Did anyone else see that one MadTV sketch? “Adventures of US Customs Agents”?
“This is NOT my desk!”
After reading this, I just wanted to say, :eek:
I wanted to share some of my experiences, but I just feel so… inadequate.
Well, here goes:
I first discovered the joys of masturbation at 12, and lost my virginity at 22. During that time, I estimate that I got myself off over 5000 times.
I shaved my pubic hair off once, when I was 16. I found the sensation highly erotic, but it itched like a SOB when the hair grew back. For that reason, I haven’t tried it again.
I had a case of jock itch shortly after starting my freshman year at college. Unfortunately, I had just read Cecil’s article in which he describes cases of people contracting genital herpes from public showers and baths, and I was convinced this had happened to me. I was disconsolate for weeks.
I really, really like Japanese toilets. Not the old-fashioned, aim-and-squat models, but the modern captain’s chair type. They have arm rests with banks of electronic controls on them: two sets of bidet hoses, hot air blow dryer, water pressure, temperature and aiming controls, and a heated seat. They’re great!
Sorry, I’m afraid this just doesn’t measure up to Spoofe and Homer.
–sublight
Am I the only one who shaved of his pubic hair and it DIDN’T itch?!? Man, I thought I was a freak of nature before…
I really can’t believe some of the things I’ve read here. I’m both shocked and amused… I was laughing so hard at Homer and Spoofe I was crying. I’ve already talked about my lone nipple hair but I just thought of a couple of other nasty things I can share. Nothing to compare with Spoofe but kinda gross just the same.
First of all, Rasa, I’ve had my cervix frozen too. The freezing itself was painless but that watery drip was a pain in the ass. It felt like I was pissing my pants for two weeks! I’ve also had 3 pieces of my cervix cut off. I was in the more advanced stage of cervical cancer when I was 19 and I had a LEEP done. I can’t remember what LEEP stands for but they literally cut three sections of my cervix off where the cancerous cells were. The cervix regenerates itself so it’s all back to normal now but it hurt like a mother f**ker whe he cut that last piece off. The Dr. didn’t numb the area enough and I felt all of it!! I kicked him in the shoulder when that happened and told him to stop. He was a real asshole about it and told me I was being a baby. The prick.
About 2 months later I had my cervix frozen because the LEEP didn’t get rid of all the cells. The freezing worked though. I haven’t had any problems for 6 years. The LEEP weakened my cervix though and I can’t carry a baby to term unless I have another surgical procedure done called a cerclage… that’s an entirely different story though. This is not my gross story… just feeling sympathy for Rasa.
This July I had surgery to remove what doctors though were ovarian cysts. The sonograms showed two masses the size of grapefruits on either side of my ovaries and they had to be removed immediately. When the doctor got in there (I had a laproscope done) he discovered that my fallopian tubes were infected and he removed them. Well, for almost two weeks after this surgery I had two tubes inserted into my abdomen draining the infection. They were attached to this little thing that was sucking the infection out. The pus looked yellow and red and had a really horrible smell. I could hardly walk, it hurt to breathe and I had to sleep sitting up for three days. Each day I would go into the doctor’s office and he would pull each tube out about 3 inches until finally they were out completely. It turns out I had about 24 inches of this tube coiled up inside me. After the tubes were completely out, I would leak this clear white fluid whenever I laughed or coughed. Now that was really gross.
Rachelle: LEEP is next for me, if the cryo didn’t work. I should find out next week if I have to have it done or not. Thanks for the sympathy.
Now if only my best friend would stop calling me “Katesicle”… 
I’m never speaking to any of you people again. Ever.
My TMI: I expressed a cat’s anal glands last night, with my bare hands.
I discovered how to masturbate at age six. (A lady friend once asked me, “Why did you do it if you couldn’t cum?” My answer: I had orgasms, I just couldn’t cum.) Once I got the hang of it, so to speak, I made a ritual of doing it every night. I had a little statement I said to myself before and after, to make it into a proper ritual.
I came for the first time at age 13, in front of the computer in my parents’ room, where it was stored temporarily after we moved. I have no idea what I was doing, but it wasn’t looking at porn. I know, because we hadn’t had the computer hooked up to the internet yet.
I run a gay porn site called 1001 Canadian Nights.
I have a personal porno collection of 168 megabytes. Not that that’s particularly impressive; it’s just the exact figure.
I have this really shy and reserved friend, F. He’s also really cute. Anyway, one time we ended up having sex. He made me act like a priest, with him as the satanist who rapes me (all in fantasy, I hasten to add) and makes me say blasphemies. It was really arousing.
[Edited by UncleBeer on 11-27-2001 at 11:20 AM]
Oh God! I thought I had forgotten about that but I have acutally done it many times, but to dogs. I used to work as a dog groomer and that was part of the bathing process. I used to gag as I would do it.
You oughta mention this to someone on the other board - y’know, the one who seems confused about when you’re flirting. Maybe if you tell him this…
<d&r>
I just realised that I can come from behind and win this.
The real question is, do I want to? 
hmmmmm
You gotta be careful saying stuff like that on this board!
–Tim
I had full realisation of what I was posting. Don’t worry about that Homer.
I’ve shaved mnie off a few times, and cut various patches off from time to time to see how it looks. I also have the stuff growing near down to my knees.
I don’t have any fun masturbation stories because I don’t masturbate.
umm? You have pubic hair that’s so long it touches your knees? Yep, that is indeed TMI. Not as earth-shattering as some of SPOOFE’s stuff, but TMI nonetheless.
Earth-shattering, huh? I’m flattered.
The funniest thing is I’m one of the most prudish people I know.
:eek:
I have just two secrets. I used to think they were terrible. Well, maybe they still are. Only a few people know about them.
BUT THEY’RE NOT ONE-FIFTIETH AS BAD AS WHAT SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE ADMITTING TO!
And no, I’m not telling you guys. Jeeze!
There is no way these posts can be real. No one would admit to these things. Especially SPOOFE.
(small voice) would they…?
What I meant is that I have the stuff growing on my legs. Inner thigh and the like.
Umm… it’s real. Sorry. I’ll try to not be so… strange next time
They’re real, and they’re fantastic.
Well, maybe not too fantastic. But definitely real.