The TMI Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I can beat you all.

The first time I beat off was reading a Conan novel. I jerked off while reading the part where he fucked some chick.

I cut my dick one time because I wanted to see if it fit inside a plastic film canister. It didn’t.

One time I put three fingers in my bum to see if they all fit. They did.

I’m not adverse to seeing a girl pee. I wouldn’t want to be peed on, but the act itself is not… unerotic.

I used to shave my pubes because it felt better when I masturbated. I stopped because I was worried if, by chance, I ever got laid, they’d think I was a freak.

My ingrown toenail smells like stinkbait if I don’t wash it regularly.

I usually jerk off to thinking about these two chicks I went to HS to that were good friends. Lesbian fantasies, and all.

I don’t get to beat off near as much as I’d like because of my current living situation. No privacy, y’know. No porn, either.

When I lived at home, after everyone went to bed, I’d download porn, beat off, delete it, then go to bed.

My parents have caught me beating off before. They’ve never said anything.

I left my cum rag under my bed when I moved out. I don’t know who found it, but it was gone when I went back later.

I got an erection from that picture of Britney Spear’s camel toe.

One time I ate one of those multicolored sour sugar tube things that was multicolored. My shit was purple blue green and black camoflauged.

I put a razor handle up my butt once while I masturbated. I didn’t use enough lube and the handle was rubber. It hurt like crazy when I pulled it out.

After Road Trip I wanted to see if a prostate massage actually worked so I tried it. Not too thrilling, but it did in a pinch.

When I was younger I used to wish I could be a girl for a day so I could masturbate all damn day long and just sit around looking at me parts in the mirror and playing with sex toys and what not.

I’ll think of some more later.

–Tim

42

Oh yeah.

I have a leather/pleather/plastic/rubber/latex/spandex kink. Nothing gets me off quicker than a chick in a latex bodysuit, or a spandex leotard, or a leather catsuit, or whatnot.

–Tim

43

I went to my gay bar last sunday.
I saw my first drag show last sunday.

Did I mention that I am NOT gay nor do I dress in drag?

Well, I’m NOT gay and I DON’T dress in drag.

Shit, I’ve said too much…

44

Wow…you like me, you really really like me! The zit would be proud…it’s still there, you know. Not in any recognizable zit form, but you know that little indentation you get after large zit has been popped when your body is trying to figure out what to do with all that displaced skin? That’s where it’s at right now. There might be some puss left. I think it’s too scared to show itself after what I did to its bretheren.

But, lest you think that’s all the TMI stories I have, here’s another one (hey, I wanna win, you know).

OK, so this one is another zit story from about two years ago. I’m getting ready to get in the shower and I notice a lump on my ball sac. Fairly large, on the right hand side. I looked at it and I did a double take. I mean, WTF, I think, you weren’t here yesterday! How do zits grow that fast?

But this thing wasn’t a zit in the normal sense. It was more like an inflated bruise or something. I swear, I thought I had three testicles for a second! So, I squeeze it. Probably not a good thing to be messing around with, but, well, what the hell…

At first, nothing happens. Then, apparently from some hole I didn’t even know was there, blood comes out. This wasn’t a gob of blood like when you get cut, this came streaming out in a thin line very very quickly. It was like my own little super soaker. The blood hit my counter top and the mirror a few feet away which was not fun cleaning up. The stream lasted a few seconds and I just stood there for another minute trying to figure out just what the heck happened.

After that, no more blood. The zit reduced itself in size to a normal zit (as if there are normal zits anyway). For the next few months, though, I couldn’t get it to go away! Every few days it would fill up with enough puss to pop. And this puss would smell. I suppose it being in musk central didn’t help matters, but there had to be a reason why this thing just wouldn’t die.

Eventually, it did. It took a few months, but the god of zits must have gotten bored with it. But to this day, I can still remember that tiny stream of blood shooting out of my crotch and across the room.

Now you all will too. :slight_smile:

45

I thought Homer made a move to close the gap going into the first turn, but starting down the backstretch, Ender definately put the whip to the horses’ ass and moved into a full gallop. It’s going to be interesting to see Homer’s response. Spoof is still running hard, but he’s going to have to counter quickly to keep from falling back as an also ran.
The mind boggles.

46

Congratulations! What are you going to name the baby??

::fleeing::

Is it Iampunha’s??

::running faster::

47

All right, you wanna play hardball, here goes…

It’s not uncommon for me to ingest my own semen. After whacking off, some dribbles down, and rather than get a tissue or something… ::slurp!:: I hear some people complain about the taste, but lemme tell ya… it’s the texture that’s really bad. It coats your mouth like castor oil, and then you have semen on your breath for a while (unless you use mouthwash).

Another thing…

Once, when I was young and the notion of masturbation was new to me, I had a terribly raging hard-on that needed to be serviced. I raced to the bathroom (being the closest easy-to-clean spot at the time) and dropped trou. Well, I go to do the work, and I realize that there’s no hand lotion or anything (I was still in the stage where I needed lube in order for it to work). There wasn’t even any suntan lotion, or even softsoap. I didn’t want to go find some lotion in the kitchen or the other bathroom, as I’d go soft by then. I briefly considered just using water, until my eye landed on something…

Toothpaste.

Yes, toothpaste. In that one split second of desperately looking for a lube before I went soft, I spotted toothpaste. You know what they say about guys… one brain, one penis, not enough blood to work them both at the same time? Well, I thought “Hey, you brush your teeth, and it’s all slippery… go for it!!!”

So I grab the tube and squeeze a nice dallop of ‘paste on lil’ SPOOFE and go to work. It seems to work… for about fifteen seconds. Then it starts to stick. I think, “Don’t worry, almost done…” I keep going. A few seconds later, it starts to hurt, then it fucking STINGS. My eyes jerk open, and I look down…

The skin on my penis, just below the head, had broken open, and blood was leaking out, really quickly, too. So there I am, pants around my ankles, my hand stuck to my bleeding penis because of the toothpaste, blood dripping on the floor… I couldn’t even pull my hand away because the pain was too great.

I just stood there for maybe five minutes, hoping that the pain would subside. It didn’t, so I shuffle over to the sink, turn on the faucet, and begin sprinkling water on my trapped hand. After a little while of this, I manage to slip my hand off.

I spend the next half-hour slowly cleaning the toothpaste off my penis. And for a month or so after that, I wasn’t able to masturbate at all, since it took forever to heal.

The moral of the story is: Don’t trust toothpaste.

48

And here I am thinking, finally someplace where I can tell my infamous catheter story without shame, and yet…I feel so outclassed somehow. Plus, I really, really need to puke right now.

49

TMI??? well, I never thought I’d know this much about any of you. And I’m not sure that I wanted to. But now I know, and knowing is half the battle. :wink:

Ummm. So what can I share?

I sucked my thumb until I was 12(yeah, lame, boring, I know)

I was so embarrassed about telling my mother that I got my period, that I hid it for 3 months. I would change my pad, take it into my room, put it in my trash can there, then take my trash out myself when Auntie Flo left.

When I was 8, I peed in the heating vent in my room. Because dad was in the shower, and I really had to go. The smell moved through the house, and no one could figure out why.

I used to think that if I didn’t wash my hair for a long time, the shampoo would be dirty-like when your hands are really dirty after working on the car, and the soap suds look sort of dirty. I never made it longer than a week without washing. (I was young-6/7/8ish)

Ummm. I know there are more things, but I’m a little embarrassed about sharing them. AND I have to go to work, yeah, that’s it. Work.

50

This is by far, and I mean by FAR, the most disgusting and disturbing thread I ever read on the face of these fine Boards.

I love you guys.

51

If this is what people are posting, what the hell are they holding back???

52

I’ve started growing hair on my shoulders and back. I look like I’m wearing a vest.

I once shaved my nuts. Itched like a bastard for over a week. Never did it again.

One time in college I went to take a shower and stepped right on this huge glob of semen that the last person to use that stall had left there.

I had a nose hair that was almost an inch long.

53

I used to think similarly. Since I had heard that women could keep masturbating after orgasm, and have more orgasms, I wondered why they would even do anything else. I used to imagine that I would sit around in front of a mirror and masturbate constantly. It never occurred to me that women don’t find their own bodies as attractive and exciting as I did.

54

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

I often get something a paper towel tube or something, lie down on my bed, swing my legs over my head, stick the tube in my mouth and the end of my dick in the other end of the tube. Frankly, the orgasms are a bit disappointing because of the contorted body position, but it was the only reliable way I could eat my semen. It’s not that bad if it just plops in and goes down. However, I don’t mouthwash afterwards, because I didn’t think it would be on my breath. Jeez, maybe I’ve been walking around with jizzy breath a lot. That sucks. I really only do this at home though, not here at school. Don’t have enough privacy.

When I masturbate, I usually tell myself I will lick up my semen when I’m done. I rarely do, because once I have an orgasm, I lose that motivation. I’ve only succeeded two or three times. Once I came on a piece of paper, stuck it on the top shelf of my closet, waited until my libido recharged a bit, then took the paper down. It became really watery in the period of about half an hour while it was sitting there, and little droplets ran off of the paper and got all over the place. I licked some up, but it was really nasty (go figure) Not like fresh semen at all. It made me kind of nauseated and I almost puked.

I’ve got a toothpaste story for you. I, too, tried using toothpaste as a lube (although I never needed lubes and very very rarely used them) as well as smeared some on my abdomen and navel. I got to orgasm all right, but when I stepped in the shower afterwards I felt a burning sensation around the head of my penis. I ended up getting some wierd burns around the head, which later formed into patches of dead skin. It was actually pretty fun peeling these off. Felt nice, but it definitely wasn’t worth it.

Amen.

55

Hang on there. You ingest your own semen because you LIKE it? I mean, not out of some sort of weird reason like “there’s nothing to clean it up with”?

Interesting, to say the least.

56

Hmmmmm…Coldfire, it IS very interesting. I mean, if guys don’t want to eat that, why should I? :smiley:

57

Well, I’m not forcing you to swallow, magdalene :wink:

But as it is, I’ve met women who don’t mind the taste or really dislike it, but none that VOLUNTEER to please pretty please drink it all. For a man to do that with his own semen seems (hah!) strange, to me. Not judging, mind you. I’m open-minded. It just never crossed my mind.

58

HAHAHAHAHAAHA! Homer… Bo… you guys are sick, but funny as hell! I swear I laughed so hard a tear ran down my face… I was afraid someone was going to here me laughing in my room and think Im going insane… Hummm I find this funny what does that say about me?

59

All I can say is, brother, I feel your pain.

As we speak.

The funny thing is, I was just looking up hemorhoids on http://www.drkoop.com and assorted other medical websites, being new to this particular TMI experience. All the info was pretty blah.

So I thought I’d search the SDMB for ‘hemorhoids’, thinking maybe someone started a thread on them sometime in the past with some better suggestions for me. And lo and behold, there was your post. From yesterday. Impeccable timing.

Witch Hazel, eh? I’ll give it a try.

– Dave (standing)

60

Here’s some more…

I’m a tad chubby. It manifests mostly in the form of “man-boobs”. They’re pretty nasty, especially since they’re covered with hair… anyway, they’re boob-esque. A couple times, I’ve tried to suck on my own nipples. I’d spend hours, twisting my neck, trying to squeeze the fat, pulling and contorting, but I was never able to do it. Ah, well. It’s not that I’m nipple-sensitive, but I just wanted to see if I could do it.

I once gave head to one end of a diving stick while another guy friend gave head to the other.

I once deeply and passionately french-kissed my best guy friend (for the viewing pleasure of a mutual female friend).

You know how the skin on the bottom of your feet is all thick? I once got a short-bladed knife and cut a huge patch of skin off of my heel. It felt really weird coming off, and it felt even weirder walking on it (but it didn’t hurt). It healed completely about a week laterr, but during that time, it’d release some kind of liquid and sock lint would get stuck on it, and it got this crusty yellow stuff covering it. It flaked off sort of like a scab, except painless.

Speaking of scabs… when most people pop zits, they just pop 'em and let that be that. However, when I pop my zits, I hack the mo-fos to death. I tear the skin off. Always results in scabs dotting my forehead… and weird crap coming out. Not just pus, mind you, but pus, blood, weird yellow-ish stuff, and even some greenish stuff once. Anyway, my forehead’s dotted with scars from these pimple mutilations.