While the OP was very successful comedy-wise, it was kind of lacking in the intelligence arena. For example, “I have a butthole, too, but that doesn’t imply I want a running jigsaw inserted into it.” … while this line may make milk spurt out of my nose, it’s basically saying, “phones are to phone calls as buttholes are to jigsaws”, which doesn’t really make too much sense. If this is the best “Pit” thread (it’s the only one i’ve read), then i would hate to see what the others have to say.
Monocracy:
I simply must appropriate that for my signature.
As almost every one else remarked, Cervaise, this was a gem. You must write for a living and if you don’t, you should.
Let me bitch about telemarketers too, just a little. Many of them have been nice and even sounded apologetic to call me and interrupt what I was doing. Some may be college kids earning some money, as noted in prior posts. However, there are some real jerks out there.
Some that call me I know right away that they are telemarketers. Some pronounce my name “bar-bit-urate,” and I have to correct them that it’s pronounced “bar-bitch-you-ate.” (Didn’t know that was my actual name,did you?)
Anyway, let me tell you about a real annoying experience I had with one a while back. I told him I was not interested and hung up. He called right back and starting swearing at me. So I hung up again. He repeated that idiotic behavior. I hung up again and he kept calling me every few minutes for some time afterwards, until I disconnected my phones. At least, I assume it was he as I didn’t answer. It may have been an important call.
Apparently there are no qualifications to becoming a telemarketer. Certainly literacy is not a criterion, as proved by Claudia Vonl. Perhaps a rudimentary knowledge of some basic swear words is needed, tho.
monocracy
no, the analogy is that telemarketing calls are as inappropriate and distasteful as a jigsaw up the ass. obviously an exaggeration to make a point, but cervaise probably correctly surmised that subtlety would be lost on the object of his rant.
That was so lovely! Add me to the list who had passed this thread by out of fatigue over the subject.
Also, the Warriors reference was sweet. It is amazing how few people appreciate the brilliant humor of a drunken lout clinking beer bottles together and shrieking invitiations to come out and play. (Not that I wuld know from personal experience.)
Cervaise, my man. Should you ever stumble thru Chicago, please allow this humble acolyte to buy you a beer or twelve.
Yeah, I admit it.
I wish I wrote this rant.
Damn.
But I was gonna. Honest.
Not this good, though.
Damn.
Bravo and thank you Cervaise, that was the best read I’ve had for a while.
Cervaise versus Claudia, (who in another thread describes snow as “crystalised percipitation”), is a little like swatting a fly with a Buick. I look forward to your next, more difficult challenge.
this was my induction into the BBQ pit, and I nearly got fired for it, getting up from my desk, spewing diet beverage, laughing as I ran from the office to the copy room while everyone said, “WHAT? WHAT?”
I’ve never wanted to be someone’s love toy more than you…today.
Wow, I should visit the Pit more often.
[slight hijack]
Stoidela, you’ve heard of Honest Bob too? I thought I was the only one!
[/slight hijack]
Hmph. I’m the one who printed-out and posted the sign because we were getting door-to-door salesmen every-other day and it was bugging the shit out of us. The fellow who insisted on demonstrating his miracle cleaning product on my husband’s shoes despite both our protests was the final straw. But it has worked. As I said, it has been over 2 1/2 years and we have yet to be bothered again. If only there were a telephonic equivalent.
But when some yutz comes along and attaches marionette strings to the corpse and attempts to convince us it’s something it isn’t, well, it’s only fair that somebody smacks them back down.
Of course not. The leap of illogic is exactly the point. She suggested that because I have a phone, I secretly wish for boiler-room pitches about long-distance service. In my worldview, nothing says “reductio ad absurdum” like a swift leap to the butthole.
Two questions: Would I have to move to Florida? And what kind of product do you have that it would benefit from a closer association with the c-word?
I’m working on it. Oh, my, am I working on it. Want to fly me to Florida?
Still treading water, and doin’ fine. A little taken aback, in fact; I did this strictly for Claudia VonL’s benefit, and thought it would be a fast-disappearing quickie. I’m not displeased, just surprised.
I was an ordained minister a few years back, though I’ve since let it lapse. I still need plenty of Slack, though.
You’re on. My wife’s a Chicago native, so a trip to the Toddlin’ Town is in the to-be-scheduled-soon column.
Dunno. I see four alternatives:[list=1][li]She’s yella,[]She felt intimidated and out of place among the erudition of the SDMB’s population,[]She just earned another “awsome” bonus and is currently livin’ large in a private room at her local Y, or[*]Her attention span is shorter than a prostitute’s petticoat, so she’s already moved on to pollute some other message board, which activity will likewise soon slip through her sieve-like skull.[/list=1]Too bad, because I was looking forward to her response, or at least to her attempt at same. Either someone has to go drag her in here by her virtual hair, or I just have to let disintegrated horses lie. Which brings me to…[/li]
Actually, the image I had in my head was dropping a nuclear bomb on a rabid hamster. And besides, the fly makes such a large, pretty smudge when struck with such force. …Still, you have a point. So would you like to volunteer to be the next one to piss me off? 
I may be mad, but I’m not suicidal. Pissing off Cervaise is the intellectual equivalent of sticking one’s face into a log chipper. I will remain an admiring observer, thank you. In any case, I agree too closely with what I’ve seen of your philosophy to take an opposing stance.
I’ve lurked on these boards for a long time, and I’ve hated telemarketers even longer.
The OP was so amazingly kick ass that I’ve just got to post for my whopping second time.
I don’t know enough adjectives for “brillaint” to describe that rant.
Now that would be a good sig.
Just thought I’d let you know…you should be well on the way to 'Net legendry.
I forwarded the link to my officemate (among others), after he’d nearly choked himself reading over my shoulder. Geek that he is, he promptly sent it to all of his geek friends. There’s at least one other compleat geek that has it, and no doubt will spread the word further.
It should be ubiquitous soon. And I can think of no tirade more deserving.
Geez if I’d had know that putting a post up here would set off a flurry of personal attacks,I’d have kept my mouth
shut.So let me the chance to defend myself and add a bit.
I can appreiate the need to rip someone a new a**Hole but if it is within your personal ethics to call an unknown peson such names i’d not want to be your mother,Because it s obvious you missed a few things she said when she tried to teach you about politeness
Never in all my years has a rebuttal to someone included name calling and other smallness.Usually they are well thought out and articulated without resorting to Junior High behavior with a degreed vocabulary.Somewhere in there you lost your credibility.
I know I asked for this by posting as a TSR.And I propperly accept the bashing as I asked for it but consiter what that message said as opposed to reading what you pleased as to draw your own conclutions, therefor allowing further ranting.It’s as ill as using bible verse out of context.
I happen to consiter myself Intelegent and articulate,I just hapeento have better things to waste my apitudes on than a silly post.
Rip ma as you please…I’ll still Love you and pray for you nonetheless.
Irony in its full majestic glory, eh, Claudia?
I’m wondering what a degreed vocabulary is in that context. Did Claudia mean degraded or a junior high kid with a degree?
Colour me confused
I don’t THINK that anyone has touched on this yet, but have y’all looked at the stuff these TSRs are spewing at us? It’s as if they’ve been PROGRAMMED ( read brain-washed ) by about a week’s worth of basic insensitive training! What’s sad, is that at one time they might have been decent people that we might have been proud to know, don’t ya think?..
Nah. I wouldn’t buy it either.
Q
Claudia, thank you for my new .sig.