Things you will never hear on your favorite TV shows

Law & Order (older episodes): “Good morning, 2-7 Precinct, Captain Cragen here, how may I help you?”

Law & Order (newer episodes): Jack McCoy: “Sorry, can’t do that. It will win the case, but it’s iffy on the law, so I’m going to skip it.”

Friends: Anyone: “I can’t meet you at the coffee shop tonight, the gang from work is going over to that new martini bar.”

24: Jack Bauer: “Call someone else, I have the stomach flu.”

ER: John Carter: “Really, Abby, we can’t discuss your personal life right now, we have to reconstruct this guy’s spleen.”

Trading Spaces: Hildi: “Oh my goodness. You really hate the idea of gluing rotting tomatoes to the furniture? Hmmm…okay then. Let me rethink this.”

Sopranos: Paulie Walnuts: I’ve been speculating on the ramifications of Tensor Analysis and I believe there’s a flaw in Einstein’s use of that in his Relativity constructs.

Enterprise: “That was a pretty non-eventful mission.”

Please let me have the first Star Trek one.

CSI:
Gee Grissom, the cops can solve this without us.

Monk: “I’m sorry, Stottlemeyer. I really have no idea how this was pulled off.”

Frasier
Frasier: “Sorry, Dad. I ate the last of your beef jerky.”

24
Jack: “How was your day, Kim?”
Kim: “Fine, nothing happened.”

Tough Crowd:
A guest: “Wow, Colin. You just told the funniest joke ever told in the entire history of mankind.”
(I hate this show and especially Colin “Death of Comedy” Quinn, but I couldn’t resist)

Homer: “Hello Bart, how was your day at school?”
Bart: “Hello Dad, why it was just fab!”
Homer: “Well, that’s just fine son, wash up for dinner.”
Bart: “Sure, Dad, right after I take care of my chores.”

Things we will never hear again.

David Letterman: “Our first guest tonight is Madonna.”

same goes for Crispin Glover, Drew Barrymore, etc.

Alias
Any character: Maybe the CIA should stop wasting all this time chasing after 15th century inventions and actually work on tracking down terrorists and stuff.

Law and Order : Any character: “Well, damn, it turned out our initial hunch was right. The perp is the very first guy we brought in for questioning. And not only did he confess, but his lawyer didn’t even try to have the confession thrown out!”

24: (any character) “Sorry, it’s going to be at least an hour and a half before I can get there. This is LA traffic, after all.”

Smallville: “Lana, Chloe, the explanation is that I’m an alien with super powers.”
“Oh. Well, that explains everything. You should have told us sooner.”

Sorry for the hijack, but what’s the deal with Drew Barrymore? I thought she & Dave were best pals. What’d I miss?

Kim Possible
::Kimmunicator beeps::
Kim: Yeah, Wade?
Wade: Just letting you know not to call me, Kim. I’m gonna head to the park to run laps.
~
Kim: Wade, what IS that thing?
Wade: You got me.
~
Kim: Ron, you wanna stop for nachos?
Ron: Nah, I’m not hungry.
Rufus: ::high-pitched groan of overfeeding::
~
Shego: Well, I give up.
~
Drakken: Holy…it worked. My device worked!
~
Kim: Gotta go, mom. World-saving stuff, you know.
Mom: Uh-uh, honey, you’ve got school in the morning. To bed with you.
~
Kim’s brothers: We’ll clean it up!
~
Kim: C’mon, Ron, we don’t have much time!
Ron: I dunno, KP. I’ve got homework. And it’s math–you know how much I love math.
~
Ron: Nothin’ like a rice cake.
Rufus: ::Mmm-mmm::

Wolverine: Sabertooth, my man! Good to see you!

Sabertooth: Wolverine, dude! Let me buy you a beer!

They head off to a bar, shoot the breeze while enjoying brewskies and telling jokes.

Sorry, no can do.

Enterprise :
ARCHER: “We can’t do that! It’s against Star Fleet regulations!”

Police: Hooray! It’s Spider-Man here to save the day!

Spider-Man waves to the police as they are his adoring fans, along with the rest of the public.

J. Jonah Jameson has the Daily Bugle print front page stories praising Spider-Man for the hero he is.

Darrin: Sam, why are doing all this housework the hard way? Just twitch your nose. Then what do you say you whisk us off to Paris for a romantic dinner? And bring Endora, too. She’s loads of fun!

Monk: So the pictures are hung crooked. So what? shrugs and walks away

:smack: (typing too quickly!)

Correction: Darrin: Sam, why are you doing all this housework the hard way? Just twitch your nose. Then what do you say you whisk us off to Paris for a romantic dinner? And bring Endora, too. She’s loads of fun!

Any one of the Cartwright sons meeting a gal, falling in love, getting married and living happily ever after without the gal getting killed before they have a chance at a happy life together.

Or:

Sam: Hey, you’re not my husband! Who are you? Why are you wearing Darrin’s clothes? How the hell did you get in my house?