Maybe they got it confused with the “I love you but I don’t like your present behaviour”, widely recommended positive parenting tactic, aimed at seperating the behaviour from the child
I recently read an interview (which I can’t find on the web) with comedian Jonathan Winters http://www.jonathanwinters.com/
that he had a pretty miserable childhood in this way. One poignant tale was that he went off to WWII and stored all his stuff in the attic. He is, and was a collector of baseball cards, tin soldiers, etc.
When he got back from the war, he went to get his stuff, only to find his mother had thrown it all out. He asked her why, and she told him, “We didn’t know if you’d come back”.
“Finish what’s on your plate. Don’t you want to eat more? Don’t leave food…” I can’t stand this, and will say to the child “Eating when you’re not hungry is like going to the bathroom when you don’t have to. It’s stupid.”
And nobody should ever tell a child “You’re stupid. You’re lazy.” People do stupid things and act lazy, but I always criticize the action, not the person.
RandMcNally said, “Now that I think about it, another thing you shouldn’t say to a child is, after they lost at something is, “You did your best.” That’s bad because, since they lost, their best isn’t good enough.”
There’s nothing wrong with that. Frequently, your best ISN’T good enough. No shame in that. You can’t be the best at everything. You will always totally suck at some things. That’s life and being human.
“I hate your father.” -my divorced mother
Um, hi, Mom. I have 23 of his chromosomes, some of his mannerisms, and I’m looking more and more like him each day. Do you want to rethink that one?
I agree with those who say “You did your best” is perfectly acceptable. If your kid likes baseball but isn’t very good at it, “You did your best” is the correct thing to say.
When I was a kid and played sports, I sometimes did my best and failed. My parents would praise me. But if I DIDN’T do my best, my Dad would tell me so. “You didn’t hustle. You have to always hustle, always do your best, you owe it to your team. Don’t go out there unless you’re going to give it a hundred percent.” Win or lose, the message was that I was supposed to work hard at it. It’s a very valuable lesson, because if you keep trying your best, win or lose, you’ll get better at it.
One thing that people say to kids and young people all the goddamned time is “ah, childhood/schooldays are the best days of your life”. Such a fucking stupid thing to say!
I believed them for way too long, and it’s more luck than skill that I actually got old enough to find out they were full of shit and that 18 is a magic number.
Dad: “Stop being angry.”
Me: “I’m not angry.”
Dad: “Yes you are.”
And of course, after he told me “Yes you are” I was angry with him for thinking he knew my mind better than I did, and it was impossible to argue that I wasn’t angry, so he thought he was right all along, which only made me angrier.
People who think childhood was the best years of their life either have really crappy adult lives or really poor memory. Autonomy and self determination are essential.
“I wish your father was dead.” My divorced mother.
“That child is evil… He has evil blood and will turn out just like them.” Mother again, speaking about my dearly beloved half brother, by my dad and stepmum.
“I wish I had a boy. Girls are bitches.” Mother again.
“Your father is a homewrecker. He will soon die and gets what he deserves.” Wow, my mother!
I could go on and on. I forgave her for so much of this (I was 16 years old when my parents divorced) because I do realise that she was hurting more than I could possibly ever know. (My parents had been married for 22 years, together for 25.) What I still resent is that she could never understand that I was hurting too, and the last thing I needed to hear was her badmouthing my father. We had a huge talk about this when I was 19 and she is now the best mother I could ever ask for.
My father was not blameless and perfect, however. Once, after a huge argument with my stepmother, she called my mother a whore and started pushing me around, so I punched her in the face. My father had me arrested for assault, and then he said this to me.
“I don’t want you living with me anymore. You will sabotage any relationships that I try to have. Until you can accept that I love (blank), I do not want to see you again.”
Talk about a kick in the guts. In my 16 year old head, I took this as he was choosing my stepmother over me, and he was. I didn’t speak to my father for almost a year, and he never tried to contact me. We speak now, but we were very close as I was growing up, and our relationship has changed forever. I’m 22 years old now and I still can’t trust him. When I was in the hospital with a burst appendix he didn’t even come to see me.
Please, please, PLEASE, parents out there, never, NEVER use your children as a pawn in divorce games. It will scar them forever and things will never be the same.
(P.S. I must apologize for the long post. This is a subject I feel strongly about. Sorry if I sound preachy!)
Hold up a minute. While the wording may be unfortunate, one piece of advice often given is to assume the child is capable of behaving properly. The idea is that if the child is misbehaving, the message is intended as “You are a better person than is evidenced by your current behavior.”
It’s also sometimes called “As-If” motivation. If a parent acts As If the child is smart, clever, or whatever behavior is to be encouraged, the child may well live up to the expectation. It’s sort of like saying “You can do better than that,” instead of “You really did poorly.” I’ve read accounts of teachers being told that a random collection of school children were underachievers capable of excellence. At the end of the school term all of them had improved more than a control group.
One of my kids was a real handful. One morning she was being especially fractious, disobedient, and so on. Trying to give her a positive image of herself, I told her “You’re just not yourself this morning. I know you can behave better than this. You’re a good girl.” She immediately became quiet and was very well-behaved the rest of the day. At bedtime, she asked me “When I wasn’t myself this morning, who was I?” Unknown to me, the previous evening she had been in the room when someone was watching a TV show on multiple personality disorder!
Well my nicknames growing up were ‘ugly’ and ‘buffalo butt’ So sorry I have to take prednisone dad… It isn’t like I asked for bad kidneys for christmas or anything!
My parents always threatened to send me to ‘St Ann’s’ (It was the orphanage)
One day my father told me to pack and that when he got home he was taking me to St Ann’s. I was no older than 10. I packed. I also wrote my mother a note telling her I was sorry and I loved her and a lot of other heart wrenching things and snuck the note under her pillow so that she would find it since I figured I’d be gone to the orphanage before she got home from work. Well dad came home and spanked the hell out of me and sent me to bed. My mom found the note and started screaming at me about how if I wanted to run away she didn’t *** care! I tried to explain but she told me to shut up and she left.
I also heard a lot about how anything lower than a C is an F to them.
I was also told repeatedly that 'I brought you into this world and I can take you out. I kid you not.
Oh and ‘as long as you live under my roof you are my property’
Oh and I got the ‘you throw like a girl/run like a girl’ too … but I am a girl. My father was deeply disappointed that I was a girl most of the time. He did seem to not mind so much that I was a girl when we were alone though - may there be a special place in hell for him.
“You’d be so pretty if you just lost five pounds”. Yep - with those extra 5 pounds I’m a hideous beast.
Susan
My dad: “People who waste food are evil”
I admit, wasting food is a bad thing; one should start with a small portion…but is it evil to not clean one’s plate? Even if you’re full? Even if you’re trying to lose a few pounds? Sheesh.
FREQUENTLY. Also, I got the “Where is Good Katy? All I see is Bad Katy. When Good Katy gets back, tell her she can have ice cream” all the time.
Slightly off-topic, last night I heard myself tell my son, “Yes, it IS yucky. That’s why we don’t drink out of the firman’s bottom” It made perfect sense in context (dirty bathwater, fireman bath toy with a hollow bottom) but it sounded very odd coming out of my mouth.
When my mom gave me a chore, and I did a half-assed job on it, she’d give me an alternate chore and say “There! See if you can do that right!”
And she wonders why I moved 2000 miles away!
I’ve vowed never to say that choice phrase to my daughter.
Something similiar like this happens. My Dad could run for the title “Greatest Jerk of All Times” (wife beater, drunk driver, lousy loser, money cheater, irresponsible Joe…) and the worse thing my ma could ever said to me is…
“You are exactly like your father!”
or
“I must owe your family a debt in my previous life!”
or
“I wish I never had married your dad!”
To be fair, she only goes off like this when we made her pretty mad.
At any rate, my mum did tell me that my dad was considering to abort me, because he, ah, had the seven year itch back then. She told me not out of malice or anger, but still it isn’t the greatest thing to tell someone.
My father used to tell me that if I ate rice I was stupid. (I’m half Iranian-rice is in 90% of the dinners)
He also chased me around with a butter knife one day screaming “If you hate me so much why don’t you kill me?” It’s rather scary for a 4 year old.
And then there’s “Your mother killed your brother.” (again I was 4) I never had a brother.
So glad I haven’t seen him in 14 years. Hope some one got him some serious help.
GOD!@ dont be so uptight!:rolleyes:
Many years ago the neighbor lady and her 3 year-old daughter stopped by our house. The little girl asked us if we had seen her missing cat. My dad responded matter-of-factly “It probably got hit on the road.” He wasn’t being mean or anything. It was just his best guess as to what happened to her cat. He sure surprised us but I don’t think he caught on to what he said (and I don’t think the girl did either).
I wish I could remember who it was, but some actor who recently became a father stated for the benefit of the international press that he was disappointed that his first child was a girl.
Way to go.