Fingers find, hands good, brain on vacation… Thus my entry for the Things that one should just not do.
Do not try to l aunch an air-powered rocket (kid’s toy) by slamming a bocce ball onto the bladder. Said bocce ball will not have sufficient force to expel all the air from the bladder, and its resulting springback will hit you in the forehead and knock you on your ass.
You will then be lying on the ground as your friends and family are all partying nearby, but with a bunch of kids standing over you saying “uncle/cousin joe, thanks for showing us how NOT to launch the rocket!”
If you’ve just spent a week in the hospital being treated for a brown recluse bite, don’t forget to check your bed when you get home to make sure the little bastard isn’t still living there (it was!) :eek:
I just thought of one.
When opening a packet or a tube, do not continue to apply pressure as you open it, or stuff will squirt out everywhere. I did this this morning with my hair gel, and just now with my soy sauce.
Oh, and don’t put a Pyrex baking pan on a burner on the stove unless you are certain that the burner is not on. If this does happen, don’t try to move the Pyrex pan off the burner- just turn off the burner and let it cool in its own good time. It would probably be best to get out of the kitchen while it cools off.
If your SO is paranoid about burners being on, and about putting things down on top of the stove, s/he probably got that way from experience.
That’s for sure. My 15-pound cat lit into my 120-pound dog, and I jumped in between them. Bad move.
Another for the list: If you’re sharpening the blade from a lawnmower without putting it in a vice, and it slips out of your hand, don’t grab it. I wish I’d just let the cursed thing fall to the ground, but my reflexes made me grab the freshly-sharpened blade.
Never get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. In the dark. And when you’re done not going, do not go back to bed. In the dark. And whatever you do, do not flop lazily and with reckless abandon onto the bed.
This sage advice is doubly true if you’ve forgotten, in the time between when you got up and when you flopped on the bed, that you’d rearranged the furniture just a few hours before.
Do not put a steak under the broiler, and then spontaneously decide to call your best friend who is notorious for talking for 45 minutes straight without interruption.
Not even if your boyfriend is sitting five feet away from the stove, because, trust me, he will not even notice that the house is filling up with smoke.
In that vein, never put creme brelee in the oven, confident that in 75 minutes you will magically remember to take it out, and then call my father, notorious for talking on the phone for up to three hours.
What you get is more brulee than creme.
I’ve been laughing at most of these, but this.
This made my soul jump from my body and go screaming down the hallway.
So far Dad likes ‘Danger Pudding’ more than Dulce de Leche and Cajeta. He says it makes him feel sort of like a British Indiana Jones.
:dubious:
With your FACE?!? What, you were too lazy to unzip your pants and use your penis? :eek:
Note to those who don’t know this yet - irons and stove burners heat up at about 10 times faster than you imagine they do. Best to just not ever touch them.
When I was a lab tech, we learned about the special knives that they use in histotechnology to prepare the ultra-thin slides that pathologists look at. If I recall correctly, they are diamond-edged. That trained me way out of ever trying to catch a falling blade, being told that one of those babies will most likely simply slice off your finger.
(Snicker) I wonder how he would feel if he knew that he is now an international laughing stock!
You just had to remind me, didn’t you?
Many years ago when I went to my step-son’s wedding, we drove my Jeep Sahara (Wrangler) because of a snow storm along the East Coast.
I was 5’3" tall and at that time I weighed 300 pounds.
It was difficult enough getting in and out of that Jeep with the slacks and boots that I usually wore. My legs are short and I’ve never had a lot of legular strength – especially for that much weight. But here I was in high heels and a straight skirt.
Getting loaded up at the hotel really didn’t make me think twice about the problem. We were parked in a discreet place and I just hiked my dress up and clawed my way up as best I could.
It was getting back into the Jeep again at the church in front of everyone after the ceremony that proved to be an embarassment. I vaguely remember the strained red face and clinched jaw of my husband as he part-hoisted, part-willed me back onto that passenger seat. Lord, have mercy. I remember that those white legs hanging out from under that navy dress looked like those white coumns on all the buildings at Peabody College and that my ankles looked bigger than my knees…and so far away.
We came home with carmel apples (mine was rocky road, mmm) from the wharf last night - candy apples are such a rare treat for me - and I put them in the freezer to chill a little before we ate them. We ended up not eating them till next morning, and well, freezing makes apples gross. 
It wasn’t my fault! I asked him to “put the apples in the fridge” and he thought I was referring to the apple drink, apparently. “Oh, already there, don’t worry!”
I was so looking forward to that apple.
And who refers to apple drink as “the apples”? grumble grumble
When arguing with a pregnant woman (a bad idea in the first place), never tell her she has no conception…
(No, not me, I got this from a comic.)
Knives and bean bag chairs don’t mix.
Sure they do! Mix: 1 a (1) : to combine or blend into one mass (2) : to combine with another
Sounds like what happens when you put the two together to me!
The trick is not to try to remove the contents of the woman; as well as saving the effort of finding them the next day, it cuts down on a lot of carpet cleaning.
This thread is positively chock-full of things I’ve done. To wit:
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Put eggs on to boil, then go and take a nap? Check. (Fortunately, the pan was dry but the eggs hadn’t broken yet – but it took two hours to scrub most of the burnt-on residue off the outside of my good stainless steel pan!)
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Stick fingers in front of sharp blade? Check. In my case, a rotary cutter used to cut fabric. Imagine, if you will, a circular Xacto knife blade, free-wheeling, with a handle to roll it along. Then imagine sticking your little finger in front of it. :eek: I was lucky that I only sliced off a sliver of my finger and the edge of the nail; 1/4 off and I’d be missing the tip of my finger.
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Eggs in microwave? Not me, my daughter, but check. She was in third grade at the time, and fortunately didn’t destroy the microwave in the process. But it still took her several years to confess.
[quote]
Originally posted by Anne Neville
If your SO is paranoid about burners being on, and about putting things down on top of the stove, s/he probably got that way from experience.
Would you please explain this to my dear husband? At least once a day I walk in the kitchen and find he’s left something flammable – a paper plate, plastic bags, paper towels – on the stove. I simply cannot persuade him that this is a guaranteed way to end up filing a hefty insurance claim one of these days.
I made this pie for the first time yesterday. Judging by the fact my husband ate half of the pie, it was delicious. 