Courtesy of Andy Griffith from his early days:
Would you like a blowjob? Grandad taught me when I was nine.
Not a date per se, just idle conversation with a woman I met while at a bar.
“I hope you don’t mind that I brought along Freddy <pulls out ventriloquist’s dummy and sets him on her knee> because he’s my best friend and I trust his opinion about men.”
(True story from when I was about 16):
“I can’t wait to turn 18. I’m going to quit school and be a stripper”
(Actually, at the time I thought that was pretty hot.)
(Told to me by a friend):
::during dinner the woman’s phone rings - loudly::
“Hello? [pause] Oh, hi mom.”
(Ten minutes later she’s still talking to her mom. Loudly. In the middle of a restaurant. My buddy apparently didn’t ask for a second date)
"I think it’s great that you’re in graduate school…
[blahblahyadda]
…When we’re married, you’ll leave your job and take care of the children, of course."
Because yeah, most people go to graduate school cos the diploma will look pretty in the nursery.
‘oh this is a date?’
Said by me to the nice guy I thought was just being friendly. My gaydar was not great back then.
Otara
“Are you done yet?”
Did you fart? I mean I just did but mine don’t usually smell like that so I’m thinking we both must have farted at the same time.
You complete me!
So… how do you feel about Jesus?
I hope you’re swinging some pipe.
Oh darn! I’ve got to go it’s time for my cam show.
What do you know about Dorrance #5 hooks?
I’ll bet I could take you in a fair fight.
Who wins? Lion or tiger?
Sorry I’m late I had to change all 9 litter boxes.
One of my high school yearbooks featured the pickup line, “I have a van and a gun.” Note that this phrase was not represented as a threat, but an enticement.
“Do you know anything about planes and treadmills?”
If anybody from the Work Furlough program contacts you, this is a business lunch.
Second date (true story, unfortunately): “I did $20,000 of cocaine in the month following my mother’s death.”
Considered running. Didn’t. Bad decision.
So, you gonna pay half the dinner check or put out? Your choice.
“Let me tell you about everyone I ever dated and why they are now my exes.”
True experience:
“Catholics are fucking strange.”
“People who don’t go to horror movies are fucking losers!”
(At the time, I was a Catholic who didn’t go to horror movies. I guess I still don’t go to horror movies.)
Another true one:
“Oh [girl who introduced us] is my dream girl. I ask her out all the time but she always tells me we’re too good of friends to ruin it by dating. Do you think she’s serious?”
“I am really enjoying parole.”
True one, first and only date, from a woman:" I have rape fantasies."
Next:
“I am dating a incarcerated felon I met by means of lonely hearts correspondence.”
True story:
“My soul mate died last year.”
This is one that I should, should, should, should have run away from.
Not that anyone whose love of their life passed away is tainted goods, but anyone who feels the need to share that before dinner has issues.
“I am… Batman.”
You look just like my Dad. Cool.