Things I wish I didn't know from experience

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

Mom is not always your friend. Much less does she always know best.

Water striders bite.

If a VP or other corporate officer says the company is “committed” to maintaining your department, start looking for another job.

Tylenol PM may not put you to sleep. It may instead make you insanely restless.

Always keep your thumb out of the path of the saw blade.

Wash your hands before handling earplugs, and discard them if they touch anything other than your clean hands and your ears. Outer ear infections can be more painful than having all your wisdom teeth out at once.

102

Running with scissors isn’t smart. Running downhill while holding a hatchet is just simply begging for it.

A skunk can fire faster than you can dodge…even from 10 feet away.

Betting on sports is a great way to make hundreds of dollars…out of thousands.

103

Now I really want dashfisheroo and Shagnasty to tell some redhead stories.

104

For a long time during art school, my motto was, “I brake for Asian women; I back up six blocks for redheads.”

It didn’t make a difference; I ended up dating a plump blonde Finn. :slight_smile:

105

A newspaper can be a dangerous weapon in the hands of you older sister

-hello btw

106

When the nurse explains not to actually inhale the Astelin nasal spray she really, really meant it.

Related: What happens when you actually inhale Astelin nasal spray.

107

True that.

Undertows are not to be trifled with, the surf is bigger and stronger than I am. Also, the safety flag is flown off to the left of the resorts company flag. It’s important to know which one to watch.

108

I have never done that yet, which would surprise my husband greatly. He thinks that I have done every silly thing that you can possibly do, I suspect. His belief might come from having known me for seven years; you can never be sure.

109

The town-sponsored minibus doesn’t have a foldaway stop sign like the school bus , and acting as though it does can lead to a world of pain.

Don’t spill india ink on the carpet.

Don’t put the iron on the carpet.

Don’t put the hamster down the slide or in the Fisher-Price garage elevator.

If you’ve looked left and seen no traffic, and looked right and waited for the traffic, it’s a good idea to look left again before pulling out.

Losing a loved one young to a disease no one could cure or prevent hurts more than anything in the world.

110

I agree. Astelin tastes like bloody awful, and is not really all that effective if you inhale it.

111

A post hole digger is an excellent way to dig a grave for newborn house pets.

112

OK, so you’ve clearly justified this in your own mind, and that’s fine and dandy. But how does the debauchery of one redhead you dated write off all other redheads? I just don’t get it. If you wouldn’t let this prejudice keep you from hiring a redhead, why would you let it keep you from dating one? Why is this one redhead representative of all redheads in a dating situation, but not in a job hunt? The whole thing is just bizarre and I don’t understand why you would think all redheads act like that.

I will meet you halfway: if you must have an irrational prejudice about a large group of people, better that you refuse to date redheads than that you advocate sending blacks to a Siberian gulag. I guess.

On a similar note, some drinking games are best not played. For example, the one I came up with recently where you watch a soccer game and you take a shot of tequila every time a player takes a shot on goal.

It isn’t, and she’s welcome to say “None of your business! Butt out.” at any time. It just baffles me. I understand why you wouldn’t date guys with nasty teeth or who can’t keep up with you intellectually–but “I can’t date redheads because I found out that one of them is a jackass” doesn’t make sense to me at all. And she claims it wouldn’t affect her hiring practice, but nevertheless I hope she never interviews me for a job–who knows what experiences she might have had with one of “my kind”?

Clearly you’ve never been to California. :smiley:

113

While you are daydreaming about driving that quad around the store the kids you are watching will have already made it 4 aisles down.

If you have a bad feeling on the approach while pole vaulting just toss the pole and take the fault instead.

If she cheats on someone else for you, she will cheat on you eventually.

Taking “a little nap” before finishing work due the next day will always result in you waking up 10 minutes before class.

You can build models for studio if you have gone 3 days with 3 hours of sleep, but you will cut yourself…several times.

If you are too drunk to drive, you are probably too drunk to ride a bike.

Stitches in your ear are significantly more unpleasant than stitches in your head.

If someone tells you that they are not a very strong swimmer they should not go on the black diamond water slides.

Never sit next to a newbie on the ski lift.

When wrestling with small children and large puppies, always cover your nuts.

Healthy teenagers can die in their sleep without warning.

You cannot tear a steel scrubber in half with your hands without cutting yourself.

You really cannot keep anything down if you have food poisoning.

No matter how careful you are at the table saw you can still take a piece of wood to the ribs when that guy you are helping stops paying attention. (of course it hits me and not him)

Never overdraw your account unless you have a check at home to cover it.

No matter how cool the girl is, sex with good friends will mess up some of the people in your circle.

114

Listen to your gut; instincts are there for a reason.

It is a Very Bad Idea to clean the litter box with bleach.

Be really sure that you are turning on the burner that you have actually taken the burner cover off of.

Scorching burner covers do not set off a smoke alarm even if they fill your kitchen with smoke.

Smoke alarms that do not go off when a scorching burner cover fills your kitchen with smoke will, however, sound the instant a 3-millimeter piece of meat broils a bit too much.

Awful people and wretched situations are not just figments of soap opera writers’ imaginations.

All the love in the world isn’t enough to help some people.

115

No, no, no, we send the Jews to the Gulag, the blacks we make into bellhops.

Actually, I don’t think all redheads are like that. I think dating redheads, for me is a really bad idea.

But I do have a problem with your argument. According to you, it is wrong for me to be prejudicial against redheaded men, because of one bad experience. I am generalizing a whole group of people.
Yet, it is fine for nashiitashii to not like men with bad teeth, or suffering from rampant stupidity. Even though she hasn’t had any reason to be prejudicial against them.

So, for me to generalize from past experience is wrong, but for her to generalize randomly is fine? You could make the argument that we’re both wrong, but I can’t see where her prejudices are better than mine.

And of course there is a difference between looking at people for dating, and looking at people for friendship or as employees. It’s a completely different relationship.

116

Mayonnaise expiration dates do not have a six-month grace period. Mayonnaise 6 months past its expiration date tastes a bit like Miracle Whip, and can make you very sick. Always check dates on any item you’re taking from my fridge, my mom’s fridge, or my grandmother’s fridge- we have some genetic thing going on that makes us likely to keep things in the fridge longer than we should.

You can cut yourself very badly while using a butter knife to open a plastic food pouch.

If the toilet is clogged, trying to clear the clog by flushing repeatedly is not a good idea.

117

‘‘My experience from dating a red headed man involved stitches, a personal driver, prostitutes, prison, a black eye, a woman named Frannie, balcony dangling, 9mm’s, paranoid musings about bodies in trash bags in garbage containers, a woman at the DMV, a dean, a couple of strippers, heroin, a litter of cats, a triangle apartment, and one corvette.’’
i think i can help with this one. im a redheaded chick and well this is pretty much right- but we gingers make up for it by being whores :wink: anyway here’s my list

NEVER let a hairless rat out of your sight- he will crawll into the whole in the wall that the one armed- not joking- tile guy left there without you noticing. this will result in you bending over the hole at two in the morning with tongs wrapped in socks trying to get the bastard out.
firecrotch is not an endearing nickname
that pizza WILL burn your mouth
giving yourself a prison tatoo with a needle and india ink is suprisingly not a bad idea- yet
playing through the pain will only lead to surgery
stairs and wet socks=bad
bibles are fun to throw at people’s privates but not fun to have thrown at your privates- bible to the ovaries anyone
check to make sure you hung up the phone-always
at a prep school there are only three kinds of people- preps who love it, ‘‘alternative’’ kids who hate or begrudge it and perppy kids who love it who want to be alternative and claim to hate it
you will always be interested in other peoples business especially if its none of yours

118

There really is no such thing as a mild concussion.

Broken bones can act like barometers decades after they heal.

Gravity is a fast, effective, but somewhat painful way to get from one place to another.

119

Those are a couple things I also learned from experience. I think I also have the genetic predisposition to having expired products. I cleaned out my fridge yesterday, I had yogurt in there that expired a year ago. I had some little tubs of jello that had liquified, how long does it take for jello to go from gel to liquid? I had a few marinated artichokes that had gone from marinated to fermented. I had some green olives that were turning black. I think fridges need to be made longer and skinnier so you can’t shove as much stuff into the back and lose it for over a year.
Another thing I learned from experience. Never use the community mayonaisse jar at work when you have idiot co-workers who often leave stuff out for hours and you can’t be sure that it wasn’t left out for hours and then put back in the fridge by another idiot co-worker.

120

Putting a small pile of gunpowder to fire with a lighter, will take a few seconds. But when the powder ignites, there’s no time young Wakinyan, to pull your hand back, and it will hurt your fingers really really bad when it goes whoosh!