Things you shouldn't do at your wife's family reunion

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Do not:

  1.         Punch the largest person in the face, and then proclaim yourself “the alpha-male."
  2. Start a cock-fight. Not with birds, either.
  3. Fall over and play dead whenever a conversation becomes too boring.
  4. Offer to show the group how you can pop open a beer bottle with your butt cheeks.
  5. Refer to your children as “fuck trophies.”

Feel free to add some more.

2
  1. Hit on her cousin. Double if it’s a male.
  2. Act surprised at meeting her grandmother. Say you’re surprised that she’s still alive.
  3. Spontaniously break-out in a “I’m better than you” song.
3
  1. Hit on her cousin. Double if it’s a male.
  2. Act surprised at meeting her grandmother. Say you’re surprised that she’s still alive.
  3. Spontaniously break-out in a “I’m better than you” song.
4

On one hand, I am pissed at myself for the double post. On the other, I’m proud at my level of patheticy (Yes that’s a word. Okay, no, but you know what I mean) at having a double post ten minutes apart.

5

My very first thought was…

Ask for a divorce.

The second was…

Hit on her father.

6
  1. Pry for juicy details of her pre-married life.
  2. Especially not by offering juicy details of her married life in exchange.
  3. Eat or drink anything out of anyone’s body parts or clothing.
7
  1. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
8

Take an informal poll of how many cousins felt her up in the garage during reunions when they were teens.

Take an informal poll of how many cousins felt her up in the garage during * this * reunion.
9

“Nice to finally meet you, sir! Your granddaughter is quite the squirter!”

10

… or make comparisons between it and the turkey baster.

  1. Walk in the kitchen and say “Gawd, who shit?”
11
  1. Use mashed potatoes to do your world-famous dick imitation.
12

  1. Rip a cheek flapper during the prayer over dinner.

  2. Refer to your wife only as “the bitch.”

  3. Cop a feel from her mother.

  4. Take a dump in the toilet tank and replace the lid.

13

While you have her grandmother, parents, and preferably brothers, tell about that one time you and her were in this threesome when the cops busted the place for you illegal brewery and meth lab. And while laughing, explain how, in order for the police not to find the heroin, you had your wife hide it up her rectum.

Oh, and you can’t forget to tell about that time your wife caught you having sex with a 17 year old boy after she excaped from being tied up in the basement.

See, the family would be so happy to see you have such a good sense of humour.

At every moment, turn every conversation into a political discussion, where, before long, you call the family member a card-carrying commie who masterbates to pictures of Osama Bin Laden. Then compare either Bush or Clinton to Hitler.

14

  1. Ask her adorable 10-year old nephew to come into the bedroom with you so you can show him something really neat.

  2. Casually mention that since she started getting waxed, it really shows off her tattoo.

  3. After her parents show on the home movies of when they were at the beach when she was seven, offer to show the video of your wedding night.

15

And whenever you need to summon her, just clapp your hands twice.

16

  1. Offer to present a pyrotechnic display, armed with a can of beans and a lighter.

  2. Each time you feel the urge to defecate, do not announce that you have to “pinch off a loaf/drop a log/have to shit like a motherfucker.” Simply saying that you are going to “take a dump” is fine.

17

  1. Dress in drag.

  2. Ask your wife for a divorce. In front of her parents.

  3. Casually reference how many things you learned that night you spent in prison after being taken in for drunk and disorderly was…

18
  1. Bring the girlfriend.
  2. Bring the boyfriend
19

34: Grab the mail when it arrives and get all giddy when there’s a Netflix envelope in the pile.

20
  1. Yell “Let’s wet down the wives’ T-shirts and rate their hooters!”

I must confess I stole this from the Bundys, although it was Peg who said it and Al gave (for Al) a sweet compliment in return: “You’d win!”

dammit, wouldn’t she?