Yea, I know what you mean. It’s almost impossible to keep the Monkees out, isn’t it?
The last thing you want to hear, especially on a Friday afternoon:
“Mandatory company meeting out in the parking lot, in ten minutes.”
Yeah. SOMEONE’S just been laid off, and it’s likely YOU. Make sure you pack up your desk and backup all your personal data beforehand, 'cause they ain’t gonna let you back in without an escort.
This happened at my company, just this last Friday. Luckily for me, it was at the main office, not this one.
We’re still waiting to hear if our project’s still going. gulp
Any announcement beginning with “All off-watch…”
“I want you to take ownership of this.”
Translation = “I’m going to dump this in your lap with absolutely no resources or guidance but I do reserve the right to second-guess you at any time and disapprove it at completion.”
Corporate re-branding
Translation = “We’ve spent hundres of hours in staff time and thousands of dollars on consultants because the CEO wants a flashier name. We’re spending a zillion dollars on communicating our new name. Oh, and the cost of revising the website and reprinting your stationery, business cards, catalogues, and changing the corporate voice mail will come out of your departmental budget.”
“I need to see you in the conference room”
Translation = “Because I need to have a witness from HR there when I cut you and one-third of the people in your department.”
“We have another request from [certain unnamed major tire company whose project was four months of unadulterated hell].”
Strangely enough, this is one of two that I absolutely hate to hear. The other is “The laser welder is down”. I swear those two machines are going to make me have a stroke.
“Um, there’s a leak in the stacks and I know you don’t work at the main library but…”
Uurrgh. Nasty, nasty.
Also, “Yeah, do you still take Japanese?”
There is no possible way that anything following that question will be thinkable for less than minimum wage, in a job you still do out of loyalty.
For me it’s just the opposite. About two weeks ago, I got a call that rolled all this into one call:
The 15 minutes before you leave Death Ring.
Fervent, heartfelt gratitude - Oh am I glad you’re still there!
Jabbering noise of multiple “bridge lines” in the background.
We need to extend the Fed cutoff.
Yup. At about 5:00, a problem was discovered with the Fed and/or our ACH processing. It took them 45 minutes of bridge line conferences and whatnot to decide to extend the cutoff time and call me so I could do it - a process that takes close to ten minutes. Did the 6:00 cutoff get extended? Yes. Was I happy about it? I get paid the same if I’m happy about it or not. Did I leave on time? No.
On a more day-to-day basis, what I hate to hear is a clueless user- “I don’t know if I’m in the right place or not, but…”
And one that’s become a running gag here - “We still haven’t hired a manager for your department.” We’ve been cast loose in a re-org and haven’t had a manager since November. Happily, having a manager is not required to receive a paycheck.
“It’s come to my attention that…”
Manager-ese for “Someone in the office tattled on you.”
Robin
My favorite was a meeting request from my new boss, whom I didn’t much care for, in a job that I was burnt out on.
It came in as “Control Check 3:30 Weds”
What the fuck was a ‘Control Check’? And why was I the only one invited?
And why, when I got to my boss’s office, was the HR representative for our department also there?
Well, that’s because a ‘Control Check’ is an innocuous-sounding meeting whereby managers present, to whichever employee they choose, a choice: Either obey EVERY RULE FOR THE NEXT MONTH, or be terminated at will. Or take a month’s salary and clean out your desk.
And my boss knew my wife was pregnant, but she chose me anyway. I was more than a little happy to hear when she got shit-canned a few months later.
“you remember that patient you decided didn’t need to go to the Emergency Room yesterday?”
“Hi! I know it’s probably a company-wide problem, but I wanted to make sure it’s not just me, but is the server down?” repeat 50 billion times in the space of 30 seconds as everybody in the building sees a merry “server not responding!” message on their screen.
[call from a loud, burly, outdoorsy senior executive at 5:50 on Friday:] “Yeah, I’m atta conference <pound, pound, SLAM!> and dis damn computer ain’t workin’! Geddit fixed!”
“Doctor, I don’t even know where to start.” Doubly so if this is in our Acute Care Clinic, which is supposed to handle discrete problems too acute to wait for one’s regular doctor.
“Oh, one more thing…” Usually said as I’m handing someone the encounter form and leading them out the door.
“Yeah, you gave me that prescription last week, but I couldn’t afford to get it filled.” Only really annoying when the patient has Medicaid, and all prescriptions are $3. Even moreso when it’s for something like, say, insulin.
“Allergies: aspirin, tylenol, ibuprofen.” I’m trying to make this sign an eponym with my name on it; it’s a great predictor of Drug-Seeking Nutjob behavior.
“Michelle is looking for you.” Michelle is our triage nurse, so it’s her job to filter all the pains in the ass to the appropriate doc. If she’s looking for you, there’s a pain in your ass with your name on it.
“Are you guys capped?” From the ER doctors. Meaning: I’ve got a big steaming pile of a patient down here that I’m sick of fooling with. You guys admit him and take him off my hands.
Keeping the Monkees out is easy. But Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits is another story.
Don’t forget the additional toradol and imitrex allergies! 
Hijack
Don’t paint with too wide a brush. My wife, the medical train wreck, is alergic to tylenol. [hives and the whole nine yards]
And to Oxycotin. [ditto]
And she is on Warfin. [Satan’s anticoagulent]
There isn’t much left, is there?
Morephine and Demerol are about the only two things the white coats have been able to come up with.
end hijack
From co-worker whom you’ve just pointed out is blatantly ignoring corporate SOP: “I don’t get what the big deal is.” (for the millionth time over the millionth neglect of SOP) :mad:
- or “I don’t know what’s wrong with my till, but I’m off by $138.66.”
From customer: “I’m on the Atkins diet…” (Please just shoot me now.)
-
and “Do you have any no-carb pastries?” :smack:
-
and “I can’t remember my [extremely complicated] drink. Do you know what I get?” :wally
-
and (on phone) "Do you know where [some obscure business or street] is? (Do you remember me saying “Operator” when I answered the phone? I didn’t think so.)
From boss: “Can you work next…?” (sigh "Sure, why not. It’s not like I have a life or anything.)
“Putz called. He said the catalog is full of mistakes.”
Putz is a creative director in charge of the projects that his company subcontracts to our company. His “full of mistakes” is typically: 1-2 mistakes on our part, 5-10 mistakes based on our not having information that he’s been sitting on, and 10-20 “style changes” based either on his personal whim, or the whim of some unknown salesman from the client company, either of which may be a complete reversal of an earlier “style change.”
Putz loves to call up and demand that we drop everything and walk over to his office (two blocks away) for another meeting. The only thing he likes better is scheduling meetings for 9pm.
But what Putz loves most of all is saying “this all looks great” for three weeks, then suddenly telling us “this all needs to be re-written” the day before it goes to the printer. Translation: he’s been sitting on it the entire time and forgot to tell us about some new client request that came up along the way.
“I’ve got an add-on I need you to do.”
I drive a cabulance. It’s a van converted for wheelchair passengers. My job for the company is to transport people from Harborview Hospital (basically, the county hospital in Seattle) from their clinic appointments, or hospital stays to their various homes. I do a lot of rides per day from Harborview, which my company contracted with them to have two drivers available from 10am-6pm, five days a week.
On any given day, there are at least eight other drivers available to pick up these “ASAP” rides.
Every one of my rides from Harborview is “ASAP,” so I have to tell the dispatcher that I’m not available. Contract with Harborview, you know?
They argue with me about how much time I have :rolleyes: I’m pretty lucky if I get anything like a break during a 10-11hr day (I do regular “non-Harborview” rides for the company on most days before reporting in), and I’m pretty unwilling to hash my time with my wife and kids because someone at the office can’t be bothered to look at the schedule before accepting an extra ride.
…not to mention the hassle of two offices climbing my back.
We need you to be a team player and do this…
Suggesting that if I do not do the stupid bull shit that just came out of your mouth and that you are to lazy to take care of, that I am not a team player! :wally
I had this great idea for you…
Yeah, I am sure that I’d agree! :smack: