I can’t help it, every time I hear the Neil Sedaka song Solitaire – no matter who’s singing it, I think that it just has to be about masturbation. I look on Songfacts and read all this noise about how heartfelt it is, and deeply moving and all about some guy locked into his own private world that he can control, at the expense of having any love in his life - and all I hear is some guy that is too geeky to have a woman, so he sits around and plays Solitaire. Solitaire of course being code for a one-handed game, get it?
We just re-did all our Comcast stuff, and now we have every premium channel for a year. I’ve heard the talk, now I’ve seen my first late night Cinemax almost but not quite porn-like movies. Now, I generally like my women to have something between their ears. Cute and stupid does nothing for me unless it’s exceptionally cute, in which case get out of my way, I saw her first. And while there are some positively skanky looking women there, I’ve seen a couple that are in fact - edible. And clearly dumber than bricks, because they’re not playing the dumb chick, they’re trying to play the studio executive or lawyer or something, so you know she really IS that vacant, but regardless of the fact that she’s not my type, I like her and want her right then exactly for her vapidity. I wants me some brainless babes.
At a previous job, I occasionally took a morning break sitting where commuters were getting off the train on their way to work. Literally thousands every morning. In 20 minutes, 4-5 trainloads of them walking by my little perch. I’m a people watcher - almost a pro in fact. I’d play games with myself each day. One day would be Unfortunate Hair day. Another would be I’m a Pompous Ass day, when I’d spot the pompous asses as they went by. But, for some reason my favorite was Did She This Morning? Everyone would file by and I’d try to guess to myself if a woman did or didn’t have herself some morning nookie. Not the men, only the women.
I probably have more reasons that I’m a sick bastard, but I’m getting a little squicky thinking of them. I think I need to go wash off.
My husband and I have this disagreement. He, like you, thinks ‘nookie’ is a pussy equivalent. I, on the other hand, believe nookie simply means ‘to have sex.’
There seems to be an awful lot of talk about how unperverted the OP is, with no one else contributing anything…
So I’ll share this. But it’s not really all that bad, IMO.
More than once, I have expressed my desire for an opposite sex clone*. I thought this would be standard - yes, she would probably look a bit too much like a sister, but she would be willing. She would share my thoughts, my memories, my desires…
But whenever I mention this, people give me the strangest looks. No people, it is not incest. The term is selfcest, and it is closer to masturbation. In fact, it has all the convenience of masturbation, but it is actual sex! Woo!
I’m hard pressed to find someone to agree. It doesn’t help when I point out that Isaac Asimov once wrote a poem on this subject…
So apparantly I am kind of perverted. But I reckon everyone else either wont admit it’d be cool or they lack the imagination to concieve it…**
*force grown clone, so same biological age as me, has all my memories, etc. I don’t wanna wait 18 years, damnit!
**conceiving it, in a literal sense, being something to avoid
An 8 year old more perverted than me? Maybe because I’m at the point now where I look at things I’ve done - it seems like there’s less that interests me that I haven’t already tried.
All of (both) of the threesomes I’ve been have been with sisters. Though technically the second pair more or less switched off. The first two were from China and hardly spoke a word of english. And gave me the clap. And the second pair was for an entire weekend, so points for that too.
Had an ex-teacher of mine the week after graduation.
Golf course at night sex. Check.
Once took the ‘girl with the reputation’ to the drive in for the weekly gathering/party/orgy (I always wondered what the guy that had to pick up trash in the morning thought when he saw all those condoms where we all parked there on the far right, just behind the concessions) where she performed the admirable, and still probably village record 23 hummers. I was # 3 and #13. Imagine that, I paid her way in, I bought the Boone’s Farm, and I was #3. Life is not fair.
Cemetery at night sex. That never felt creepy to us, it was about 100 year old cemetery and just outside the right field fence in our neighborhood ball field.
I actually did the cliche jump off the bedroom balcony holding my shirt and shoes while the husband was driving in the driveway. God I loved Susan.
Sex with the hot chick from the accounting office on her desk on Saturday when we both had to come in, did not pre-plan the meeting, in fact had hardly ever spoken more than hello before.
Spreading out the plastic sheet and do body painting sex. This was also the girl that pulled out the plastic and we did the food sex. Yes, I took the banana.
Me blindfolded and not told which of the six women present was going to come in the room and make me her bitch. That was more fun than I figured it would be. I didn’t see any of them on the way in, or on the way out. I was told to come into the apartment, walk straight to the bedroom while all waited in the other room. The room I was in had a basket for my clothes and a blindfold. When I said ok, someone came in, did some nasty things to me, made me do some nasty things to her, etc… Then she left, I was told when I could go, and walked out the front door. I did it for a college friend on a bet. I was secretly hoping it was her, because Cameron was smoking hot, but mystery lady had bigger breasts.
I kept the blindfold too.
ETA: Not me, I’d make one ugly woman.
This probably doesn’t count as perverted but a woman with nice legs and wearing a skirt. Wow. It could be at the freaking grocery store, masturbation city for me later. Slacks or tight jeans or even shorts, meh. A skirt though? Wowzaa.
I have tried to figure out why I feel this way and so far have come up with no clue.
Ever work in a hospital lab? Because this guy I worked with a few months ago proposed just this scenario one night. I found it an intriguing idea whilst many of our coworkers just stared at us and laughed nervously.
(A male me would be way too emotional though, probably not a good idea.)
