Putting coffee in the percolator but not water does not result in hot coffee. It results in smoke.
Release, release, release the damn parking brake before attempting to drive anywhere!
I’ve noticed that a lot of the newer ATMs won’t give you your money until after you’ve removed your card. Pretty smart, really.
When you put your bicycle up on the roof rack, make sure you’ve got the *front *wheel before driving away. Unless you want to go for a unicycle ride.
When you get home from that unicyle ride, take it off the roof rack before driving into the garage.
Before rotating a doorknob, one should check that hand for open beverage containers.
A necessary component of preparing a bowl of cereal with a light dose of sugar on top is to ascertain the presence of milk in the house. It is difficult to return both cereal and sugar to their respective containers.
Before utilizing the sun visor of one’s car it is first adviseable to remove any papers, pens, sunglasses, or other detritus tucked between the visor and the roof.
The thoroughfare known as “Martin Way” has other purposes apart from serving as a juncture between home and work. Be advised that there will be times one will wish to drive down Martin Way and not turn right on Lilly Road as if proceeding to the office.
In honor of my friend Joe the RN: It is not necessary to dial 911 from the room of your hospital. Ringing the ‘Nurse’ button is sufficient.
When throwing garbage down the trash shute the proper place for keys is not in your hands but in your pocket.
When getting into a car the roof of said car isn’t the smartest place to store stuff for “just a moment.”
Just because the elevator stops doesn’t mean it has reached your floor.
When descending a staircase that has an overhang, it is unwise to take a swig of beer. Invariably, one will smack the bottle on the overhang, causing spillage and sore teeth. The side effect of having one’s boobs now smell like a fraternity house carpet will do nothing to further one’s ambition to be thought of as a true lady.
Aw, honey…haven’t you learned that a grocery list isn’t useful until you write it down? I finally learned my lesson on THAT one.
Of course…
Corollary: Once one has been upitty enough to chide a friend about not writing their grocery list on paper, it would be useful to remember that one needs to actually take said list to the store if one expects to make actual use of said list. Especially since one forgets to do this half the time. 
So one should shut up.
If the button on your car remote ceases to work because the battery is dead, you can still open the door by…heLLO?…putting the key in the door and turning it. There is no need to stand there for ten seconds trying to figure out who you can call to bring you a battery.
Just because you have imparted vital information to three of your family members about, say, your father being in the ER at the hospital? It does not necessarily follow that you have told EVERYONE. Especially when you have three sibings and an aunt who needed to be informed. Your aunt will be mystified and upset when she receives a phone call wondering how your dad is doing because you are in the hospital WITH your dad and no one can get ahold of you, and your siblings will be mad. So will your aunt. So will his best friend, who is waiting at a restaurant to have dinner with him. So will his OTHER friend, who is waiting at his house to pick him up to TAKE him to dinner.
Corollary: NO ONE can call you on your cell phone if it is at home and you are NOT.
(Sure didn’t cover myself with glory THAT time.)
Corollary: Did you rinse the shampoo? Did you apply the conditioner? Did you rinse that out?
When showering after painting, it helps if you actually look at the body parts you painted to come out unpainted.
Y’ know, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who does this. It’s actually become more like an OCD routine…gloves on, keys…pat pat… :smack: gloves off…gloves on, strap…fumble fumble ::sigh:: gloves off…
Not as universal, but
After work, turning on your left turn-signal and pressing on the gas pedal will not make your car back up. And the other fork-lift drivers in the parking lot will laugh at you. (Of course, one of them will do the same thing tomorrow, so it’s alright.)
'Honey, please run down to 7-11 and get some milk."
“Okay.”
<time passes>
“Honey, I’m home. I got us some chips, some Coke, and I got the new issue of Car and Driver.”
“Where’s the milk?”
<stunned silence for about five seconds>
“I’ll be right back.”
Not always true, sadly.
My car’s locks are electronic, and WILL NOT OPEN if there’s no power to them, even with the key. This has only happened to me once, and it lead to a VERY frustrating commedy of errors. Never, never again.
I am at the store.
See, the thing is, I don’t know why I am here. Oh, I know I came to buy something, after all, I don’t shop for fun. Not only am I here to buy something, I am, I am absolutely sure here to buy a particular thing, which I needed to have when I decided to come to the store.
Not much point in going back home now. When I get there, the first thing that will happen is that I will still need the thing I came here to buy! So, I shop a bit. Did I mention that I hate shopping? Sigh.
No, don’t need any of those . . . Nope, got a whole lot of those . . . Oh! Damn, those are the things I forget to get last week! I better get some, but that is not what I came here to get.
So, now I shop.
Tris
[slight hijack] If you are familiar with Uncle Bonsai, in 2000, they recorded a song called “Where’s the milk?”
There used to be a link with the lyrics but it’s not working amy more[/slight hijack]
If you remove a microwavable entree from your freezer with the intention of taking it to work to serve as your lunch, it is best to remember to bring it with you when you leave the apartment. It will not follow you to work, nor will it find its own way back to the freezer.
Thirty seconds after one has started one’s morning shower is generally a poor time to remember that the new bottle of shampoo one has recently purchased (to replace the empty one that is still inexplicably resting on the ledge of the tub) is still sitting on the kitchen counter.
It is advisable to wipe the condensation from the inside of your windshield before you leave your parking spot.
Should you have the occasion to observe that drinking orange flavored Kool-Aid triggers a strong urge to urinate every 45 minutes for the rest of the morning, it is advisable to make a note of this adverse reaction and refrain from buying said beverage in the future.
And that was all before 10:00 this morning!
Once again, I’m convinced that my husband posts here under many different user names.
And I’m convinced that I’m posting in my sleep, and my wife somehow lives in Baltimore…
Putting clothes in the dryer does not cause the dryer to turn on. One must push the button.
Never bring a glass of water or cup of coffee along when searching for towels or videos in the closet. Doing so may cause one to leave the beverage on the shelf, close the door, then wonder what became of said beverage.When putting wine in the freezer for a couple of minutes to chill in lieu of the refrigerator for a longer period of time, it is a good idea to remove it from the freezer in a reasonably short time frame. A week later, when the wine has frozen and pushed the cork out, is a little too late.
When checking one’s watch for the date, it might help if one actually looked at the date. Corollary: The date is very unlikely to have changed in the last 20 seconds. It is not necessary to check one’s watch before filling out every single date on the form.
“You too,” is not an appropriate reply to the ticketing agent when he says, “Have a nice flight.” He’s not going anywhere today, you are.
Rinsing the conditioner out of one’s hair greatly increases the chance of getting that nice, fluffy, dry condition when toweling it after one’s shower.
One cannot get money out of the ATM by either: a) Using a bank card that doesn’t correspond to the ATM one is attempting to use, or b) Entering the PIN for a card that does not correspond to the card one is attempting to use. Doing both at the same time is certain to end in complete failure.
It is a good idea to ascertain the identity of the young woman standing beside one before one puts one’s arm around her at a party or both one’s girlfriend and the woman in question may require swift placation.
It is advisable to check to see if one remembered to bring down a towel from upstairs before taking a shower.
I have a similar problem. I can physically unlock the door with the key, but what I’ve discovered, to my heart-stopping surprise, is that the alarm is still active, so you can imagine the cacophony when the door opens…a combination of a wailing alarm and my swearing.
:eek: