Recently, attending a church service with my wife, our pastor introduced us to “our missionary in Africa.”
What I didn’t say: “Missionary, huh? Good to meetcha, I use your position every chance I get.”
Discretion, meet valor.
Q
Sitting with my mom in church. The priest told the congregation they must strive to avoid the “isms” , Racism, sexism, materialism. I almost added spiritualism.
“That dress DOES make you look fat.”
While at synagogue with family, the service included the song Listen To Our G-d. I leaned over to my brother-in-law and said “G-d tells me to kill.”
In general, if I want to say it then I do.
Surprisingly, there are indeed situations in the mundane world where I wish I could say this. A number of them in politics.
At a wedding, the pastor said “Now, as we look at the wedding ring, we see that it is circular. This symbolizes…”
And my friend next to me stage-whispers: “…that the cross-section of the finger is round!”
Actually, there’s nothing I wish I could say, but don’t.
Anyone here had to find the intense compulsion, during a sermon, to loudly call out "Cite?"
(Why, yes, I have. I’ve been able to hold it until I get to talk to the pastor more privately, but I swear someday it’s going to slip out… and someone across the aisle will ask “Do I know you from Great Debates?” I just hope it isn’t Rand Rover or one of those trollish dopers).
My Scottish group had a joint concert that included our bagpipe band with a local Irish rock band. The logo was kind of a hybrid shamrock and thistle, which we dubbed the “shistle.”
I was explaining it to someone when a Maude Flanders accosted me and said she didn’t appreciate swearing where kids might hear. I’m not sure how she got swearing out of that (the T isn’t even pronounced, so I can’t think that she thought she heard “shit” or something), but what I really wanted to say was, “OK, fuck you, too. Was that loud enough to assault some delicate little ears?”
I would like to scream at one of my office mates (3 people sharing a large room, 2 others with adjoining offices) to shut her fucking cakehole, not everything she says warrants saying at all, let alone the mindless laughter that always follows, also out of her own braying mouth.
I would like to complain to my boss about this piece of damaged goods, but unfortunately she (my boss) is an enabler, and they are friends.
You may be reading about me one day in the sensational press. I’m just sayin’.
Roddy
Did you at least giggle every time he said the word “missionary”?
“Here’s your sign.”
Many times daily.
Here’s a conversation I had Saturday.
Setting: I had been called into work to check on a barcode printer that wasn’t printing. The ticket didn’t have info on which on it was. I’ve just called the user.
Projammer (PJ): Good morning. This is PJ with information management. I’ve got a ticket here that you’re having a problem with your label printer. I just need to know where it’s located.
Clueless Client (CC): Next to the printer.
PJ: facepalm
PJ: Which office is it in?
CC: The Oxygen Deprivation Chamber.
PJ: I suspected as much. Thank you. Here’s your sign.**
While I’m working on the printer, I experience this conversation.
CC: When I got in this morning there was a note from the girl that worked Friday. The printer had been down all day and she was hand writing all the labels.
PJ: All day Friday when we were actually at work?
CC: Yes.
PJ: Here’s a sign for your coworker.**
**Internal dialogue.
I was recently made aware that one of my family members is concerned that my SO and I are “too affectionate” with each other. Oh, and that our telling about trips we have taken or things we have done would make it obvious that we are probably sleeping together. (Um, what? We might peck each other on the cheek and hold hands, or for Og’s sake, smile at each other. But we are not crawling all over each other half-naked in front of a 6 year old. Then again, my family would probably get along well with the Duggars)
What I want to say so badly:
“Let me get this straight. The wife of the man who sexually molested me as a child finds it offensive that I’m finally in a happy, healthy relationship? And doesn’t want kids to see what that looks like??”
But since she didn’t make the statement directly to me, and I have forgiven him and he’s repented (but never told her), I can’t do it.
In my experience, whenever a southern Baptist begins a public prayer (such as at a family reunion), he always starts it with “Oh, Lord . . .” I have to consciously stifle the urge to yell out, “Wontcha buy me a Mercedes Benz?” My wife is more than a little concerned about this.
Hey, that’s what the pastor did at my wedding. We laughed about its lameness later.
When I was dating my ex, “you’re REALLY going to wear THAT out?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“nothing…”
Damn you, I did NOT need that earworm in my head.
To the colleague whom I fortunately don’t encounter very often: “For the love of all that’s holy, would you try to wash up at least once a day? And bring an extra shirt to work! How can your students stand to be in the same room with you?!”
To some of my students: “Couldn’t you at least pretend to act like adults?”
To a friend with whom I have very little contact anymore: “I couldn’t take any more of your whining, complaining, self-imposed martyrdom, attention-whoring, sympathy-begging, and poor-mouthing. Life is less stressful without you.”
To my cousin: “You didn’t used to be such an effing snob until you married into that family.”
To one of my nieces: “You’re 19. You do NOT know it all. You are too young to marry. You have no job and you’re spending your parents’ money like crazy. Knock it off and grow up.”
More properly described as annular, which symbolizes… 
“No, your body makes you look fat. That dress is concealing it a little.”