Visiting my wife’s aunt for a cup of tea in the far west of Ireland - a woman who doesn’t have much, and lives on welfare - we had already eaten a big lunch. She plied us with cakes, that we nibbled on to be polite, and after an hour or two we made our excuses to leave.
At this point she said, plaintively, “but I bought you a duck”.
Yup, us dropping in for a cup of tea after lunch necessitated the purchase of a duck she could not afford, to cook for us. We felt like total heels for not being able to stick around for the duck (she hadn’t yet cooked it).
I disagree. Being a host, IMHO means that you put the comfort of your guests first. You offer drink. You offer it again. Maybe a third time. After that you stop, as it would be rude to continue to push food and drink on people.
Being so focused on being a good host that you lose track of what your guests really want, is bad manners. As a guest, you should never have to put your host at ease. It should be the other way around.
Seems whenever someone complains about being pushed to accept food, some self-righteous food zealot has to bust out the “but that is there culture!” line. Another one is “starving kids in Africa”, and surely a mention of the holocaust and starvation is in order too. And now we get “In some cultures, food is life.” - :dubious: Not that HSHP is a food zealot, but seriously… begrudingly accepting food is so 1800’s.
Bottom line, I agree with the OP. If you’re already fed, or not hungry at the moment, said food pushers just need accept that they cannot feed the world and move on to the next subject, please.
As this thread shows that is your culture’s perspective. It seems clear that in some cultures it is the guests responsibility to make the host feel like they have done a good job.
Reminds me of a practice among some Bedouins in Israel: it’s considered rude to ask for things, so when a visitor comes in, a gracious host first offers (Turkish) coffee, and if that’s accepted then the visitor needs something to eat; and then the host offers tea, and if that’s accepted then the visitor needs a place to stay for the night. (It could be the other way around.)
Did you see the video? It’s the Father’s house; he’s offended because he’s a priest and he’s been offered cocaine in his own home.
Ms. Doyle: I’m sure our Lord paused for a nice cup of tea before offering himself up to the world.
Father Ted: No he didn’t!
Ms. Doyle: Well, whatever equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or whatever. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
Father Ted: I’m fine for cake, Ms. Doyle.
Ms. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There’s cocaine in it!
Father Ted: There’s what?
Ms. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine, what am I on about? No, I meant, um…what you call them? Raisins!
If someone actually offered you cocaine and you were the type to partake, it would probably be more rude to refuse it–snortery loves company, after all. In a related vein, there are some who would say that marijuana etiquette requires you to pass the pipe to everyone in the circle every time, even if they’ve been passing it on for five turns, and even if you’ve known them for years and never seen them take a hit, the logic being that they might change their mind and it would be rude to deny them the opportunity.
Screw this cultural relativism crap - offering food after it’s been made clear that it’s not wanted is rude. It’s a minor, well-intentioned rudeness in most cases, but it’s still rude and really damned annoying.
My grandmother would do this. It didn’t matter if I’d just taken her shopping and we’d eaten while we were out, she’d offer to cook me something and I’d have to refuse 4 or 5 times. Lots of times, she’d send me home with food if I didn’t eat anything there.
Dad said it was because she had so little when she was growing up that she overcompensated later in life.
Actually, that’s the issue is all etiquette relations. Its the hosts job to make the guests feel comfortable. Its the guests job to make the hosts and the other guests comfortable. Just because the host has a responsibility to make the guest comfortable doesn’t mean the guest gets to kick back, put his shoes on the coffee table and yell, “grab me a beer woman.”
See, as I was reading this thread I thought about offering food to guests. It’s not really something we pushed, nor do I now. My mother grew up the youngest of seven in a family with nothing, sometimes not enough to eat (often, actually) and wearing dresses made from flour and sugar sacks… She now spends and spends and overspends on groceries (it’s just her and Dad now) and is overweight. However, pushing food on someone just was not done.
And, she’s Icelandic, so I don’t know how that works.
No, it’s not rude if you grew up where this is the norm. It can be considered rude if you’re only offered food or drink once if you expect to do the little ritual of refuse, refuse, accept. Sorry, you can “screw” cultural relativism and ignore it all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that the world doesn’t all work to your norms. Besides, I wouldn’t say being offered food and refusing twice as being “clear that it’s not wanted” (which is what the OP is complaining about) because three is the magic number in several societies that do this little social dance.
So, for those who say it isn’t rude, what other things am I allowed to push on people who don’t want it? Alcohol? Religion? Sex? Drugs? Politics? Dancing? Loud music with boom boom speakers? Screaming kids?
Cultural relativism is fine and good, but it’s also a two-way street. If it’s rude for an American to refuse food in Poland, it’s rude for a Pole to shove food in American’s faces in the US.
Are you suggesting some kind of slippery slope? One minute they’re forcing you to eat cake, the next thing you know they’re strapping you down and injecting heroin into your veins!!!
Seriously. I get that it’s annoying and rude, but some people were brought up to believe that guests only say no because they want to be polite, and it’s the duty of the host to make sure they eat something because secretly they DO want to eat something, only they’re too shy to say. (I’m not saying that all guests secretly do want to eat; just that this is probably the thought processes of said hosts.) Equating this with someone forcing alcohol or sex on you seems somewhat of a stretch.
My mother offers us all food every time we sit down on the sofa.
We will all chime in at once, “WE JUST ATE! At the restaurant you turned down food and brought a doggy bag home for pete’s sake!”
Then she will continue like we never said anything “I have chips, or would you prefer fruit and cheese? You kids today are so fussy about what you eat, but it’s a lot more work.”
Then she will get up to fix it as we all chorus “NO. Sit down. Not now. Maybe later.”
But it’s no use. She puts it out on the coffee table.
And then she says “What’s wrong now, is my cheese not fancy enough for you?”
And we say, “No, we’re full, but you go ahead and have some”
And she’ll say “I’m not hungry, we just ate” and start to sulk until we move to the game table for a jigsaw puzzle, then she puts the food away.
I’m suggesting that I don’t accept that food is an exception to the idea that it’s rude to badger, harangue, harass, insist, or generally refuse to accept no as an answer. It’s my body. I get to say no.
Or someone who’s got food issues/an eating disorder. You probably feel a bit like the spotlight’s on you.
I’ve got a pretty healthy attitude towards food (well, I don’t eat unless I’m hungry, once I’m full, I completely stop, I don’t eat to be sociable or please people or because I’m depressed or bored–all things that a nutritionist would love), but I’m sure people who equate food with love would probably think I’m odd or unsociable. (Or that I need to eat because I’m nothing but skin 'n bones.) One time I was eating dinner with a friend and his (Hispanic) friend, who seemed kind of worried about my aversion to the scary quantity of food. But hey, if I can’t, I can’t.
Good call on that “Father Ted” quote. “Sure, didn’t our Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?” “No, he didn’t, Mrs. Doyle!”
EtA: If you are being constantly offered food and you’re on a diet, what should you do, in all seriousness? Just not eat it the food that they’ve plunked down in front of you?