My boss took one of my co-workers to an apple orchid to pick apples. Does that count? (we’re all male sewer workers)
Santos, not only are you fired but your wife is leaving you for me. She says she needs a “real man”
Santos, the only way that could be worse is if your boss was female.
Um, that didn’t really happen to you did it?
“Colin, umm you can’t leave work, the SAPD have the building quarentined”
wake up.
“Pull my finger.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“What, exactly, would you say you do here at <insert company name>?”
two officespace quotes in one thread? whoa
Ouch! Well, I actually am getting laid off in two weeks but the wife is still with me… for now
Something that was actually said where I work (not to me, thankfully) that resulted in the firing of a supervisor…
“So, if I put a ribbon around my cock, would you remove it with your teeth?”
If said to me, I have no idea what I would do…
All she needs to do is say my name, and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise.
Or she will breeze by my cube, asking if I have a second- as if it’s a question- and would I please come to her office? shudder
Her voice is nails on chalkboard. You never know whether she wants to discuss the color of her sweater or a case that is completely effed up.
I once had a boss say that he had an old friend coming to town and did I know where they could score some hookers. When I asked him why he thought I’d know he said, “You’re young.”
“We need to reduce headcount, but we won’t lay off anyone. We’ll manage via attrition.”
Meaning: “We won’t give anyone a package to leave, so as all the good employees start leaving, our revenue will drop faster than our reductions in salaries. Finally, we’ll tank and our competitors will buy us up for pennies on the dollar.”
“Yes, your options are underwater, but our stock is undervalued.”
Meaning: “Leave now, before we get delisted from the NYSE.”
“We withdrew our lawsuit against them so that we can enter negotiations with them about licensing our patents.”
Meaning: “In eight weeks, I’m going to jump ship and become their CEO, leaving you to hold the bag, you jerks.”
“You’re a great employee, very talented, and have regularly gone above and beyond the call of duty.”
Meaning: “This will soften the blow when we show you the door next week.”
Yes, all of these are real.
How about:
“I’m going to give you the opportunity to excel”
"Come see me when you have a minute, I have a little project for you" Usually means month long project that was due two days ago.
"Your leave is cancelled"“If your brains were as big as your tits you’d be a genius”.
Okay, so I had just hit him with a box I threw, but still.
In a meeting with an upper level manager, I was told the following:
“You’re being reasonable. Stop that.”
Since I get all the jobs my boss doesn’t have a clue how to do…
I’m with Evil Captor with the “We’ve got a problem…” idea…
That and “We need someone to…”
Oooo, sorry. The correct answer is;
“The ribbon or your cock?”
The worst for me was “can I see you in my office” - at 6pm on the friday before New Years weekend a few years ago.
“Say, have you ever performed as a clown? My daughter’s eighth birthday party is coming up this weekend…”
Or, alternatively:
“Say, have you ever performed as a clown? My wife will be out of town this weekend…”
“Some kid took a whiz on the slide…”
or
“The guys toilet is clogged again…”
Both things that I have had told me after I was cornered, and therefore couldn’t run away. At times like that, projectile vomiting as a distractionary measure would have been so useful.
Needless to say, in the latter case, much gagging and dry heaving was involved.