"What the ?!? This marker is permanent !?!"
In case you’re wondering, VIM and a soft nylon pad can take Sharpie marker off of hardwood floors if you move on it right away…
Mommy, is it bad if smoke is coming up from the basement?
Mommy, did you know dogs *really *like chocolate? Even more than me!
When my son was a toddler, he came strolling into my bedroom one day munching down on a pizza crust. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, I figured his brother must have grabbed it out of the fridge for him.
Then I got to thinking: “Wait a minute, we shouldn’t have left over pizza in the fridge as we haven’t ordered pizza in a long time”. I then asked my son: Show daddy where you got the pizza."
He then proceeds to lead me to the living room couch. He then lifted up a cushion and pointed underneath it! :smack:
My brother gets home one day from school, goes into the kitchen and sees something a bit strange. He calls down to my father in his office, using the same tone one might use for saying “Phone call for you.”
“Dad, the stove’s on fire.”
Around the age of seven, I came into the kitchen from the den. My mom was on the phone. We had this conversation:
“Mama!”
“Just a minute, Dorkness.”
“But mama!”
“I’m on the phone.”
“Okay…
…
…but mama!”
“What IS IT, Dorkness?!”
“The TV’s on fire!”
Hmmm. Fire seems to enter into several of these examples…
“Dad, the dog peed on my pillow.”
Any form of ‘uh-oh’ or ‘oops’.
“I threw up in bed.” One of my personal faves.
*Hey, ma! It looks like Snowflake doesn’t have nine lives after all!
Hey, pop! Ma’s pretty mad about those magazines in your drawer I showed her with all those boobies.*
[On phone, purportedly with with an attorney]:
Attorney: mutter, mutter…
Kid: That’s right, full emancipation.
Attorney: mutter, mutter…
Kid: Put in the motion, “chores are a clear case of cruel and unusual punishment.”
Attorney: mutter, mutter…
Kid: *Yep, $1-million restitution…I want them to bleed. I want the dog, too. *
Mom… Dad… I’m in trouble and I have to get married.
Teen-age girl, in tears: Mom! I just found out. I’m pregnant!
Mom: OH MY GOD! OY VEY! OH THIS IS TERRIBLE! OH THIS IS HORRIBLE! EEEEEEEEEEE! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN??? . . . (blah, blah, blah…) WHO’S THE FATHER???
Girl: How should I know? You never did let me go steady!
"Hey Pop, I sent in that paper that said “Vote for Trump,” that was OK, right?
Another one. According to family lore, I was maybe about four years old:
“Mom, the TV is smoking.” Then I saw what Mom was doing. “Just like you!”
Mom put her cigarette in the ashtray, and called the fire department.
“I think I broke it.”
It’s especially terrifying when they say that to you and you have no idea what they broke.