“She’s cute
She’s rooty-toot-toot
I’ll bet she smells like Juicy Fruit…”
I just watched *Diabolik * last night and it’s so depressing to watch the end credits and know that it was the last episode. It was a great episode to end with, though. Nutty characters and one of the most ridiculous “groovy” plots ever.
“Is that stud coming?”
I have two more finished, folks - I just don’t have the energy to type them up right now. But soon…
**MST3K 4.12 - Hercules and the Captive Women **
Here we go again! This is an exceptional episode - because Gypsy asks and is allowed to accompany Joel and Tom and Crow into the Theater. It is also apparently the last of this particular series of Hercules movies. Gypsy doesn’t fit in especially well - as Tom points out, she is not ‘Down with the Street’. Herc’s still helping the King of Thebes, and there are some tidings of disaster. Gypsy bails early on; Herc dramatically smashes the King’s throne to show that no one will take his place while he’s away - then the King pulls a BA Baracus special on Herc, drugging him and bringing him on the ship. Some traitors sabotage the boat, and King Androcles, Herc, and Herc’s son (Hylus) all wash up on the shore of Atlantis, where the king is soon ambushed.
Host Segment One : Good-natured brawl.
Herc drifts on a raft for a while, and encounters a “captive woman” - apparently, a princess left as a sacrifice for Proteus. There’s some lackluster shapeshifting, and Herc whacks Proteus, freeing the woman. Watch for the excellent reference to the Simpsons opening sequence. Herc takes the girl back to her family - the Queen of Atlantis. They’re celebrating Uranus (which gets so many jokes that I can’t catalogue them all) and sacrificing kids. Fun! We learn the Queen wanted her daughter dead because of a prophecy, and soldiers sneak the princess back out to kill her again - where they are overwhelmed by Hylus and a dwarf. Meanwhile, Herc enjoys dancing girls.
Host Segment Two : Trivial Pursuit, History of the Gods.
Thr Queen gives Herc drugged wine to trap him into staying - he pretends to swallow it and faint. We learn Androcles is her prisoner and her guards take him to the "slav"e pits to dispose of him - but Herc, Hylus, and the dwarf free the slaves and the injured Androcles, and join forces, learning the slaves are survivors of exposure to a rock that ‘changes men’. Herc finds the rock and chats with a priest of Uranus, learning it can be destroyed by sunlight. There’s a big battle and the slaves are killed, Herc’s associates taken prisoner. Herc confronts the queen, and learns of the men who survived the rock - albino supersoldiers with strength comparable to his own.
Host Segment Three : Herc action figure.
Herc finds himself in the dungeon with his son - the ceiling begins to drop as strange mist pours in. Hylus is less than useless, so Herc takes care of the problem, and they escape. Hylus takes a guard’s disguise and goes to save the rest while Herc circles back to take care of the rock - poking a hole in the cavern roof that shields it, leaving the sun to lackadaisically wander towards the rock while Herc and friends escape - and then see Atlantis explode.
Finale : Ceremony for the “Last” Hercules movie. Which is interesting, as there were others - though perhaps not in the same series. They also do one more in Season Five.
MST3K 4.13 - Manhunt in Space
We open as the crew discusses Black and White movies versus Color - we learn Tom is colorblind.
For our short, we get an episode of General Hospital. I’m not going to link that, you all know General Hospital. It’s gloomy and muted, and has far too much organ music. As we get into the feature, there’s a great meta moment. Tom spots a planet on a screen that resembles the MST3K logo, and after he comments on it, Joel rebukes him, saying “You’re not supposed to know about that.” We’re on a rocket with two annoying feebs, one male, one female, that loses all instruments. Then we’re back at Space Ranger HQ, with Rocky Jones and Winky, who is the sidekick and the butt of a lot of homosexual innuendoes from the crew. They meet with their leader, learning of all the ships disappearing on the way to Casa 7. Rocky stops to talk with a professor friend, and gets some secret “cold light” technology before heading off to investigate.
Host Segment One : Riff on General Hospital.
The ship from the opening is boarded by space pirates - the feebs turn the tables, temporarily, but the guy is ambushed when he wanders over to the pirate’s ship. The pirates grab their stuff and leave the feebs stranded in orbit where “It’s a million to one shot we’ll every be seen.” (Crow : “Oh, they’re on Comedy Central.”) They spot Rocky and Winky coming in, and manage a feeble signal, and are rescued - after the crew riffs mercilessly on the suggestive docking sequences. Rocky and Winky brings the feebs in for a safe landing on Casa 7.
Host Segment Two : “Space” Modifiers.
The experts analyze data. They determine the pirates probably lair on “Prah”, which has a nigh-impenetrable defense screen. Rocky pooh-poohs the defenses, and explains the Cold Light to Winky - it uses the principle behind Mirages to make things, like the ship, invisible. Huh. They head to Prah, and Rocky makes a dramatic entrance form the invisible ship - and is promptly captured. Thank god the pirates are idiots, as he and Winky use his communicator to perform a little space-ventriloquy, and get him out of the pokey. There’s a weird break as Winky and Rocky head bak to Casa 7 - like this was made in two halves for TV - and then we learn of a spy, Ken, on Casa 7 working with the pirates.
Host Segment Three : Crow confuses the movie with Fugitive Alien (There is both a Rocky and Ken, but no Forklift to be seen) and Mike shows up as Winky on the Hexfield.
The men discuss the probable traitor in their midst. Winky sings. Ken KO’s Rocky and imprisons him in a closet on Rocky’s own ship. The pirates arrive, after Ken cuts the planet’s defenses - intent on taking the planet and the Cold Light technology. Well, Rocky escapes, and it’s all downhill from there for the pirates, as they fall, one by one. We do get a nice Chief/McCloud riff during this bit.
Finale : Joel uses Tom and Crow as an amp and guitar.
Yay! I just found this thread (where the hell have I been?) and am now following along with the home game (wink wink winky).
In Space Manhunt, I love how our clever hero, Rocky, outsmarts (if only temporarily) the baddies by switching the chalk marking on the landing platform. “Good thing I always keep a piece of chalk with me”. This provides a brief embarrasment for that traitor Ken as he tries to show his comrades the invisible ship. Unfortunately they don’t think to check the other 2 landing pads. :wally
If my feeble memory serves me correctly, it doesn’t just resemble the logo - it’s the actual planet they used to create the logo. I think.
Really? Hm. Maybe the one they modelled it on…
Manhunt In Space may be the earliest TV show that they’ve ever done.
I know I’ve seen both of these episodes but damn if I can remember more than a few moments from either of them.
**MST3K 4.14 - Tormented **
As we join the SOL, the Bots are playing in a ventilation duct, much to Joel’s annoyance.
The movie this week is Tormented, another Bert I Gordon gem. It actually does manage to be a little creepy, and in that regard, is probably one of the more solid of Bert’s films. Our central character is Tom, and we meet him in a lighthouse, where he is rendezvousing with his mistress, Vi, and they’re having a heart to heart about their relationship, the letters Vi has kept, and Tom’s fiance, Meg. Vi suddenly finds herself danglign from a faulty railing at the top of the lighthouse, and Tom hesitates to save her … she plummets to her doom. Then we begin to see a series of apparent hallucinations as Tom’s mind begins to unravel with guilt. We also meet Sandy, Meg;s adorable younger sister, who will be important later.
Host Segment One : Joel is cleaning the duct from the opening, and falls, dangling from the opening - the Bots refuse to help.
The spooky observations continue in the second segment. We meet blind Mrs. Ellis, a former real estate agent, who apparently is a friend of Tom’s. He seems to trust her, and asks her about ghosts, and gets a little ghost story in return. I will comment here that a repeated riff in this episode is, whenever there’s a beach scene, Tom pipes in with “Sessions presents…” in the manner of the music collections they see on TV. He’ll say an artist’s name, and one of the three will sing a snippet, then Tom will say another name, and so on. It’s a good bit.
Host Segment Two : Joel makes a lighthouse diorama, off of which the crew drops effigies of pop musicians.
The observations start to intrude on other people, as Meg’s wedding dress is found covered in seaweed. Tom has a chat with Mrs. Ellis again, and she learns of Vi, but not Vi’s living-impairedness. Mrs. Ellis intuits that Vi might be hiding at the lighthouse, and goes to have a chat with her. (see Signature Riff) We get the complication in this section - a boat captain/milkman who brought Vi to the island, starting to nose into Tom’s business.
Host Segment Three : The Bots leave their disembodied heads on the counter to scare Joel; Joel steals their bodies.
The boat captain presses the whole blackmail deal - Tom leads him to the lighthouse, where he sees Vi’s spirit, taunting him to kill the captain. Which he does. Unfortunately, young Sandy was upstairs, and witnessed the crime, causing her a lot of soul-searching angst. The wedding goes on as planned, and Sandy holds her peace, but there’s some wind and flower-wilting that suggests of a supernatural presence. After, Tom goes to the lighthouse to talk to Vi, and Sandy follows him - causing him to take her up to the edge, and consider killing her, too - but Vi’s ghost appaears, causing him to tumble from the lighthouse.
Finale : The crew cries; Joel suggests singing about happy things to cheer them all up. Amusingly, Tom’s head detaches during the song, prompting Crow to scream, but Joel reaffixes it quickly and Crow recovers instantly.
Signature Riff:
(as Mrs. Ellis “looks” from the top of the lighthouse)
<Crow as Mrs. Ellis> : “Hey, I can’t see my house from up here!”
Ah, Hercules and the Captive Women. My first MST3K movie. The only riffs I remember are Gyspy’s “They’re steam-cleaning the horses,” the Simpsons reference, and the Hawaii 5-0 reference.
The thing I remember about “Tormented” was that Tom had good taste in the ladies. Both Vi and Meg were H-O-T.
And this one had another appearance by MST alum Merrit Stone.
**MST3K 4.15 - The Beatniks **
Joel plays Rock Paper Scissors with the Bots, and they complain at the unnecessary roughness. Seems like we got a new Magic Voice here, but I didn’t check the credits. Joel’s invention is “Pocket Pool” complete with amusing visuals.
We open with another installment of General Hospital. It’s a very awkward, bitter engagement party. I can’t get over how bleak these segments are.
Our feature is the Beatniks, written, directed, and starring a few voices of Paul Frees, in addition to the traditional onscreen cast. We meet our lovable titular gang of “Beatniks”, which are really nothing of the sort. They’re robbing a gas station/liquor store, apparently not for the first time. Crow makes one of his “Oh, is the great ______ going to perform in this movie” references, and Tom counter-zings him. (“Oh, is the great Crow going to make that joke every time?”) There’s a diner scene in which the boom man’s shadow is visible, the leader of the gang (Eddy) indulges in song, and there happens to be an agent there in the diner. What a twist!
Host Segment One : The Crew mocks the lack of Beatnik-ness in the film. “You’re not a Beatnik If…”
Eddy and his gang are persuaded to come into the agent’s office for an audition, and Eddy makes goo-goo eyes at the young bkonde secretary. He soon makes a TV appearance, lamely crooning… prompting Crow. (“Boy, Beatnik music is really square.”) His Beatnik pals start to get edgy as they think they might lose their leader to the lure of the stagelights.
Host Segment Two : Bots have a slumber party, and dish on Tony Travis (Eddy).
The gang heads to a bar, and starts stirring up all kinds of trouble. The bartender is having none of their senanigans and calls the cops - but is persuaded by “Mooney” to not bring in the fuzz … and is rewarded with a massive head injury. He awakens long enough to shoot one of the “Beatniks”, who then make a hasty getaway. Eddy is conflicted - the profitable singing contract and the hot blonde secretary, or his psychopathic pal Mooney? Tough call. He phones Helen, the secretary, and then plans to go talk to her in person, but his Beatnik pals persuade him not to. He waffles on his entertainment deal - first deciding to leave it behind, and then when they almost get kicked out of their hotel, changes his mind and decides to go in after all to the late night recording session.
Host Segment Three : Tom’s star rises in whirlwind fashion, complete with spinning newspaper headlines.
The agent goes to talk with Eddy’s pals to try and clear up some conflict for the boy - this causes Mooney to snap with paranoia, stabbing the agent, and taking out the rest of the gang. Mooney bolts, only to show up later at Eddy’s studio, and the two of them stage-fight a resolution before being hauled off by the police.
Finale : Joel and Tom muse on whether ‘dickweed’ is a curse; Crow acts like Mooney; the Mads have trouble pushing the button.
**MST3K 4.16 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space **
Okay, this is going to be a short one. Why? Because we have a new contender for MST movie where the least happens. Plus, I’d like to trend the descriptions of the movies to be smaller. Less board resource usage, less tired fingers.
A new moon of Jupiter is discovered. Five extremely bland scientists launch to go have a look around. Rather improbably, it is inhabited. By the survivors of Atlantis. Which include one (1) monster, one (1) old fart, and a plethora of short-skirted beauties with a penchant for dance numbers. Two of our scientist types spend most of the movie in the Atlantis compound, the other three outside dealing with the monster. This movie takes padding to a whole new level, because other than the climax, I’ve just described the whole thing. Seriously.
The running theme through the host segments of this one is Timmy, Crow’s dark doppelganger. Timmy becomes progressively more violent and intrusive until Host Segment Three, where Joel deals with him in classic ‘Aliens’ tradition.
Signature Riff :
<Crow> “Jupiter! America’s Dairyland.”
“I’m gonna moon ya, man! I’m gonna moon ya!!”
A wee bit o’ trivia…Timmy, played by a Crow painted black, is actually the Crow that is on the screen most often. When they were in the theater, they couldn’t use the gold-painted puppet, for fear of reflections, so they use a black-painted one instead. For this episode, they decided to pull it out for use in the host segments. IIRC, a smiliar evil Servo shows up at one point as well (same deal - notice you can’t see through Servo’s head while the movie’s playing).
I’ll have to put “Fire Maidens” and “Beatniks” on my wish list…
It’s been a week or so, and I’ve finished another minor MST gem.
**MST3K 4.17 - Crash of (the) Moons **
It surprised me to learn that this was a sequel to Manhunt in Space, including even some of the same bad-guys. There’s another installment of General Hospital, horribly bleak, to lead things off, though. It’s worth mentioning that TV’s John Banner is in this picture, best remembered as the lovable Sgt. Schultz. Don’t worry, Joel and the Bots won’t let you forget.
The plot’s fairly simple. There’s a pair of wandering “gypsy” moons that pas through the solar system, orbiting each other, and after a near-miss with a space station, our heroes discover that one of the moons is going to impact with and destroy the planet of a ruthless female dictator and her kept-in-the-dark subjects. Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, has to help with the evacuation of the moon, and try and convince the treacherous, spoiled queen to cooperate for the preservation of her people.
Host Segments include Crow selling Grit - the dirt, not the magazine; the ‘Gypsy Moon’ song; the ‘Banner-Gram’, Crow’s new scifi teleplay with babblish jargon; and Mike appears as John Banner himself, and the crew decides to send Dr. F a Banner-gram.
Ah, that’s funny. While reading old back issues of comics, we have frequently wondered whether it would be easier to sell Grit in the form of the magazine, or dirt. I think I’d rather have the dirt.
Too bad MST3K didn’t use any latter-day General Hospital, where they revealed the secrets of the Lost City of Eterna, which all the characters knew about but simply had never mentioned before, at least in any conversation the audience ever saw!
Getting a banner-gram would be cool. Just don’t mention Werner Klemperer.
**MST3K 4.18 - Attack of The The Eye Creatures **
The infamous ‘The The Eye Creatures’. Apparently a victim of retitling, the producers sloppily appended ‘Attack of The’ to the previous title ‘The Eye Creatures’ and a paragon of redundancy was born, only equaled by Paul McCartney’s ‘ever-changing world in which we live in’. To quote the crew, ‘Did Mel Tillis write these titles?’
It’s a bit muddled as a movie, but essentially, these white puffy creatures, with a random assortment of eyes, and a horrible vulnerability to bright light, land in a rural area. They cause some trouble with a pair of smoochers - teenagers - that get blamed for killing a man who the creatures apparently mauled to death. Also involved is an Air Force unit with all the dignity and discipline of F-Troop. The creatures are particularly amusing for the perpetual yawn that their faces are frozen in. Some of the characters are pretty sleazy, prompting Joel to apologize for his gender at one point.
The host segments include Crow and Tom in a “best friends” stage; the Mads invent the Ouija Board / Router (“We are in contact with someone or something called ‘Ethan Allen’.”), Tom wants to make out with Crow, or anyone, really; Salute to Earl Halliman, who resembles one of the actors in the picture; the ‘Rip Taylor’ trio; and the crew puts the producers of the film on trial , accusing them of ‘just not caring’ - citing the random day-for-night shots, the incomplete monster costumes, and other damning evidence.
Signature Riff:
<Crow> “The the End. Let’s Let’s go.”