- Fail to find a good enough excuse to avoid showing up at all.
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Interrupt the kids’ viewing of Finding Nemo so you can pop in your new copy of Anal Invaders 27.
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Invite your wife’s 13 year old niece to watch it with you.
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Make her go get you a towel and a beer after you’ve finished up.
- Jump up on the dinner table, whip it out, and yell, “I’m masturbating like a motherf**ker!” Who’s with me?
Finish off every one of Grandma Meema’s sentences for her with “…in a pig’s ass!”
This really happened, but it was a guy my wife dated before we had met…
Recite the following to her very conservative/fundamentalist family:
"What’s white and creamy and falls from the sky?
The Coming of the Lord."
Real life adventure: Tell your staunchly Methodist mother-in-law the really hilarious juke about why Methodists don’t engage in copulation in an upright position. This will result in three days of cold silence from mama-in-law, big trouble for father-in-law who made the mistake of laughing, and no loving for your truly for an unfortunately long time.
Punch line: they are afraid someone will see them and think they’re dancing.
Obviously, “joke” not “juke.”
Tell everybody you met your wife after your NAMBLA meeting.
Tell everybody you met your wife after your NAMBLA meeting.
Offer to explain when one of her young nephews asks what NAMBLA is.
Ummm, Methodists are allowed to dance, in case you didn’t know. Maybe you were thinking of the Baptists. No wonder they were mad at you.
Ask the adorable nephew if he likes gladiator movies.
(Could they do that joke nowadays?)
Write something rude on the front lawn using a heavy stream of salt right out of the box as the ink.
Spell check carefully. This is permanent!
Feel up all the adult male relatives and say mine’s bigger.
Feel up all the minor male relatives and say mine’s bigger.
Offer grandma a toke.
Ask your MIL if she used vodka in her Jell-O mold.
Brag on how you and your wife make extra money starring in MMF porn videos.
Tell Italian jokes.
Go for a “long walk” with her cousins after telling italian jokes.
The best laugh of the day by far. Thank you, tpayne.
That’s a good one!
Burp the prayer at dinner.
Shave their old cat like a poodle.
Ask everyone what they’re going to do with their inheritance money.
Spike the punch with any or all of the following:
LSD
Cockroaches
Ipecac
Iocaine powder
Mention the hilarious game you play with your wife, where you make up some wild story about something that could only happen to a drunken, brain-dead lowlife, and she tells you which of her relations it actually happened to.
Sing this song from when you walk into the door, to when you are forced to leave: *I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how is goes: *
And repeat until you can leave.