OK, I’ve been Grouchy and Cynical ever since my Small Child (and her puppy!) were killed in a car crash when I was driving too fast on that icy road. I was probably yelling at her for sharing her McDonalds milkshake (product placement!) with the puppy.
And btw, Slap!
After some careful thought, I have decided to end any speculation about what I am before it begins. This talk of movies has Me worried that I may be misrepresented by those who do not understand Me. I fear being shown as one-dimensional, as a “flat” character, if you will. Gray blobs, putrid moldy creatures - this is not what I am! There is more to Me, more to what I am than that. That is why I have decided to tell you… My Story.
It is a tragic tale of loss, of pride, and of ultimate downfall. But it takes great strength for Me to compose words even as simple as these. My time is short. I will tell you what I can as I am able. I cannot let Myself grow too weak, for fear of not being able to finish. If I do not finish, you may not understand. And you must understand… you… must… understand Me. It is the Only Way. I grow… tired now. I must go.
Okay, places everyone. All you teeming millions, you are the crowd protesting outside the house that has the Cooler of Death. Remember folks, this is not just a horror movie. It is a bittersweet tapestry of life.
Wait a minute, folks, the casting director is handing me a note. It says, “We also have to cast the role of your penis.” What, I don’t remember this role. What? That’s because it’s such a small part?
Not funny. Everyone who laughed just lost their residuals. Back in the cooler, hyperjes. Yes, I know it’s hot in there. We’ll cut some air holes.
SuperLorie, you’re the Wacky Neighbor who has built an ejection catapult to escape from the neighborhood in case Something Goes Horribly Wrong. Marlitharn, this is the scene where your head explodes. What’s that? What’s your motivation? Just think of Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top having sex. No, don’t explode your head yet … Okay, can someone put Marlitharn back together. We’ll shoot this scene later.
Eve, in this scene you grab Velma by the collar and scream that she is eeeevil, eeeeevil. Ivylass, look perky. Quantum Butterfly, you do science stuff. On my cue. Aaaaaand action.
Okay, cut. That’s great, Eve. Very convincing, very. Eve, you don’t have to throttle Velma. Eve, Eve, please, let go of her throat. Somebody grab Eve.
(God, I hate working with divas. And here I though Bette Davis and Joan Crawford were difficult.)
All right, everyone, take five. Makeup, Velma is looking a little blue. To all you extras over there, please do not lean against the catapult. I said * please do not lean against the …*
Okay, someone please go get SuperLorie. You’ll probably have to take the car.
RJK, you drive.
Take twenty, everyone. Meanwhile, all the dancers please report to my trailer for rehearsal …
Hey, Satisfying Andy Licious, what about me? I’m the Brilliant And Tormented But Formerly Well-Adjusted (Or At Least As Well-Adjusted As An Artist Ever Gets) Artist Who Struggles To Express The Horror Of The Visions That The Evil Has Brought To His Mind While All The Time Slowly Going Mad! Don’t I get a part?
I start the car, cursing at you all, and peel out after SuperLorie. As I burn rubber out of the lot, I cleverly sideswipe the trailer, which turns over and bursts into flame …
I’m more than happy to be one of the paying public who gets to see the movie (although I would prefer to be invited to the premiere). Just hurry up and make the damn thing!
I am sorry, but you may have to purchase extra lights if you wish to continue filming your little movie. I will soon destroy the sun. Then darkness will be all you know.
Aiiiieeeeieieieeeeee scrabble scrabble drool
The Horor The Hororororororrrrrrr… …
Flink
It’s so muussshhyyyyyyyy
MUUSSHHYYYY
crawling up my aaaAAARARRRMMMMMMMMMMMMM
(twitch)
I think we need a part for an aging, but still busty, actress trying to revive her career by appearing in a blockbuster movie. I see her as Evil’s love interest. He promises her eternal youth, but she turns it down for a really good foot massage. Intrigued, Evil pursues her, determined to win this woman or at least get her recipe for lemon tarts. She, for her part, senses that there may be more to Evil than meets the eye (it’s hard to tell what’s underneath his flowing black robe)–the love of a good woman may be what Evil needs to fulfill his destiny–and she’s just the woman to be (drumroll and ta-da) The Woman Behind the Evil (we’re talking sequel material here). In the end, Evil leaves her, but, --and here’s the twist–she doesn’t give a damn, my dear.
I see myself in this role. I’ve got cleavage that could put an eye out.
And I’m not afraid to use it.
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/getfuzzy/archive/getfuzzy-20030422.html
I think I know now what the unknown substance is… cookie dough 
… please continue casting the movie… didn’t mean to interrupt…
"Evil never says please."
Ah, that’s where you are wrong, Satisfying Andy Licious! Evil most assuredly says please…when it wants something. So much the better to lure them in with sugar, then rip out their bowels. Anyone with a dating history certainly knows that Evil often comes in gorgeous packages. 
Therefore, I maintain that I will make an excellent The Evil.
(And I like it hot in the cooler. It’s much more like home!
)
I’ll be The Evil Scientist Who Schemes To Use Evil As Part Of His Own Nefarious Invention For World Domination. I’ll need a female Evil Scientist assistant who will also be my consort, and a couple of henchmen to steal the Cooler of Evil and bring it back to my lab.
Of course, I get eaten by Evil before I can use my Nefarious Invention.
Still wonderful, aren’t I? And no dialogue. We didn’t need dialogue. We had faces. There just aren’t any faces like mine anymore. Maybe one . . . Garbo. Oh, those idiot producers! Those imbeciles! Haven’t they got any eyes? Have they forgotten what a star looks like? I’ll show them! I’ll be up there again! So help me!
Eve, could you maybe not dig in your nails so much next time? I’ll have to get a stunt double!
Makeup! I need makeup over here!
Is anyone else starting to think that the Cooler of Death sounds a lot like Mr. Burns?
No way. Definitely James Earl Jones.
I would have said Vincent Price, but there is, of course, a small problem there.
Way back, in the long, long ago, when the world was still young, there were but two forces that ruled the land. One resided in perpetual darkness, in the fires of the center of the earth, where no good would ever be known. The other could be found in the open fields, under the great blue sky. One drew fear into the hearts of all who chanced upon it. One brought happiness to all good hearted and honest creatures. I was torn from one, and forced to serve the other. I lost everything I had on one fateful day, one day that has almost been forgotten in the untold, murky depths of the past. But I will not forget. I must not forget. To forget that day would mean forgetting not only what I had, but who I was, and who I am. I cannot - I must not - let that happen.
This is my story. This story must not be forgotten.
I began life, not as a cooler, but as a small, innocent marsupial. Why a marsupial, you ask? Well, like you, I did not choose my parents. I had to work with what I was given. So bear with me here. I was born a small marsupial. I was born under the protection of the mighty ruler of the Good lands. He was a fair and just ruler, as far as rulers go. He was known as Skippy the Wonder Horse to those who loved him. His story was lost long ago, though, on a tablet that was stolen from the great libraries - never to be seen again. I remember very little of him, personally, but I remember the night I was taken away from him all too well.
It was a night like any in the Good lands. Calm, clear – not a hint of anything unpleasant or… evil. Not until I was engulfed in flame, that is. One moment, I was in peaceful slumber, the next, I was surrounded by fire. The smoke tore through the delicate skin of my throat – I could not breathe. Every direction looked the same, the flames burned closer, brighter, I could not escape - and behind it all, I heard The Laugh. I cannot begin to describe it in your language, but it could be mistaken for nothing other than the sound of Evil itself. Soon, the flames began to fade, and all fell dark, and silent. The Silent Darkness lasted what seemed an eternity. But compared to what followed – let me just say that I now long for that timeless World of Darkness to return.
:eek:
(carrot, it was the destroying the sun reference that made me think of Mr. Burns.)
Not trying to interrupt, Cooler (may I call you Cooler?). Carry on.
Ha! And the cooler is funny, too!
Too bad such a good, funny writer is branded as “The Cooler of Death.” It seems he’s painted himself into a corner, one-trick-ponied himself, pigeoned his hole, removed all future options, shot his wad, etc.
Maybe he could ask a mod to change his name once this thread runs its course.
But, I might add, his presence here has made this thread that much more funny.
Happy
Well, “Happy,” if that is indeed your real name - your concerns for my well being are hereby noted. I admit the likelihood of my survival, once this place of my digital birth is gone, is not great. It was not my intention to come this way, as you will soon see. But enough distraction, I’ve wasted too much time already. On with My Story.
After the long period of darkness had passed, I found myself in a subterranean cavern. It was cold. But the walls resonated with a pulse - a deep, slow, pounding drumbeat of a pulse that made my teeth rattle and my stomach churn. The walls gave off the faintest bit of light, by which I could just barely make out The Path. The Path led only one direction. Down. So I began walking.
I couldn’t feel much of anything down there except for It, and It grew closer and more deafening with every step. Every corner I turned, I expected to discover the source of the foul noise. It couldn’t be far now, could it? I’ve been walking for so long now. But each corner led only to another corner. Every left turn led to another descending left turn. I could not go back. I was compelled to continue by some unseen force, which, like an invisible hand on my shoulder, pushed me forward. And It - It kept growing louder.
Somewhere along the way, I began to change. It began slowly at first. I hardly noticed it. But the changes became more profound, harder to ignore. I was slowly but surely becoming… the cavern. I cannot explain it, but soon I was the essence of the cavern itself – I no longer existed in any meaningful, physical form, but I was a part of the very fabric of my new world. Yet my journey continued, seeping, dripping, sliding forever downward.
I did not understand what had happened to me until I finally met Him. He also had no meaningful physical form, yet from the first time I heard His voice I knew. He was the deafening pulse. He was the fire that had consumed me. I was a part of Him now. A part of everything…