-
Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess stops them and says “sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.” -
NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. -
Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and
became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to
much–and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. -
2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
the craft, proving the old adage you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. -
A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and
announces “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” -
Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused
to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. -
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the
lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess
tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and
asked them to disperse. He couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer. -
A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian
family and is named “Ahmal” The other is sent to a Spanish family and is
named “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. He replies, “They’re twins for Pete sake!! If you’ve seen
Juan, you’ve see Ahmal!!” -
A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry
payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was
suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked
the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist
went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the
florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went
to the Friars’ shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their
shop, and said that if they didn’t close, he’d be back. Well, totally
terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. -
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad
breath. This made him …what? (This is so bad it’s good…)–a
super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. -
And finally, …there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in
hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun
in ten did!!!
Ha. I kept a jar of “Sweet Gelatinous Mutant Coconut” around the house for amusement for a goodly long time, and then gave it away to someone who became enamoured with it.
I always thought I’d be able to find another jar in some asian foods specialty shop, but it turns out that the same product is usually called “Coconut sport” (synonymous but lacking something that “mutant coconut” has) and it’s not universally promoted as sweet and gelatinous.
Bummer.
It still comes in handy when I need a satisfying ejaculation, though:
“Sweet gelatinous mutant coconut!”
Reply graffiti:
In Oregon the state board of health has passed out stickers for restaurant bathrooms that read:
With a little snip here and there they read
The fact that we are all born naked and most of us get sent back better than we have ever been dressed before!!!
Do you think that God laughs about this?
I kind of hope so.
I still chuckle over the time I was at college and a friend of mine said “Throw me over my cigarettes”.
The cigarettes were on the floor, and he was a fair bit smaller than me, so I was able to comply with his modest request. 
There’s a little asian market in Toledo, Ohio that sells jars of Sweet Gelatinous Mutant Coconut. My friends and I would giggle and snort every time we went in there. I never did understand the "mutant " thing. My thought was perhaps they were grown in the Bikini Atoll. :::shrug:::
Personally, I think calling sweet gelatinous mutant coconut a satisfying ejaculation will never stop being funny. Ever.
I’m with you. I’ve been giggling since I read it, and I just know that it’s going to creep back up on me at the most inconvenient moment of my afternoon.
And the idea of Sweet Gelatinous Mutant Coconut Ejaculate creeping up on me is just about ten times funnier.
Me, er, three.
I hope I don’t think of it at work.
I have proven my own point. 
Somebody in the cubicle behind me said “coconut”, and I broke into hysterical giggles,
You try explaining Sweet Gelatinous Mutant Coconut Ejaculate to a coworker.
For great justice!
My Mom: Walks into the antique store What’s new?
I also have a couple of unusually clumsy cats. Bill will fall off of almost anything, for no apparent reason. We have decided that he has to test gravity at least once a day to make sure it is still working.
Then there is Cricket. As I type this, she is draped across my lap. She will “melt” into my lap to the point that I can only type with one hand because I have to hold her up. If she reaches flowing point before I catch her and flows onto the floor, I am subjected to the “I’ll sit here with my back to you so you know you’ve been bad” with glances over her shoulder to make sure I know I’m being snubbed.
Cats do not like being laughed at. A friends cat (call name: Boo. Formal name: Heathen Buzzbutt the Yowler) will march across the room and nip you if you laugh at her.
Heathen Buzzbutt the Yowler HAHAHA oh man that’s funny. And of course “Sweet Gelatinuous Mutant Coconut!!” as an exclamation[sub]why no officer, i wasn’t deliberately avoiding a certain word[/sub] is priceless. I’m going to use that for the rest of my life.
There is absolutely nothing funnier than a cat that’s just walked into a wall, fallen off a horizontal surface or gone skidding halfway across the room on a rug that the cat thought was attached to the floor–and then the cat tries its darndest to convey the impression of “I *meant *to do that!”
Local variant: PURINA COYOTE CHOW!
Graffiti from the hippie era:
Why change dicks in the middle of a screw? Vote for Nixon in '72.
Nixon, pull out like your daddy should have.
Grown adults (like my girlfriend) having difficulty with opening child-proof lids. It’s doubly funny if it’s something really simple, like a Listerine cap.
Oh!
And adults arguing with children. And losing.
It’s always funny, but it’s especially funny when the kid is winning not through repetition or “why,” but on the merits.
Watching the adult know he’s beaten and trying to avoid “because I said so” or some other variant is to watch unconscious facial contortions of absolute hilarity.