I love that one, but instead of saying it whistles, I say it’s been dipped in concrete…
It all goes to show you can’t hang a man with a wooden leg.
You need rope.
How high up can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without breaking it?
Any distance you want, the floor won’t break.
My dad’s version:
Someone asks my dad, “Did you get a hair cut?”
My dad answers, “No, I got them all cut.”
Are sure you’re not a grandmother? :dubious:
If you ever encounter a kid whose first time saying that already comes in the form “Mr. Dorkness, can I ask you a question? Or rather, can I ask you one or more questions after this one?”, he may be one of my cousins.
It is almost Thanksgiving, when I get to complain about the amount of sauce on the broccoli.
It gets so that you can’t see the florets for the cheese.
Also on that principle: “Which racing driver was three times F1 World Champion?”
Sometimes it helps to stay on their side. Read “Who’s on First” with them, either alone or (better) with them taking Costello’s lines. They’ll love ya for it.
nm
Arise from your grave!
I had a good one the other day…
My wife was brushing her teeth. So, she was standing there at the vanity and I started poking her on the cheek with my nose. After a few she said, “You’re weird.”
I replied, “Nobody nose you like I do.”
She didn’t even laugh! That is Grade A material! My talents are wasted.
That’s masterful.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock!
Uh… who’s there?
Oops, I did it again!
Why do dads sneeze so hard?
Scares away predators. (From my kids, I have no idea why.)
My dad was prone to a variation of the “pull my finger” joke - he’d suddenly look all around him, grab an invisible overhead lever, and pull it… RRRRIIIIIPPPPP.
Which dinosaur can jump higher than a house?
All of them, houses can’t jump.
Now, if my dad told that joke, it would go like this:
“What dinosaur can jump over a house?”
“D’oh!!”
If your kids are texting on their cell phones, you can ask them what BRB means. They’ll say, “Be Right Back.” Then you say, “Ohhh, What does IDK stand for then?” They say, “I don’t know.” You say, “I know! Nobody does!”
I’ve also expanded on the “about 90 minutes” theme by always answering every specific question with a generalized answer. Like, “How old is your daughter?”, I’ll say, “Yeah, she is a particular number of years old.”
Haven’t seen these ones yet…
Q: Why aren’t Koala bears considered true bears?
A: They don’t meet all the Koala-fications.
Debate on if the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple, People Eater only eats purple people that fly with one eye and one horn.
Q: What is big red and eats rocks?
A: A big red rock eater.
Q: Why are pirates pirates?
A: Because they ARRRRRrrr!
[From the Pickles, Elephants and Grapes joke book]
Q: What is yellow and goes click-click, click-click?
A: A ball point banana.
Q: What goes pocketa-pocketa-pocketa
A: An outboard raddish
Q: What goes pocketa-pocketa-BANG-BANG-pocketa-BANG
A: An outboard raddish in need of a tune-up
lastly
Q: What is big, green, and furry and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A: A pool table.
for real lastly
Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue Paint
last one cracks me up still.
Two related jokes, vaguely:
Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A. Rabbit farts.
What computer likes to sing?
A Dell
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon
Why did the cop stink?
Because he was on duty
mmm
What’s gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a Baggie.
Oh, man. I just looked in the dictionary and learned that “aaaarrrgghh!” is not a real word.
I can’t even tell you how angry I am!
At 09:50 I always point out that it’s cowboy time - every single day, it is a great highlight.
I have a colleague who used to say, at almost any time of the year and in that special tone that sounds slightly conspiratorial and generally gets people listening
“I just want to be the first person to say… I wish you a merry Christmas”
It usually takes a while for that to sink in.