Things I've learned about myself (thanks to stupid people)

The BBQ Pit
1

I like to think that I can learn something from everybody. I am not an expert in anything, but like to know a little about a lot. In the various places I’ve worked, stupid people have taught me the following things about myself:

I’m gay because:

  1. I don’t like getting rained on. I was going to the post office and took my umbrella. I’d been recovering from a nasty sinus infection and didn’t want to go through the day in wet clothes (the post office is right across the street from work). A cow-orker said, “What? Are you some kinda f**?”

  2. I don’t like “professional” sports.

  3. I don’t drink.

  4. When I was single, I rarely dated.

I’m unpatriotic because:

  1. I don’t have an American flag on my car. I didn’t fly one before 9/11 and I don’t fly one now. (the dickhead who said this didn’t fly one prior either)

  2. I’d like to travel to Australia, New Zealand, Japan, and the UK instead of the Grand Canyon or Hawaii.

I must actually be a Yankee (check my location) because:

  1. I don’t think Lynyrd Skynyrd is the greatest rock band ever. I like some of their stuff, but they certainly aren’t the greatest. I’m more a ELO and Beatles fan.

  2. I don’t like pickup trucks. Don’t need one, don’t want one.

  3. I don’t eat “Southern” food: greens, grits, etc.

  4. I don’t have a discernible accent. Good for me!

  5. I despise NASCAR.
    Thank you, stupid people, for showing me the light.

2

What a terrific post! It busts all kinds of stereotypes!

(But you are missing something tasty if you haven’t tried a cheese grits casserol.;-))

Just remember that the silly people who think you are gay because you use an umbrella – don’t know enough to come in out of the rain…

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  1. I’m “evil” because I’m an atheist.

  2. I’m gay because I don’t hunt and kill animals.

  3. I shouldn’t even be considered an american citizen because I don’t believe in any gods (stupid person= George Bush Sr.)

  4. I’m funding terrorists because I smoke pot occasionally.

  5. I have no self-esteem because my self-esteem is too low.

6.I’m mentally unbalanced just because I carved off my middle toe on my left foot and ate it.

  1. I can’t make a single post without bad humor.
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Steve797: You are warped. You will fit in fine here. Welcome to the boards!

Things I’ve found out about myself:

1: Because I am a vegetarian, I’m going to “starve”. (Hey! LOOK AT ME! I AM NOT STARVING!!!)

2: As a vegetarian, I really can eat fish and chicken. I’m just being contrary when I say I can’t.

3: I want everyone to be vegetarian too, and will try to starve people around me into a vegetable-induced stupor if given a chance.

3: As a native Californian, I always wear loud Hawaiian shirts. (Of course the fact that I don’t own any loud Hawaiin shirts is of no consequence.)

4: People whose entire exposure of California was spending 2 hours at the San Francisco airport know more about California than I do.

4: I am not really “serious” about liking Classical music. Really. I just make that shit up to sound impressive. I don’t really listen to it for pleasure or anything.

5: I am an artist. I can draw and paint pretty well. Naturally, none of this ability came about through hard work and study or anything like that. It wasn’t as if I filled lots of sketchbooks and struggled to learn anatomy and color theory. Oh no. It just all came to me like it was nothing. You see, because I have a “talent”, that means I have to put in exactly zero effort. I just lay back and draw and paint. It’s such a breeze. I chose to study art in college because it was “easy”.

5

Things I learned about flying from stupid people:

:rolleyes: I am a lesbian because I fly airplanes

:rolleyes: I must have fucked my flight instructor and the FAA examiner to get my license, because women just aren’t as capable of flying airplanes as men (whether we’re lesbians or not, I suppose)

:rolleyes: I am a traitor to feminists everywhere because I didn’t make the effort to find a female flight instructor.

:rolleyes: I shouldn’t be allowed to fly because I wear glasses and have hayfever.

:rolleyes: I should stop flying once I hit 30/35/40 some other arbitrary age.

:rolleyes: Even though I am a licensed pilot, I should not be permitted to fly by myself because that’s too dangerous

:rolleyes: I am too short to fly

:rolleyes: A woman should stop flying forever the instant she gets pregnant

:rolleyes: Whether I am permitted to fly or not has nothing to do with my qualifications, skills, or ability to pay for airplane, fuel, and other associated costs but rather on whether or not my husband/boyfriend/father grants me permission or not.

:rolleyes: I am bad citizen for flying - I should give all that money I waste on flying to the poor.

:rolleyes: Unless Jesus is my co-pilot I’m gonna die a horrible death.

:rolleyes: I have suicidal tendencies

6

You’re right! They’re buffoons with these false criteria! Here is the real gay list! It’s mainly for parsing out gay celebrities, but you and your twirling umbrella are just fabulous enough to be to be judged by its criteria.

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I’m a potential murderer because I own firearms.

I’m lazy because I’m fat.

I’m evil because I often hunt and kill my own food, instead of letting someone else do the dirty work and buying pre-killed sanitized meat at the grocery store.

I’m gay because I don’t drink beer or hard liquor.

I’m gay because I like really nice french wines.

I’m gay because I love to cook.

I’m gay because I don’t like baseball, football, soccer, tennis, golf, etc.

I’m a slack-jawed yokel because I like to watch indy racing.

I’m a slack-jawed yokel married to my cousin because I live in Indiana.

I’m crazy because I bought an old house and I’m fixing it up.

I’m wasteful and anti-environmental because I drive an SUV and not a tiny econobox. (This from one of the members of my carpool as he helps me load some of the 500 lbs of tools etc. in my truck)

That’s me. Gay, crazy, lazy, cousin fucking slack-jawed yokel environmentally unfriendly potential murderor.

Deep idioting indeed.

b.

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** I am a lesbian pervert because: **
I live alone.
I do not want to have sex with anyone ever again.
My sister is a lesbian.
I’m into musical theatre.
I have gay friends.
I dress in comfortable clothes and shoes and don’t do anything with my hair or wear make-up.
I often mention the Goddess.
I will not sleep with the person asking (who has usually boosted he can get anybody in the sack).

Since I don’t eat meat, I am unhealthy and starving to death (I’ve taken 6 sick days in ten years).

Since I am not religious and don’t believe in any “god,” I have absolutely no morals (yet everyone agrees I am the most principled person they have met).

9

Hmm. I know someone very much like this… Are you saying she’s NOT gay? Do you think I should I tell her girlfriend? Because she’d be devastated.

:wink:

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I think the girfriend might already be slightly ticked by #2 on Annie’s list!

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These are two that I can really relate to.
Yosemitebabe, I’ve heard you make comments like this (about classical music) many times on the boards, and I know exactly what you mean. Nevertheless, I do wonder if people know how they sound when they make comments about musical tastes of classical fans.
In case there are any of you reading this; stop it, you sound like jerks!

The talented artist bit is an annoying one too. Try that one for size in a workplace enviornment. Season it with a dash of co-worker jealosy. Seems like everybody is jealous, but won’t do the hard work to perfect their artistry. And, as you have stated, it does take effort, motivation, persistence, etc.
I’m not naturally better than you, you fool. I work harder, and have for quite some time. Get motivated yourself. Perfect your skills!

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I’m a moron because I disagree with what some people say.

I’m gay because I’m comfortable with being straight.

I’m stupid because I’m enviromentally consious.

I’m wrong because I’m an atheist.

I’m irresponsible and lazy because I’m not in a rush all the time.

13

My family’s in the mafia because I’m Italian.

Preemptive memo to the dumbnut who will undoubtedly reply to my post saying “Wait, your family’s not in the mob? Are you sure?”: :rolleyes:

14

I’ve learned that there’s something wrong with me for not wanting to have kids. But I should have kids anyway because it will be different when they’re my own.

I’ve also learned that I’m lucky to be working part-time. It has nothing to do with me being unemployed for nearly a year while I looked every damned day for a job that would fit me, and nothing to do with getting paid part-time wages for part-time work. It’s just luck.

15

I have ADHD because:
-my parents let me watch too much tv when I was a kid
-because I’m lazy
-because I want attention and special help

Because I’m on Ritalin, I’m drugged up like a zombie

I’m depressed because I reject God. (Huh? Since when?)

I’m going to Hell because I want to get a job and an education instead of settling down with a good Christian man who I submit to and raise a bunch of kids

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I’m depressed because I wear black all the time. (My mum is a real dumbhead.)

I’m bisexual because I have no morals and want to screw everyone I see.

I’m not religious because I want to be sinful and deny the power of THE ONE TRUE GAWD AND HIS SON JAY-SUS.

I’m going to hell because I’m pro-abortion. I am also stupid since I don’t know that life begins at conception.

I like to cook and clean, therefore I think that women should stay at home and be barefoot and pregnant. (I’ll skip the pregnant part and staying at home, but take the barefoot.)

I only claim Native American ancestry for the benefits. (What benefits, stupid? I’m not getting any money from the government. I don’t want any money.)

17

One night when I was fourteen or fifteen, my then-girlfriend and I discovered the wonders of mutual oral gratification. She of course told her best friend all about it, and word got out and spread like wildfire throughout school.

I quickly became known as the “pussy-eating faggot” among the knuckle-dragging set. I’m sure the rest of my fellow homosexual males will be glad to learn they’ve been getting it wrong the whole time.

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black455, so, you’re male or female?

:confused:

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I’m a man.

I still…

M.

A.

N.

Man!

I suppose I shoulda cleared that up. I’m not even Bi.

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I’m satanic because my parents teach evolution.
I’m a criminal because I think pot should be legalized.
I’m gay because I don’t like rednecks.
I’m smart because I post on this message board.
I’m stupid because I’m not a christian.
I’m rich because my parents are helping to support my wife and I right now.
I’m poor because I’m not making as much as you.