good portion of the email I sent my folks recently. For home repair/improvement that involve a ladder, there aren’t many workarounds other than hiring a handyman or calling in a favor from my sister and her husband (they live just a few miles away). But I didn’t suggest he lay off home improvement altogether.
I’m at least as concerned about my mom’s continued use of a stepstool to reach elevated storage. I suggested relocating things to shelves that can be reached without a stepstool, acknowledging that this might require them to get rid of some of the detritus they have accumulated over the years, or at least have us build some shelves in the basement.
At this point they are tired of hearing my sister nag them. I gave it one last shot with that email, wording it as diplomatically as I could, suggesting changes that minimize loss of independence and agency, and offering all manner of assistance from us kids - but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. In my email I promised I would make just this one overture and then shut up about it, so at this point I’m venting here instead of to them, and just hoping for the best…
I’m fully aware of my limitations at age 68. I’ve given up on climbing anything taller than a six foot stepladder. Roofs, attics and crawl spaces are for professionals, as I did enough of that sort of thing when I was working. When I’m using power tools in my shop, I do a mental walk-through of what I’m about to do, and I quit when I feel myself getting frustrated by an uncooperative chunk of wood. I really don’t want to be one of those old fools who keeps trying to do things he’s no longer capable of doing properly. The only hard part about giving up the car keys eventually is that it will probably be the end of our RV trips; I don’t really care about driving the car, as we only put about 3,000 miles a year on the thing as it is.
I’m sorry, I have elderly parents (well, only 1 now), but I think sending an EMAIL about such a sensitive subject is just completely wrong on so many levels.
The written word is, IMHO, better than the spoken word for this sort of thing:
[ul][li]I can take the time to gather all of the details I want to express. [/li][li]I can massage the wording over and over again until I’m satisfied that I’ve struck the right tone and laid everything out in the best sequence. [/li][li]it prevents the recipient from interrupting me and derailing my train of thought.[/li][*]instead of them hearing the message just once, they can read through it a few times, study it, give it a chance to sink in.[/ul]Were you objecting to written communication in general, or email in particular?
I don’t mean this to be a diversion, but there are gutter cleaning robots, now. You still have to climb a ladder to drop them in and pick them back up, but that’s less of a balancing act than cleaning gutters yourself, I would think.
Would anyone’s parents be willing to dry a gutter robot? The Roomba folks make them.
Why? Is yours wet?
As someone who has an elderly (90 y.o.) mother who still feels like she’s 70, it’s been a struggle. She’s in a wonderful place now. But when the day came to move her, I had to use tough love. (She’s much better now that health aides dispense her meds instead of her taking them-willy nilly)
In the end, guilt helped. I was already through all my leave and in leave without pay status. I told her that if something happened to her I would have to come take care of her and lose my health benefits. The fact that I would be ‘punished’ for her actions got through her confused mental state and she agreed to move.
Not saying it’s been a happy dance since then, the initial months were rough, but aside from residual mental health issues, she’s a different person.
The thing about some of the elderly is they go into denial. And so do their doctors.
I can’t recommend the Area Agency On Aging program in the U.S. too much. It’s a federal program that relies on donations and does wonderful work.
Out of 29 posts, only one saying an elderly oldie fell and broke bones? Are Dopers’ parents generally better at climbing stairs?
Well the thread is already assuming that it’s a risk, so there’s not really a need to detail examples. And it is a risk.
http://www.cdc.gov/HomeandRecreationalSafety/Falls/adultfalls.html
My grandmother fell and broke her hip (no osteoporosis; it wasn’t the “broke a hip and fell” kind of old lady hip break. She slipped on ice and hit her hip on a curb.) And a year later, did the same exact thing to the other hip. She was in her early 70’s, and never regained her mobility, because she refused to do PT. A few years later, she fell and broke her wrist. (By that point, she was ready to die, but determined to do it at home with her dog next to her, so this time she did do PT and did regain transfer and ambulation skills so that they’d let her out of rehab. Went home and died two weeks later, with her dog next to her.)
Early this year my mom slipped on ice and fell and dislocated her elbow. (Apparently, our family line pissed off some Ice Giants at some point.) She’s only 66.
Point is, people fall. Old people don’t recover from falls as well as younger people. This is a serious concern.
It’s probably time to have someone talk to their doctors. It’s perfectly legal for you to talk to them (although due to privacy laws, they may be limited in what they can say to you) and enlist their help in addressing home safety. Sometimes hearing it from a professional in a white coat is much easier than hearing it from the person who you distinctly remember stuffed jelly beans up his own nose when he was 3.
My 90 y.o. mother slipped and fell on the last step of the stairs in the care home. She picked herself up and didn’t tell anyone. By the time they found out the bruises were almost gone.
A broken hip is pretty much a death sentence, But not all falls result in a broken hip.
This. It’s a a worldwide problem, and it’s been studied to death. Google 'elderly falls" or ‘elderly ladder falls’, and you’ll get a bunch of hits, including a lot of publications.
Getting old sucks. My mom confided in me several years ago, “old age ain’t for sissies.” It hurts enough if you’re reluctant to acknowledge your limits and be realistic about risks; it’s downright painful if you’re not.
Funny, guilt (rather than potential guilt) is exacerbating the problem for my parents. In my aforementioned email I told them we would much rather help them find a way to minimize ladder use than help them deal with the aftermath of a fall, but they would rather not overburden us with requests for routine assistance when they can just get up on the damn ladder themselves. :smack:
Perhaps it’s worth a try to track down a fine young man of upstanding character, in their neighbourhood. Put him on a retainer, say $50 a week, (and log all tasks undertaken, no matter how small.) Ask him to stop by every couple of days, ask what he could do, begging them to let him earn the money. Keep pointing out he’s going to get paid whether they use him or not. He could say he’s getting credit at school, raising funds for college, etc, etc. You get the idea. It may take a few weeks, but it could happen that the knowledge you’re paying him anyway, combined with him being right there at the ready, every few days could work in your favour. This way they’d be helping a young man go to college, in a way.
It could make the transition your seeking more organic for them.
My mother was 82 and still driving, got LOST several times (I only found out about it later). We did a lot of dithering about ‘taking away the car keys’. She was living alone and fell down one day in the house. The aide we hired a few hours a day came over to find her on the floor, uninjured, but confused. She called me and in the kefuffle of getting mom up on her feet, changed, and given some lunch, I went around and took every car key I could find. Didn’t say anything, the car keys just went missing. She went downhill pretty quickly after that, into dementia. Should have done it sooner!!! I mean. what could she have done? ALL her friends and relatives were dead or moved away or in nursing homes themselves. No one around except hired help and me. Should have done it sooner!!!
As well said above, it’s almost too common to warrant mentioning. But in case you need an anecdote for realism, here goes …
My 89 yo MIL fell out of her powerchair earlier this month & broke her heel bone & separated her Achilles tendon. Her foot got caught in the machinery as she toppled forward out of the chair. Fortunately her head is harder than the concrete she face-planted onto, so other than a few stitches there her foot is the serious injury.
Up to that moment she could use a walker to cover short distances adequate for day to day needs. But she needed a scooter for any appreciable distance.
Now she can’t put any weight on that leg at all. Zero.
She’s osteoporotic enough they can’t / won’t do surgery to repair the damage. Nor does she see the reward being worth the risk. So right now she’s chair-bound and barely able to transfer from bed to chair to potty on her one remaining foot/leg. Which was originally the weaker & less reliable of the two.
She’s now being fitted for an orthotic boot that may, over a course of a couple of months, get her to being able to hobble a dozen steps with the walker. Which will be a quantum leap in her quality of life and ability to get around her apartment. But is still massively life-limiting on any objective practical scale.
This is the life-changing event for her. Prior to this it was plausible that she could continue living alone in her conventional apartment. After this event (unless a miraculous healing occurs) she’ll need to be in assisted living within 6 months.
The hard part for old folks is understanding that elderly life a bit like a young child just learning to ride a bike: You’re fine until that first wobble. Then there’s no recovery; you’re going to crash, and soon. So the oldsters need to take the extra precautions to avoid situations that might start the wobbling.
Mom always tended to lean well out of her chair to pick things up, rather than repositioning or using a grabber or … I’d told her that was an accident waiting to happen. Turns out I was right. The only question is when, and exactly which, accident they have. Intelligent use of caution and adaptation can delay the inevitable by a decade or more.
Here’s hoping I can remember this when my time comes.
I think it is also important to encourage regular exercise among seniors who can still manage it. There are exercises for almost any physicial limitation. A person with strong flexible muscles will have better balance and be less likely to fall.
It is not inevitable that we become weak and frail as we age. It is possible to maintain or increase muscle mass at any age.
If these elderly folks are all so crappy at living their lives, how have they reached advanced ages and still manage to do these tasks for themselves, risky or not? I’d be trying to learn as much as I could from them before it is too late, not pressuring them to do less for themselves.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
I’ve always had extraordinary balance and coordination throughout my life, and have rarely fallen without catching myself in some fashion. The latest was a couple of years ago on a downhill slope on a gravelly path. Gravel rolled out and I started going down in the direction of a steep slope; I was able to throw myself sideways and roll with the impact. All that aside, one of the first things I did when we bought this house five years ago was to install a grab bar in the shower/tub. I never step in or out of the tub without using that bar to steady myself, and I always keep some minimal contact with a wall surface to insure balance if my eyes are closed; it’s just common sense to take that sort of precaution, especially as you age. I’m not so vain as to think I’m immune from disaster.