Whenever a bug hit the windshield (which was often; we lived in farm country), my dad would declare “I bet he doesn’t have the guts to do THAT again!”.
A lasting legacy.
Reminiscent of the closing section of the classic “schoolkid’s essay about cows”. “The cow has a very good sense of smell. You can smell it from a long way away. That is the reason for the fresh air in the country.”
Ahh, I forgot the joys of being a straight man for your dad.
When I got to “meet the grownups” at their cocktail parties (back in the 50s, so I was… 4?), my dad would inevitably mention to one of them that he used to date a girl from somewhere in Maine. I was trained to loudly ask “Bangor?*” and he would reply “No, we were just good friends.”
(*with our accent it was pronounced “Banger”)
What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s head when it hits your windshield?
Its butt.
My dad jokes often morph into teacher jokes. Like the always-amusing-to-me:
“Mr. Dorkness, can I ask you a question?”
“You just did.” Then I stare at the kid until they figure out their next move.
This morning on the way to school, my daughter complained. “I think there’s something in my shoe!”
“Oh my gosh, you’re right! Your foot!”
“No, dad, something else!”
“Of course there is. Your sock!”
“No, dad!”
“A chicken?”
“NO, DAD!!!”
“Hey, why are you yelling at me?”
My poor kids.
A geeky Dad joke…
My daughter was 9; she had been playing in my D&D campaign for about a year so she knew about the races & classes & the way the world worked & everything. She walked into the computer room to ask me a question for a paper she was working on…
Daughter: Hey, what do they call those people who live in the forest and take care of the trees?
Me: Druids.
Daughter: exasperated sigh :rolleyes: In the real world?
Me: Oh… Rangers.
Daughter: FINE. I’ll go look it up myself. exit stage right
Me: No… really, Park rangers, Forest rangers… never mind.
Ah, yes. Or another such (from sixty-some years ago, involving a word then not politically-incorrect).
Person 1: How Hi is a Chinaman.
Person 2: Oh – about five and a half feet, I suppose.
Person 1: No – How Hi is a Chinaman.
Person 2: Well – maybe five feet, then.
Person 1: No ! That’s got nothing to do with it ! How Hi is a Chinaman !
And on, and on…
What did the Father Buffalo say to his son as he went off to college?
Bison
my wife didn’t appreciate it either!
This is one of my favorites… Heard during an anime convention (and, yes, it was a father telling it to his son):
-What is a tomato wearing a red cape?
-Dunno, what?
-Supertomato! And what is a lemon wearing a red cape?
[spoiler]-Superlemon!
-No! A lemon cosplaying as Supertomato![/spoiler]
Ha! I’ve trained my five-year-old to say the following, when we have certain kinds of guests over:
Me:“…and you know what they say about big feet…”
Lil’ Map: “Big shoes!”
Oh - I remember another of my Dad’s:
He comes in with a serious look - “Did you hear about the girl who backed into the propeller?”
“No - what happened?!”
“Disaster!” (say each syllable slowly)
Cue goofy smile from Dad.
I love that one because I know an Amanda Lynn.
We think her sister should have been Claire Annette.
Have you heard about the teacher who was injured in a car crash while trying to do paperwork while driving?
She was grading on a curve.
mmm
My dad did a lot of spoonerisms, along the lines of the “fart smeller” bit above. But he wasn’t a big one on the same joke over and over. A friends dad though, always trots this one out.
Around the holidays you should always serve eggs benedict on chrome plates. Do you know why?
Why?
“Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.” (sung to the tune of “No Place Like Home for the Holidays”)
I swear he’s told me the same joke every year for over twenty years.
Enjoy,
Steven
Driving in the country, we crested a ridge and stopped at a stop sign. Across the way was a large freshly mowed and baled hayfield. I pointed into the middle distance and said “Heyyy…” It was a good full second before the kids started yelling at me.
I live in a town surrounded by miles and miles of farmland. I am so stealing this at the first opportunity!
I dropped one on my son this weekend. He’s 4. He has a pair of slippers he wears around the house. He was trying to get us to buy him another pair. Naturally, I told him, “No, that would make you way too slippery.”
He didn’t get it. But one day he’ll thank me.
If you know a Dutch-speaker, you can ask them “How do you say horses in Dutch?”. Works about the same.
- A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Ba dum shh.
(Works better out loud.)
- Victim: “I’m going to get my hair cut…”
Dad: “Oh? Which one?”
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
A classics one: Who was big and grey and was the father of Alexander the Great?
Phillip of Mastadon!
I wasn’t a dad when I came up with that joke, but I did use it later on my (bookworm) daughter.
A popular one at my house
“Why does Dad always get to control the TV remote?”
Because I’m the only one who does any damn work around this place! You people would starve without me. You’d have no food and no clean plates to eat it off of. As it is, I do the dishes and nobody can be bothered to even unload the dish washer. No, you just take a glass out and close it back up! Your drawers are all empty because you won’t put your laundry away. Laundry that I spent all Sunday doing. Wash, dry, sort it all out, and you slobs just leave it in a basket or on the couch! I should just stop cooking and cleaning and paying the damn bills and see how you all like it then. That’s why I get to control the goddamn TV! Now, sit the hell down and watch this good PBS show. Maybe you’ll learn something.