Things I learned from cartoons

The Flintstones taught me to never tell your wife the truth, instead you should make up an elaborate lie so you can go to the Water Buffalo lodge. I also learned that if you run through the house, you’ll pass the same lamp again and again. I also learned that animators can draw fast enough to make cartoons in front of a live studio audience. Apparently this audience was high or something because they laughed if Fred said so much as “Hey Wilma”. Maybe the animators did funny things off camera.

From Scooby Doo I learned that you can make incredible special effects that are totally convincing, like a flying saucer or a giant ghost cow, with a ruler, some lint, and a light bulb. I also learned that dogs can talk and that people who show up briefly for no reason are always guilty of making incredible special effects with a ruler and lint and would’ve run this amusement park if not for the meddlings of a talking dog, a junky, a fruity guy, a ditsy babe, and a lesbian.

From Loony Tunes I learned that explosives are the best way to deal with your rivals. And that Bugs Bunny with a wig looks kinda hot. Try explaining that to your pastor sometime.

Underdog taught me that pills give you super powers, and Super Friends taught me that Aquaman is pretty much a wuss. Akira taught me that Japanese kids were watching way better stuff than I was.

I learned that when there is even circumstantial evidence to implicate you of a crime/trason/whatever, your friends and family will immediately assume the worst, and turn on you completely. And no one is ever hurt or bitter when they are exonerated.

And from G.I. Joe, I learned that no matter how intense the battle, no living being ever gets killed. Robots and zombies are fair game, though. Except for guest stars, and on season premieres and finales.

From many cartoons, I learned that the sky in the desert is yellow, and cloudless.

…And if you die, by default you go to a generic Judeo-Christian type afterlife. Unless you die in a place with a well known and somewhat “exotic” religion of it’s own, (Like Egypt, or India), in which case you go to THAT religion’s afterlife.

I learned that by wearing a costume I gain supernatural abilities such as the ability to fly, superhuman strength and the ability to pass through solid objects.

Bumbles bounce.

In cartoons, all turkeys are brown.

In real life, turkeys on farms are white.
I know, it seems trivial. But my husband and I have debated at length on this subject.

He used to work on a poultry farm and thinks he should know. I counter this with “But on Bugs Bunny, they’re brown!”

Who would you believe?

The things that stick with me the most are cartoon physics.

Gravity:
-You won’t fall until you realize you’re not standing on anything.
Mechanics:
-Inanimate objects have an inherent sense of good and evil, and thus ‘booby traps’ will only function when the rigger is testing them.

-Painted portals to painted locations will function as real portals to real locations, if the would-be entrant is pure of heart.

Light:
-vanishing cream makes you vanish

I learned that no matter how high the cliff, any fall can be survived by holding on to a minature parasol, whereupon you will gently waft to the ground.

Sure, it’s funny now. But when I jumped off the roof holding an umbrella and killed my mother’s prize rose bush when I landed on it, nobody laughed at all. Plus, my scream scared the hell out of the neighbor’s dog.

PS - My brother and I tried again the next day, each of us holding two corners of Mom’s bedsheet. Still didn’t work.

Even if it DOES comes from Acme, an umbrella will NOT stop a huge boulder.

You can only die by means of falling anvils and falling pianos.

Acme can deliver anything anywhere, except for food to the Arizona desert.

When you have not worn pants all your life you will suddenly become embarrassed if seen without your shirt.

NASA size labs fit easily in a child’s room.

One can determine that the Earth is round by throwing a baseball all the way around it.

Said baseball will return in less than thirty seconds.

Eating a lit stick of dynamite will result in a smoky burp rather than a violent explosion.

Donald and Daffy duck can eat poultry, and it’s not cannibalism. And neither one of them can fly if they fall from a great height.

[ul]
[li]Characters running through solid objects will leave a character-shaped hole in that object.[/li][li]The only equipment you need to escape from the jaws of a hungry lion is a feather or maybe some pepper.[/li][li]Silly music will accompany your every action.[/li][/ul]

If I take off running with enough speed, I’ll leave a smoke silhouette.

ACME products are unsafe to the purchaser

If you’re crossing an area with sleeping dangerous animals, someones bound to throw an alarm clark in the scene.

Well the most handy must be the paint a door/hole/opening and the viola it functions as a door/hole/opening.

Approaching 1000…

Kangaroos are just big rats. Cats don’t notice the difference and go after them.

You only fall if you see below. This was explained in Tiny Toons by Porky Pig. As long as you keep walking and don’t look down once, you are safe.

ACME doesn’t sell bills.

Frogs only sing when there is no one else with you. “Hello my darling, hello my baby…ribbit”

Dogs, rabbits, skunks, coyotes, etc. are really bipeds.

Skunks run faster than cats.

Always treat Droopy with respect.

You can become a opera or orchestra conductor by just wearing a tuxedo(the upper part), gloves, and a white wig.

There is an Elmer Fudd season. I mean, a season to hunt down Elmer Fudds.

Daffy can be as good a trickster as Bugs Bunny, but only when Bugs is not present. When Bugs is present, Duffy becomes stupid.

The Brain said the truth when the said that his new-made country would be confused with a part of Canada or the former USSR by the Americans.

That there is nothing wrong with two teen girls and two teen guys living in a van (with a dumb dog), and that nothing sexual will happen among them. [sub]Scooby-Doo, in its various incarnations[/sub]

That it is perfectly normal for an unmarried male to take in his brother’s or sister’s kids, and for them to live with him. Unless the episode doesn’t need the “nephews” so they just don’t exist. [sub]Mickey Mouse / Morty and Ferdy and Donald / Huey, Dewey, and Louie[/sub]

That chipmunks are sworn enemies of ducks and dogs-that-belong-to-mice [sub]Chip & Dale vs. Donald or Pluto[/sub]

… That if your mom dies from some unknown cause long before you remember, and if your dad is a famous scientist, you can fly all over the world in your own jet and have dangerous exciting adventures with your little East Indian turban-wearing friend who can do cool magic rope tricks; and when you get in trouble your dad’s white-haired yet virile “companion” will save you, because your little pug dog was able to escape and tell him in doggie language where you were!

That if a big mean green guy hears a bunch of little persons, whom he just stole x-mas presents from, singing ~ he’ll become a big softy and return everything.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all the thieves in the world could be worked over that way?

…that Nazi Supermen are Our Superiors

You forgot the proof that the baseball went around the world: It comes back covered in stickers from various countries.

Cartoon Law I:

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of it’s situation.
Example: Wile E. Coyote, Super-Genius, steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, he prods the thin air with his toes, and begins falling.

Cartoon Law II:

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Cartoon Law III:

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a hole matching its outline.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct-pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV:

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is always priceless, and the attempt to catch it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V:

Shock = Antigravity
Any sudden shock to a body, such as a spooky noise, a sharp point applied to a posterior, or a hotfoot, will induce motion upward, often to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground.

Cartoon Law VI:

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This relativistic effect is easily seen in tooth and claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.
There are two leading theories of this phenomenon:
The Many Worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics postulates that several virtual copies appear from parallel universes, and disappear within a time inversely proportional to their mass.
Relativists propose that a single object has its worldline folded over several times, so that in the observer’s frame there can be many objects at any given time, but in the object’s proper frame, there is only one object. This destroys the Newtonian concept of simultaneity.
Theorists also disagree on what the limiting speed is. Some say it is the speed of light, but others claim that it is the frame speed.

Cartoon Law VII:

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances, others cannot.
This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately the problem of art, not science.

Cartoon Law VIII:

A violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Some cats are capable of even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordian-pleated, spindled or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few seconds of blinking self-pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX:

Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Corollary: Somebody will always fall under an anvil befroe it hits the ground.

Cartoon Law X:

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck.
Experimentally disproved by Rob Reid, who hardly ever gets enough revenge. Before you quibble that I may not be a cartoon character, consider that Wile E. never gets the Roadrunner, and Sylvester never gets Tweetybird, even though they richly deserve it.

Cartoon Law XI:

Gravity is transmitted by slow moving waves of large wavelength.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. It’s feet will begin to fall first, causing it’s legs to stretch. As the wave reaches it’s torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume it’s regular proportions until such a time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law XII:
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.