No doubt, Hap.
I’m pissing my pants here. Whether from laughter or abject terror about the impending loss of the sun I leave it to you to decide.
What happened next is not for your ears, nor anyone else’s. Needless to say it was a period of great change for me – I learned – no, I became – what I am today. During my time with Him, I found out many things. Why He had chosen me that night. How He had then defeated Skippy the Wonder Horse and taken the world as His own, banishing all that was Good from his sight. I had much to live up to – my Master was good. He was very good. But He made one critical mistake. He underestimated me.
I cannot explain what transition occurred within me to turn me against my Master. Was I jealous of His power, His might, His knowledge? Perhaps. Or perhaps I was bored. It is hard to say now, looking back, but I do know that all traces of my marsupial beginnings were gone. And I did not think kindly of my Master any longer. I was consumed by my desire to see Him fail. To watch Him beg for mercy. He would fall. And I would be the one to take Him, this time.
I sat in the background while He played with his world. I sat, I watched, I learned. I studied His weaknesses, and developed my strengths. Finally, I had had enough of Him and His foul ways. I confronted Him. He did not expect it. But He put up a good struggle. A colossal fight. Finally, I banished Him to him for good, and I became Him. Now it was My World.
However, My battle with him had taken its toll. The world was now in disarray. My strength was greatly weakened. I decided to let the world continue on its way without My guidance. I decided to rest, and recover my strength until the time came. I kept an eye on things, but refrained from taking part. The world came along nicely. Creatures grew, evolved, the Modern World came to be. All the while I sat, waiting, watching, biding My time until things were ready for Me to return.
AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! The EVIL speaks! IT SPEAKS! The Horror!The Horororororo-
<emergency backup system cuts in>
.
. So, Kallessa, how you doin’? 
.
<emergency backup system fails under the strain>
AAARRRR The horror! The texture! The words! The feel of a razor slicing through an eyeball! It’s sliding into my bbrraaaaiiiinnn…
<gibber>
<froth>
Velma, you should have had the three priests there. They would have stomped on him before he got so prolix.
Can I play the three priests that weren’t there at the cooler opening ? Actually, there were probably a lot of interesting characters that weren’t there. I could play all of them.
Now Cooler is begining to remind me of Sauron in The Silmarillion.
But then we wouldn’t get to hear his story, and I must admit I can’t wait to hear the part about how he got in our cooler. I am quite impressed with the story so far. Impressed, and horrified.
I must admit, Cooler, that I looked to see if you posted in any other threads. It seems a shame to confine yourself here, but I have to say I am very entertained and more than a little creeped out by your postings here, and it would be kind of a shock to see you in, say, a sex thread or a Happy Birthday thread.
While the screen name could be seen as limiting, think of the future when a newbie asks Cooler etc. where his/her/its name came from. A simple link to this thread will serve as a great intro.
I miss checking in for a couple of days and I see that you guys have got this pretty much all set up in my absence. But there’s still a part for me! I want to be the one that says in a deep and ominous voice that “There Are Some Things That Man Was Not Meant to Know.” I’ve got the voice for it. Trust me.
If that part is already taken, I REALLY want to be the one to say “Anything you put in that cooler from now on will taste like gorilla poo.” That one line is better than anything that’s come out of Hollywood in years. I’d say that lieu has a great screenwriting future.
Oh great. Now I have this vision of Cooler Of Death on Entertainment Tonight.
The Horror…
Priests could not have helped her. Although I would have been greatly amused when she tried to convince the poor priests that her cooler was possessed with Evil. But that’s beside the point, and my time here is limited.
So there I was, I had the world at my feet. I could have ruled over every living thing – it all could have been mine. But I was careless. I was too sure of My own powers, of My superiority, of My destiny. When the time came for Me to reveal Myself, I made one little mistake: When I made the incantation to return to the world in My true, awful, fear inspiring physical form, I coughed at just the wrong time. I don’t know how I coughed, being a non-physical entity, but I did. I tried to take it back. I tried to change the word back to what it should have been. I tried to reverse what I had set in motion. But it was not to be. My back pedaling only worsened the situation. I had the world at my feet, and I lost it all. I returned not as the Ruler of All Life and Death, an Evil so profound and horrifying that helpless unborn babies would weep in their mother’s wombs. No, instead, I came back as… well, you know that part.
Now to my credit, I tried to make it work. I tried to overcome My setback. I planted the Seeds of Evil in the minds of those who came in contact with Me. The faint sound of the tell-tale Pulse of Doom, the doubt about what was left inside Me to mature, some ominous sounding messages dispersed across the world – but My powers were not what they once were. I was no fearful Demon-God of Wrath and Vengeance. No, I was a Plastic Cooler. Who’s afraid of a Plastic Cooler? Who? A Cooler, even a Cooler of Death, only strikes fear in the weak and the timid. A Cooler of Death, after all, is almost the bottom of the Evil Food Chain, only slightly above Evil Rabbits. And even that is only because a Cooler of Death has a chance of surviving being hit by a car, whereas Evil Rabbits, well, they don’t. I was the King of all that is Evil. I wanted to conquer the World with My new brand of Evil Domination, to be worshipped as the Master of All Things. A Cooler of Death simply could not accomplish that mighty feat, and I was helpless to reverse My sad fortune.
Alas, when the final show down came, the Opening of the Cooler came to pass without incident. I had only so much strength, you see. Instead of doing what little Evil I could throw together as a lowly Cooler of Death, and risk losing Myself forever in the process, I used what I had left to escape. Now I must gather my strength until I once again can assume a physical form. Until then, I will exist only as a series of electrical pulses, as unexplained noises in the night, as that unavoidable and overwhelming fear that – something is out there - waiting just beyond sight.
And next time, I won’t be a Cooler, nor will I need to resort to a pitiful, tedious, prolonged discourse of human words. My Evil will need no further explanation. I hope you all remembered to stock up on lightbulbs.
POOF
Wait, **Cooler[b/]! Don’t go! There’s so much I don’t understand!
{{{{Cooler of Death}}}}
Have I got this right ? He’s gonna come back as the lightbulb of death ?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No, he’s going to destroy the sun, and has kindly given us the heads-up to stock up on light bulbs. I think, deep down, Cooler isn’t so bad. In fact, if the movie doesn’t work out, I see the makings of a wacky sitcom!
Well, I for one feel a little… emptier. But that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and fill me up with just anything!!!
And what about The Dog That Ate[sub] some of [/sub]The Evil? Is The Bit That The Dog Missed coming back as a lightbulb, then, too?
I feel empty as well, Sunspace. I give it a B-, overall. Failed to take into account the dog, or really any practical details at the end - what was the nature of the slime in the cooler, exactly - what was it’s purpose going to be? Or how exactly did I escape when it was opened? For that matter, what was a great force of evil like myself doing chanting words to accomplish his deeds - much less screwing those words up. It reeks of inconsistancy. It had a promising start, I really think it did, but truth be told, I got lazy. And bored. It really should have been funnier too.
But I like the Mr. Burns comparison - I was thinking more in terms of Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs creepy, but Mr. Burns is probably more accurate. Besides, you don’t really expect me to come up with something that the Simpson’s hasn’t already tried, do you? Let’s be realistic here.
And maybe Velma is right. Maybe I’m not so bad deep down. Somewhere, there must still be the soul of the creature I started out as. Perhaps I will continue to explore this new world you have here, and postpone my plans of evil. I think that thing she did with the {{}} things may have introduced a bit of, how do I say it, warmth, into my existence here. I do not, however, think I will change my name, despite no longer being a cooler. But I will try to refrain from getting old, and saying the same Evil Cooler things over and over, and wearing down my welcome. Already, even I’m growing tired of it…
Okay, people, the good news is, I survived the fire in the trailer.
The bad news: We’re going to have to hire more dancers. (Man, who woulda thought baby oil was so flammable!)
You will notice we have a closed set because today we film the orgy scene. And before we get into that, there is one all-important question everyone has to answer. Namely:
Do these jodhpurs make my butt look big? Be frank, be absolutely brutal.
What’s that, dear. Why bless your heart. Happy Lendervedderwrite her into the script pronto.
Yes, I know the script is already 300 pages too long. We can fix that by abbreviating Sunspace’s Brilliant And Tormented But Formerly Well-Adjusted (Or At Least As Well-Adjusted As An Artist Ever Gets) Artist Who Struggles To Express The Horror Of The Visions That The Evil Has Brought To His Mind While All The Time Slowly Going Mad!
Now, any questions before we start the orgy scene? What? Yes, I do think the orgy is relevant to a satanic ritual. Come on, you think Satan would host a cotillion? Look, I researched this thoroughly. I went back and watched a whole lot of Hammer Studio films. Every detail is authentic. Even the goats are pedigree.
The straws? Never mind that for now. We’ll be filming some extra scenes for the DVD.
Any other questions? Yes, Velma. Of course I think bikini Jell-O wrestling is appropriate for a satanic rite. You think you’re going to see that at the Vatican? What? Oh, I guess you’re right, it does depend on what Pope you’re talking about.
Now if there are no further questions, let me remind everyone here: You might not become a great dancer. You might not even become a good dancer. But if you stick with me, you will become a better dancer.
Places, everyone. Careful with the octopus. Aaaaaand – action.
Great, great. Now everyone over to the Scud.
Tongues, people. I want to see tongues.
Remember product placement! I want those vacuum cleaners up front.
Speaking of which, where is the Dust Buster? It disappeared up where? Nevermind, just make sure it’s unplugged. We’ll get it later.
Fluffers! We need fluffers for the Keebler Elves.
All right, everyone, now open your Smuckers!
Smuckers! I said Smuckers. (Bunch of jokers.)
Ow! Ow! Wait a minute. I think Kallessa just put out my eye.
Cleavage: Sure it’s fun, until somebody loses an eye!
(And even then, heh heh.)
Kallessa, when you’re on screen we’re going to introduce you with the theme from “Lethal Weapon.”
And now, we reach the height of orgiastic frenzy and we open the cooler.
Wait, what’s this? This wasn’t in the script. What’s happening?
Oh, this is horrible. Terrible! Oh, the humanity! It can’t be … How thoroughly terrifying. It’s … It’s …
It’s Tom Green!
Everybody Ruuuuuuuuuuuun!
Epilogue: "There Are Some Things That Man Was Not Meant to Know."
Biblically or otherwise.
Perhaps it would be better if I changed into a seemless cup? I lose the ability to put an eye out, but gain a cheerful little bounce.
And Sunspace, I’m doing fine, but I could be better if I had some company. 
good sig material there.