To my mother-in-law, when she talks about UFOs and remote viewing: “Um, M-I-L, you have a screw loose.”
Every evening at 1945 the hospital PA announces that visiting hours will be over in 15 minutes and our patients need their healing rest.
Sadly, this is never followed by, so shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.
True Story:
Dumb Ass Pt ‘I think I have a kidney stone’
Outlier The Triage Nurse ‘What are your symptoms’
DAP describes vague abd complaint NOT consistent with kidney stone
OTTN ‘have you ever had a kidney stone’
DAP ‘no, but I have a staph infection in my ear and I read on the internet that staph infections can lead to kidney stones.’
OTTN *does not *say ‘dude, if your ear infection gave you a kidney stone, you must have a eustation tube longer than my dick.’
To dumb customers blaming me for their overdraft fees: “It’s not my fault you hit the ATM three times at the casino last night. Suck it up and pay the damn fees. And lay off the poker.” or “If you’re such a poor college student, why are you spending $200 a night going out to the bars? Maybe the mommy and daddy who raised you to be so damn entitled can give you more money to drink away.”
To Coworker
It isn’t bad enough that I have to hear your grubby little fingers crinkling the bag of cheerios that you insist on eating dry, nor the tapa tapa tapa on the bottom of the container as you try to squeeze out every last blob of yogurt, but now it’s the gd smell of grapefruit. Go eat in the cafeteria, and not at your desk. This isn’t the freakin’ breakfast buffet at HoJos. :mad:
Take this job and shove it?
To a coworker of mine: you do not need to radio in every single little thing that goes wrong in your area. You really, really don’t. Please, for the love of god, give it a rest.
“Well, it would be easier for me to explain the technical issue I’m having with your program if you weren’t—as I’ve sincerely come to believe—suffering from Autism-spectrum, and possibly attention-deficit disorders. And if I may be so bold, maybe if you make your living as a simulation programmer, one of your hobbies shouldn’t be practicing a martial art that awards extra points for being kicked in the head. Like a few years ago, when you got your jaw busted and wired shut for weeks? Remember that? No? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t.”
Today my boss referred to our former VP as a “big bag of wind.” But not to his face.
To my freelancing client: You are just ripping me off, right? Screw it! You finish the site yourself!
I WISH I could say, ‘This is my lovely wife, Halle Berry. Check out this new helicopter she just bought me.’