Things you probably won't ever get to say to them.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
161

Bruno:

It’s been twenty-five years, and I just wanted to clear something up.

Back when you came to my house and asked me if there was a problem between us, after you, my best friend since third grade, stole my first girlfriend from me? I said that we were okay, and that it didn’t bother me.

I lied.

Nobody has ever hurt me as badly as you did. I didn’t know before that happened that my best friends could completely destroy my life and balance. I know better now. Thanks a whole freaking goddamn lot.

162

JK:
I love you more than I thought was humanly possible, and I know you love me just as much.

Hannah:
I’m glad we aren’t friends anymore, you nasty smoking fatass.

Comet:
I miss you, bird. I’m sorry I gave you to Hannah when we were still friends. I hope you have a clean cage and fresh water.

All my true friends:
Thanks for being there for me whenever I need you (and sometimes when I don’t!)

JM:
Thanks for showing me that country music is the best kind of music.

Uncle K:
I still think about you and how much fun I had going to the beach with you. Cancer took you too early, and I wish that I didn’t have to see you deteriorate.

163

Wow, beautiful thread, jarbabyj. Thanks!

Peggy: Dammit, why didn’t you TELL me I was making a mistake? Why, why, WHYYYY?? But you did. You warned me and warned me, and I didn’t listen. Why not? I was too pigheaded, too sure that I was doing the right thing, that I’d be happy. I’m not. I wish I’d listened to you. You saved my ass, Peggy, by making me slow down a little bit, if nothing else. But I wish you’d made me stop. I wish I’d known then what I know now. Why did I think I knew what I was getting into better than you did? Well, probably because I’m a dumbass. Anyway, thanks for doing what you could to keep me from making the Biggest Mistake Ever. Too bad I made it anyway.

164

To R- thank you for showing your true colors I wish I had known many years ago that it took so little. You are right we are different. And it saddens me that we don’t talk, although I forgive you, I wont forget, keeping my cards is not a way to hold onto me. You chose. Deal with it. To D- please stop calling me, as I have explained to you it is not my job to verify whether r is lying to you. I went away for work and he decided to sleep with you. Maybe he will be faithful to you. But please stop calling. To R- a yup talk to you soon holds new meaning for me now. Thank you. No really. To A- I miss our friendship and I lurk around just so that I can indirectly talk to you even though you forgot. You’ve gotten meaner though, what happened? To T- Hi we haven’t met, you’ve seen my picture and I’m told you refer to me as hot lips. Thank you for changing the course of my life. I don’t blame you, you did cry a lot and complain about the woes of being you. Good luck now and be happy. To C- I forgive you for bringing me though your roller coaster of conflict and tortured soul. Maybe you can forgive yourself and accept your choices. You’ve made someone really happy. As you said a long time ago, see you next lifetime, as if. Hush rao ab jao. To that guy- what can I say, I drool over you. I don’t even know why well I do but it is a je ne sai quois. You don’t even know I exist. Oh well such is life. Maybe one day I will get the courage to step up and ask you out. Dear M&M- I miss you guys so much, hopefully I will see you one day soon, but you live so far. Dear M- I care for you when you are sick, you barked in your sleep. I hope you live a few more years. I love you. Dear M- thank you for the valuable life lesson and the book.

165

To Dad
All my life we never clicked, except those last 6 months. We finally accpeted each other for who we were and loved each other as a father/son really should. I am just glad sis and i got to say our final farewells that day, though i knew something was wrong when you didn’t say goodbye in the usual way. I felt cheated that i lost you when i finally had you…it was so godamn wrong and i am not sure if it will ever be right.
All i can do is live life and hope you are up there, proud of me in my life

166

** to Jeannie, whether she sees this or not: **
Jeannie, thank you, thank you, thank you for people like you. I have an older brother who is 36 and still lives at home with my parents because they’re too afraid to put him in a group home. The time is coming when that will have to happen, though, because they are both older and often the sheer endurance and muscle involved at times is close to being beyond them. Thank you for people like you, who try their damn best. We all bless our children’s innocence every day, yet so many don’t know how to handle that same mind-set in an adult body - but in a lot of ways my brother has been both a gift, a lesson and yes, sometimes a burden. Thank you, Jeannie!

167

To Andralee: You hateful, spiteful, fake, psychotic B****! Why, why, why, WHY, WHY??!! The only answer I can come up with for what you did to me originally is that you were feeling so bad that you had done something stupid that you just had to blame someone, and I was the only one around, no matter how irrational that blame was. The fact that you were drunk off your a** probably helped since you have such a lovely history of forgetting what you do when you’re drunk. Must’ve been easier for you that way, putting the blame on me and making me look like the evil one. That way you could feel victimized by your best friend instead of a total stranger, which probably helped make you feel a little less powerless about the whole situation. A clue for you: if you didn’t want to feel powerless, you shouldn’t have kept drinking all that damn beer even when I told you it was time to stop.
And then for the second blow. I can’t find a reason for that one at all. I guess being best friends for all those years didn’t really mean too much to you, did it? How, HOW IN THE HELL could you just suddenly give up our friendship? I was away that summer and then when I came back it was like we suddenly weren’t friends anymore, but of course you, being sweet understanding kind you, were still being polite. Yeah, right. WHAT THE F***? Of course since I’d been away I hadn’t even heard yet about how you spewed all those lies out that night at the party to our friends. Why was it so easy for you to just forget about our friendship? I guess cause if you hadn’t, you would’ve had to look back over what really happened and been faced with the truth. And in your case the truth was just too painful to bear, eh. But, still, WHAT THE HELL? You crazy freak. Normal people don’t do that. If you would just APPOLOGIZE, maybe we’d be able to at least talk again. But you just can’t do that can you. Crazy scum. Actions like that make you less than human.

I had more and now I feel so crappy after getting that one out I can’t continue.

168

Mum-
You did the best job you knew how to do and don’t ever let anyone tell you it was not good enough. I love you.

Dad-
Don’t blame other people for the way your life turned out. Will you ever realise that maybe it was your fault?
All those years… no one stopped you from knowing me, so please stop blaming mum. You could have been my father if you had tried, but you didn’t and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to love you.

Andrew-
You’ll never know how much you have affected me and the pain you have inflicted on our family. Mum loved you and fully accepted you, so why were you too ashamed to let her into your life?
The last thing you said to me was about you not being what i wanted you to be…
How hard would it have been for you to just accept me? All I ever needed you to be was a father… that should have come naturally to you.
You’re gone now and we are all much happier…
I just wonder if you’ll ever open your eyes. :frowning:

Riss-
You’re not my best friend.
You’re the sister I never had. Nothing can ever tear us apart.

T-
I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. You’re always there when I need you. Just remember I’ll be here if you ever need me. You’re a good friend although you should hate me for always being so mean to you and slapping you :stuck_out_tongue:
You will be happy one day… I’ll make sure of it.

M-
I loved you and I am so glad to see that you are happy now. Though sometimes I get sad that we have hardly seen each other in this past year.
You are one of the coolest people in the world and I’ll always be thankful that I have known you.
You’ll never know how much you mean to me.

A-
There are so many things that I have never said to you… I have so many regrets.
You have no idea how amazing you are. You deserve all the happiness in the world… I’m just so deeply sorry that I couldn’t be happy with myself, let alone make you happy.
You deserved so much more than I could give you… and for that I am so so sorry.
I needed you more than I loved you. I wish I had the sense to realise that sooner sigh I wish I could have had another chance… but I left it til too late. I’ll always regret that.
I know that one day you will find a girl who’ll make you happy and when you do, I hope that I will still be your friend.
Please don’t ever stop smiling… you have a beautiful smile.
And don’t ever doubt that you mean the world to the people who love you.
oops! I’m starting to ramble again…

169

All bad stuff, but only because I can usually say the good stuff out loud…

To P: Get some help. Join a support group. Realize that cluttering, hoarding, avoidance, and denial are neither normal nor healthy. The house is deteriorating by the day, and so are you. It’s affecting your relationships. Clean it up so you can hire someone to come over and look after your depressed, lonely mom. And for pity’s sake, take a vacation. You haven’t had one in two years, and it shows. And learn how to say NO to people even when they pressure you. If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

To A: You’re a total snob.

To C:: Stop complaining that your kids are ungrateful and lazy. How could they be anything else, when they’ve been overindulged and catered to since they were born? They have everything and that’s why they appreciate nothing. Get it?
And you do NOT need to pack nearly 20 pieces of luggage for a trip that will last only a couple of nights.

To a certain college czar: I’m counting down the days until you retire. That is, unless someone takes you out first. Don’t think for a minute that I’ve forgotten what you’ve done to me and mine. You care more about your expensive junkets than you do about students, faculty, staff or education in general. I wish you were dead and I then I feel disgusted for having such thoughts. I often think about throwing your ass down the stairs of the admin. bldg., and the only reason I haven’t is that it’s illegal.

170

To the girl I met in El Salvador…
Even though I barely know you and will probably never see you again, you just might be the most beautiful thing I’ve seen yet. I hope by some sort of strange fate, I get to see you again.

171

**To Myself **

Learn to let go of the anger and smite or it will consume you.

oh

exercizing more would be beneficial overall.

172

To the 2 year old girl in the surgeon’s waiting room with a tracheotomy:

You broke my heart when I saw you. At first, I didn’t know what was wrong, but you had the saddest look I’ve ever seen on a child face. No child should ever be as sad as you. In the couple of hours we were in the waiting room together, you barely smiled. But you didn’t fuss or cry. I couldn’t take my eyes off you and wished I could just pick you up and cuddle you and make it all go away. Even while hugging your Eyore doll–a toy which was sadly appropriate–that look on your face was still there. Your mother sat behind your stroller the whole time, while your sadness made me want to cry–it still does, three weeks later.

I hope you find sunny days in your life. I hope your mother will turn your stroller around and see your face and realize there is a very sad little soul behind it.

173

Peter: I hope your life’s going well, and that you’re as happy as you deserve to be… I think of you often. We were both so busy; you were about to embark on a career, I was starting college - we’d have drifted apart. But the time we spent together was wonderful - I hope you think fondly of me, too. I fully expect you to become a great and famous movie director, and when you do, I’ll be so proud of you.

Jon: God, I loved you so much. You were so patient, even when I would start sobbing for no reason. I know you loved me. It took me a really long time to get over you, you know. A really long time for me to stop kicking myself 'cause I kept putting you off - I thought you wanted to be exclusive and I just wasn’t ready. A stupid misunderstanding. I wish we’d had a couple more months together.

I’m sorry if I scared you off, but I’m not gonna take back what I said: I wanted to marry you, eventually. And I wish that you hadn’t gotten married and divorced so young, so that you were already f**cked up by the time I met you, already saying that you never wanted to wed again.

I wish we’d stayed in touch… Or, I wish you’d wanted to, or could have, or whatever. But whatever. I just hope that you’re happy now. And throw out those ridiculous boxer shorts! :slight_smile:

174

Wese & Grandma - Austin is lovely. I wish you both had the chance to know him. He’s 7 now and full of life and energy and boyish mischeif and charm. I miss you both so much, so much more than I can ever say. When my childhood world fell apart, you were both there to make it all better. When my adult one falls apart, my first thought is always, “I want Wese.” or “I want Grandma.” I love you. I always will love you. With you both went a piece of my heart.

Grandaddy - I love you, silly, eccentric old man that you are. Everybody needs a cheerleader, and you’ve always been mine. You’re the most unique, interesting person I’ve ever known. Did I mention I love you?

Daddy - It’s not my fault we don’t talk. I’m not taking responsibility for your childishness anymore. I miss you, but really, I can live without you at the end of the day, and you’ll be poorer for missing your grandson growing up. Or will you be? After all, you seem fine and you missed me growing up.

Mom - get over it, please. I’m moving to Australia and that’s that. I love him, that’s why. Austin is taken care of - by both parents. Just because you screwed up your myriad of divorces doesn’t mean we’re going to screw up ours. Lots of parents split custody over long distances. Lots of couples divorce without hatred. Then again, since you don’t seem to be capable of that, perhaps you’ll never understand. But remember - you’re the one that moved me 3000 miles away from my family and didn’t let my father see me for years on end. That was you, not me. Get over it. Please.

Aime - I’m so very glad we’re talking again. When you married Eric, I thought - honestly thought - he’d kill you. He’d hurt you before, you know. Now that you’ve seen him for what he is, I’m so very, very proud of you. Mew!! You’re my very best friend in all the whole world over. I love you!!

Gretchen - I’m glad you’re getting help. Keep getting it. Keep fighting. If you kill yourself, the world will be a bleak, uninteresting place, and so many people would be devastated. I can’t do it for you. I can only cheer you on while you do it yourself. I’d miss you if you were gone, and I love you cause you’re my friend. So don’t stop now. Please, please, please - don’t ever stop fighting.

Chris - I saved you for last. I loved you so much back then. Some part of me still loves you today. In another time and place, maybe…but for us it was just destined not to be. I’m glad you hunted me down when you lost your mom, even though we hadn’t spoken in years, because you knew I cared about her. And we haven’t spoken since, though not a week goes by that I don’t wonder how you are. You changed my whole life, and after a distance of years, I can see that my time with you changed it for the better. It hurt so much breaking up back then, but now that all these years are under the bridge I can see that it had to happen. I hope you are well, I hope you are happy. I hope you know that somewhere, someone loves you very much and always will. BS&T, “YMMSVH”

Grace

175

To Nana: I hope that now that Pop is gone, you can have a life. Enjoy yourself, and make yourself happy for however many years you have left…you’ve had in many respects a very hard life. You are a kind person who lets other people take advantage of her, and you shouldn’t. Think about yourself for a change, and find joy and peace.

To K.: I miss the friendship we had when we were little, before you went off ahead of me to the new school. By all accounts, you grew up to be a proud, intelligent, strong, talented woman with huge reserves of inner strength. Maybe I’m weak, but after your dad killed your mom and left you to take care of your younger siblings, I just didn’t know what to say to you after all those years of non-contact. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about you all the time.

To I.R.: you are a selfish, mean, spiteful jerk who thinks he’s the center of the universe. And the saddest part is that you have no clue. It’s taken me more than 2 years to regain most of my self-esteem. God help your poor girlfriend.

To Nazim: why couldn’t you have summoned the strength to break up with me, rather than abandoning me and leaving it to your cousin to tell me what had happened? More than 10 years later, and you are still very much an open book. I loved you more than anything, even though it made no sense, and I still have dreams about you. I realize I may never know what really happened to you, and that is supremely cowardly on your part.

To Kerim: I wish we’d had the time to get to know each other better. In the meantime, though, I hope you can find someone who understands you, even though it may be difficult living where you are. A letter sure would be nice, though!

To D. #2: I hope you get your head together. I hope you know what you’re doing. OK, I still harbor the hope that you will realize in a little while that you’re currently making a mistake, but will get over it, and we’ll have a real shot at it…we could be so great together if your head were in the right place! I hope my friend H. is right about your current relationship being “rebound girl;” not that I bear her any ill will…but I wish we could have a real shot at it with each other. I feel so helpless right now, though, to do anything about it. Maybe it’s just a good lesson in my own inability to force intimacy.

To my sister: your life doesn’t suck because people are oppressing you; it sucks because you let men take advantage of your neediness. And if you think your current guy, such as he is, will ever be able to make you happy, you’re delusional. Unfortunately, your self-destructive bahvior has sucked out pof me every ounce of energy that I might have been able to use to provide you with any perspective on the subject.

To Mom: I love you, but why can’t you accept that I’m an adult? And why can’t you be reliable? It drives me bonkers.

176

Lois
I’m really, really sorry. I hope you know that I was thinking of you and missing you an awful lot even though I never told you. I know you thought of me. I was just so scared. Maybe you knew why, maybe not. Anyway… I’m sorry and I love you.
G
Just. Shut. The. Frick. Up. and do your stinking job for a change.

177

To C: I am so sorry. If I hadn’t had to work that day, you probably wouldn’t have died. I am so sorry, and I hope where ever you are you have found happiness, and an easier time than you had in this place. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am that I couldn’t have helped you more. I hope you have found your sister S, and she brings you comfort.

178

Matt: Stop mind-fucking yourself. Kat is a sweet girl. If I was emotionally OK at the time I dated her, I would have hooked up with her. You were lucky to have her attention and to have had a relationship with her. I told you she was a free spirit from the get-go. She isn’t hurting you. You are hurting yourself. It’s been over longer than it was going on; let it go already. If you only date Uber-gorgeous women, you’re cutting yourself out of 90-some-odd% of the women in the world. Don’t limit yourself like that!!! Get out & LIVE!!!

Sherrie: You were my first and I will always care about you. You were definitely the best woman in my life; intelligent, sweet, loving, gorgeous. I wish I had been more mature & less messed up from my childhood & drugs when we were together. I’ll never have another woman as wonderful as you in my life; there just aren’t that many in the world! I wish you all the happiness this universe has to offer!

Terry: Thank-you for taking me in when I was crazy from all the bad acid trips! Thank-you for having confidence in me until I could have confidence in myself! I love you, brother!

Jess: Good god, man, get your shit together. I can’t afford to carry you! I love you man, but you gotta pay your rent NOW! I really want to help you, but give me an excuse not to throw yer ass out of my house!

My adopted Parents: I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. words cannot express how grateful I am to you for taking me in when I was a teenager. I know we haven’t seen eye-to-eye on the religion issues, but you know that I love you and appreciate all you have done for me. And thanx for the name!

Glorea You are the Mother-in-Law from HELL!! I know you don’t see it, but you ruined your daughter’s marriage. I could have told you to get out of my house, but that would have ruined my marriage too. If you won’t live your own life and continue leeching off her, you’re going to keep her from enjoying her life as long as you live.

Diana, Love of my life, the only woman I’ve ever married. Please let your mom go. It’s too late for us, but you could have a good marriage to a good man if you would put your husband before your mother in your heart. If it weren’t for that, we would still be together.

Linda: You were the wicked step-mother. You ran 3 childred out of their father’s life. How does that make you feel? I have finally healed from your abuse. I finally have confidence around women, in spite of all the horrible things you did to me. I wish you no happiness or joy. May you live the life you gave to 3 little children so many years ago.

father, you were weak. You taught me to be weak. You never taught me to stand up to anyone for myself. I have learned that in spite of you. You were a shame-based life form and taught me to be one too. Remember what you said to your father on his death bed? How you told him to go to hell? I won’t do that to you. I’m a better man than that. When you die, go have a good journey.

Ben: Oh, man. I loved you. I wish you would have called me instead of going back out & doing heroin. When I heard that you died, I felt nothing. Later, I felt overwhelming sadness at the waste of such a beautiful, intelligent, loving person. You could have been a very strong person if you had let us help you. Have a good journey, my friend. I will see you when I get there and we will chase hotties in the happy hunting ground!

Now I’m crying at work and Karl is loking at me funny.

179

A$$hole! Get the F* outta the way!**

<continued driving>

Oh, great! So you like to drive with your turn signal on? I liked how you did that for two blocks while driving on the shoulder. Oh yeah, good one. Not this street either huh? Maybe the next one.Enough already! Are you driving on the DN road or aren’t you?

<continued dri-…wow! Check out that chick’s mind!..-ving>
Yes, you buddy! Well GO ferchrissakes, you got the right o’way!
JEEEZ!

<continued driving>

Oh, aren’t you a treasure!

<continued driving>

It’s the pedal on the right you dingbat!

<continued driving>

Don’t even think about it pal.

180

To my husband’s family: You are a wonderful bunch of people together. Individually, you are each amazing in your own way. On top of that, we can always count on you when we need a little help. I feel very lucky to be part of your lives.

To the girl I saw in the car next to me in traffic, being hit by her SO: I pray you get the strength to run far, far away from that loser. Stay safe, sweetie.