Things in porn that baffle/amuse you

Sailor suits, leather, cheerleader outfits, tight uniforms. Hey, they’re okay. But there’s one thing I could never figure out -

Buck naked people doing it with their shoes on.

Stiletto heels, cowboy boots - I can imagine the turn-on factor for those. But tennis shoes? Hmmm.

All the ugly people with more weight on their chest with than my four obese housecats combined :wink:

Seriously though, the way that they expect people to be turned on by:

Scat

Anything involving a guy… I’m not homophobic, but I’d rather NOT watch one of the few attractive girls I find mate with ANOTHER GUY. I guess I’m just to jealous shrug

Also, anything having ot do with thongs, fishnets, stockings, any kind of ‘hooker clothing’.

When the camera moves away from the action and spends a minute or two on the guy’s face as he makes ridiculous looking expressions of … something.

When a woman engaged in an intimate act spends the entire time looking directly into the camera rather than at the gentleman in question.

Anything involving two girls… I’m not homophobic, but I’d rather NOT watch girls mate with OTHER GIRLS. I guess I’m just too heterosexual. shrug

While the chicks are pretty (most of them), the guys are so ugly (most of them) you wouldn’t want to run into them in a dark alley.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find myself obsessing over the furniture and decoration in the background.

70’s era porn is an especially ripe source of this, all those natural wood sofas upolstered in burlap and denim (can’t have felt nice on those poor girls bums). Textured avacado shag carpeting and natural wood paneling on the walls that gives the set that “Basement made into a rec-room” feel.

I especially like seeing stuff like spider plants in beaded macrome hangers, wicker furniture, those “Gods Eye” yarn and stick things, hooked rug wall-hangings of butterflies and owls, hand-thrown pottery with dried flowers (Christ, it was a “Craftsy” decade wasn’t it?). Gives you a sense of place.

I second the shoes thing. Also, extremely large and misshapen breast implants. Does this turn anyone on?

Extreme Close-up/low-angle shots. I’m not interested in seeing some guy’s asshole and nuts for three straight minutes. (Hint to porn directors: Show the girl, please. That’s why I’m watching it.)

Hardy har har :stuck_out_tongue:

The dialogue

Women who wear shoes. Yes, I know the reason behind porn stars wearing shoes is that the floors on porno sets are dirty and dangerous but damn once you get on the bed take your god damned shoes off and be completely naked before you poke that guy’s eye out with your heel or knock him unconscious with your ‘trendy’ clompy shoes.
(Source being the R.A.M.E faq about shoes.)
As for big ugly guys, who looks at the guys? Pornography is geared towards guys, they want to watch two lesbians munching rug, they’re not going to be looking at sasquatch thumping away like an eager bear, they’re going to watch the girl pretending to get off on that guy’s wang. If you want pretty guys or plot or some romantic mood go rent some ‘erotica’. I’ll bet you end up fast forwarding to the good parts most of the time regardless of one’s orientation or gender.
Plus the ugly guys remain in porn because they can consistently get wood and keep wood which helps keep filming times at a minimum.

More amusing than baffling – I mean I understand the reason behind it is to get to the action – is the immediate response to any come-on.

Scene: kitchen. Plumber comes in, woman shows him the leak. He grabs her ass/tits/whatever and she immediately starts moaning and grinding her hips. She’s totally naked and gobbling his schlong 10 seconds later.

Real-life scene: Plumber comes in, woman shows him the leak. He grabs her ass/tits/whatever. She screams and smacks him with a frying pan, kicks him in the nuts, calls the cops and has him hauled off on a sexual assault charge.

That wouldn’t make a real erotic movie, though, would it?

Facials. Especially if the guy is one of those ‘elephant men’ (what’s grey and comes in quarts?). Really, can that much jizz be good for the complexion?

And spitting. Yuck. Ladies, if you’re not gonna swallow it, at least spit it out off-camera. And gentlemen, I realize that saliva is a natural lubricant, but please be more discreet in its application.

One word : traction.

This is a small thing, but I always wonder about it: really long fingernails on the women. I wonder how much they inadvertently end up stabbing the guys’ balls with them, or another girl’s genitals. I bet those outtakes are interesting…!

Not that I know that much about the subject…

no really…i have only seen a few titles…about 8,000 times…

What’s the deal with the guy giving the girl one quick, and seemingly hard, slap on the ass??

Looks like a mood breaker to me:confused:

Planet Porn: Two women are enjoying a Sapphic interlude. A man barges in.

The women look up and say something like, “A good stiff one is just what we were waiting for. Why don’t you join us, you big stud?”

Planet Earth: Two women are enjoying a Sapphic interlude. A man barges in.

The women look up and say, “GET OUT OF HERE!” Loudly. While throwing things.

thongs aren’t hooker clothing. They’re more comfortable underwear (hey, you’re gonna get a wedgie anyway, might as well have one that only has 1" of fabric)

For me, cum shots are gross. Sorry, but I don’t like to see spooje. (no offense, spooje). Especially on someone’s face. Gah!! Also girls who get too slobbery giving head. Yuck. I don’t want to see a big string of drool between you and your target.

Ugly guys. Yeah like those guys could get those girls.

Inky-,

Your post totally reminded me of the Obscene Interiors site:

http://www.justinspace.com/obscene/oipage1.html

People critique the decor in porn films. Tooo funny.