“Wow! This is really neat. How soon do you think we can have another one?”
Man. Now I know how Big Dig workers felt.
“Y’know, after seeing all this, I’m kinda losing my enthusiasm for the whole ‘marriage’ thing. I think we should see other people.”
My husband didn’t actually say this. What he said was, “Your mom’s here - do you want her to come in for a minute?” However, we’d been married long enough that I knew damn well he meant the above, and I told him (through clenched teeth), “No!” What I meant (and he knew it, too) was, “When I can step outside for a break, then you can too, dammit!”
“If I could have the baby for you, I would.”
“Honey, can you quiet down? I’m trying to take a nap, here.”
“Flat on your back, feet in the air, screaming – remind you of anything, baby? (chuckling) Yeah, boy. Good times. Good times.”
“How do I really know this kid is mine?”
“I’m gay!”
“Ok, I got you to the hospital, so I’ll be back sometime later tonight.” (I told him not to bother.)
“You’re doing great honey! Push! Pu-”
<beedahdeedee beedadheedee beedahdee dee deee>
“Ehhh…Sorry, I gotta take this…one sec…”
Ya know, I read that as one of the things you shouldn’t say. And it worked!
You’re all missing the obvious one:
"Take it like a man!"
“If you had smoked crack with me the damn baby wouldn’t be so big.”
Every 20 seconds for the next four hours say “breathe”.
“Hey, the nurse is gone. Wanta have a quickie?”
“Bob and I are heading out to the strip club. Give me a ring on the mobile when your think you’re close.”
“Want some of this bratwurst?”
“Lady OBGYN’s are sexy”
“You’ll shrink back right? RIGHT? RIGHT???”
“Wow. This is sort of like gutting a sheep.”
“I am so going to be gay after seeing that.”
“Just one more push, honey” 27 times :dubious: That was actually from my DOCTOR!
A friend and her husband had learned in their birthing class, that when she was having a particularly difficult moment, he was to tell her to “make circles” (with thumbs and forefingers) Her twins were full term so labor was … intense. (first pregnancy) This was the most even tempered woman I’ve ever know. I don’t think I ever heard her say “damn” in all the time I knew her.
So, shortly after the nurse started a pitocin drip (makes the contractions stronger) she was becoming pretty agitated. (saying a lot of "Oh MY!"s) when he decided to “help.”
Before “make circles, honey” was out of his mouth, with a demonic look on her face she turned and said, between here teeth, “You make F**KING circles!” It was the funniest thing I’ve ever NOT laughed at!
So apparently, “make circles” is a bad thing to say in the labor room.
“Woah, didn’t think you had that much blood in you…”
“Hey, we really need to talk. You know when I was meant to be at that conference last month…”
“Honey, look who’s here. I’ve invited the boys round to take a video for us…”
Damn, that’s one ugly kid.
Hey, that kid looks nothing like me!
Hey doc, this one ain’t done yet. Think you can put it back in for a coupla months?
Does this mean we can try anal now?
Irishmen are not good at coping with this kind of stuff. Really, really bad at it, in fact.
All real things I’ve heard fathers say in the labour ward and delivery room:
“Can you hurry up a bit?”
“Have you had it yet?”
“If you have it in the next hour the pubs will still be open so I can wet its head!”
“C’mon now sweetie, MY mammy didn’t need an epidural when she had me, you can manage with just the gas!”
“Do I have to stay in the room while you actually have the baby? I’m not good with blood.”
Turns out he was telling the truth, I’ve never seen someone faint and vomit simultaneously before.
“Do you have to make that noise?”
“Is she supposed to look like that?”
“Can you not just call me when it’s about to be born?”
“I know you want to call her Anna, but I thought we’d call her after my mother.”
“Phew, that puppy’s sliding right out. Plenty of room there! makes parade music noises with mouth and mimes a slide trombone”
Maybe next time, we’ll have twins!
I sneezed and got slapped for it.
Coffeespouse says my sneezes are scary.
And if that monitor displays the graph thingy from the other birthing rooms, don’t EVER, EVER compare the size of the spikes between hers and the others. And most especially, if her spikes aren’t as tall, don’t say something like “at least your contractions aren’t as bad as the woman’s in room 3”.
Trust me on this.
When she is pushing so hard that she farts, don’t giggle too much.