When meeting a new friend of any of my kids the conversation would go like this:
Kid: Dad, this is so-and-so, my friend from school
Me: It is, it really is! So-and-so, I have not seen you in FOREVER!
Pause while new kid looks confused
Me: No, really. I have never seen you before in my life.
It’s a wonder my kids even speak to me anymore…
I’m not a dad, but I’m often told I should have been.
Years ago some friends were kicked out of a motel for dropping their empty beer cans off the balcony into the shrubbery.
When I heard about this, I said “You should have told them it was an Anheuser bush.”
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
On father’s day I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
We used to pass through a town called Huntly (Slogan: The Buffalo, NY of Waikato, NZ) which had a huge cemetery. Without fail, Dad would say “… and there’s the dead centre of Huntly” But it wasn’t. It was on the outskirts if anything.
Dad jokes don’t have to make sense. That’s what makes 'em Dad jokes.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Look, here come the elephants over the hill!”
And of course the hilarious sequel:
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill in sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.
One of the classics of the genre:
Why don’t elephants ride bikes?
They don’t have pinkie fingers to ring the bell.
Elephants are funny.
Every time WE passed a cemetery, MY dad would say “Y’know how many people are dead in that graveyard? All of 'em!”
My kids (now 25 and 20) never appreciated that joke. They hated dad jokes in general. Possibly, they just hate me.
Not a joke exactly, but when my father wanted me to get lost he would say, “Run around the corner and see if it’s raining.” When I mentioned this to a friend, he told me that his father would say, “Go tell your mother she wants you.”
Whenever my mom served peas, my dad would have to say “I haven’t had a good pea in years!”
And if I asked him who invented something and he didn’t know, like say Ping Pong, he’d look me straight in the eye and say “Irving Ping Pong.”
This might be an Australian thing but there is an ongoing ‘koala joke’ that sometimes gets going:
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was hit by the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?:
It was tied to the fourth koala.
Why did the tree fall down?
The last koala didn’t let go
How did Billy die?
He was hit by five falling koalas, and a tree.
Why did the possum fall out of the tree ?
He thought he was a koala.
Also:
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
I feel sorry for Coral, having to listen to all of these bad jokes.
Guy walks into a bar and breaks his leg.
Also, regular exchange at Casa de Kobal :
Her : Ow, ow, ow !
Me : What’s going on ?
Her : I stubbed my toe/stepped on LEGOs/burned myself cooking/got a papercut !
Me : Well, that’s dumb. Why’d you do that ?
Never fails to get a warm, loving death-glare 
A routine from my dad –
Person 1: Who invented the first successful steam engine?
Person 2: Watt. [i.e. James Watt, 1736 - 1819]
Person 1: Who invented the first successful steam engine?
Person 2: Watt.
Person 1: WHO INVENTED THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL STEAM ENGINE?
Person 2: Watt !
Person 1: WHO INVENTED THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL STEAM ENGINE? Good grief, are you deaf?
Person 2: WATT !!
And so on ad infinitum.
Elephant jokes are awesome. My favorite:
Q: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin.
And the dad joke to end all dad jokes:
Dad: What’s green, wet, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
Kid: …I give up, what?
Dad: A herring!
Kid: Herrings don’t hang on the wall.
Dad: So hang it there.
Kid: ? A herring isn’t green!
Dad: So paint it.
Kid: But it’s not wet!
Dad: It is if you just painted it.
Kid: But…herrings don’t whistle!
Dad: Ah, I just put that in to make it hard.
I sense an elephant theme:
What time is it when you are being chased by 20 elephants?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Twenty after one!
Also - When passing a grave yard:
Did you know that they don’t let anyone living within 20 miles be buried in this graveyard?
Why?
Because they’re living!!
My 9 year-old son absolutely hates introducing me to his friends since I always take their names and make up fake “friends” of mine that shared the same first name.
“Dad, this is Ty.”
“Nice to meet you. I used to have a couple of friends named Ty. Ty Mashuplis and Ty Abigbo.”
They usually go over the head of the friend but still embarass the hell out of my son.
“This is my friend Matt.”
“Oh, my boss is named Matt. Matt Ahndefleur. Do you know him?”
This one got me.
When I was a small child, we lived in farm country. Whenever we drove past a field that had recently been manured, he would always say, “Ah! Fresh country air!” At that age I didn’t understand irony, or for that matter, even associate his saying that to the odor. I didn’t figure it out until one day, I was driving past a newly manured field and found myself repeating that line.
Two other from my dad:
How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t, you get down off a duck!
What’s the difference between a duck? One foot’s both the same!
What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the grapes over the hill! (She was colorblind.)