Those Who Have Become More Accepting of Gays: What Changed Your Mind?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I thought of putting this in IMHO, but given the subject matter it may be more appropriate for here. I’ll bow to the judgment of the Lords Moderator.
This is for Dopers who were once far less approving/accepting of gay relationships and gay rights than they are now. What do you think more than anything else most softened your views on gays or made you come to see them as a more valid alternative lifestyle? Was it a more intellectual or visceral transition? I’m curious whether religious arguments, appeals to logic, knowing openly gay people, depictions of gays in media, etc., had the most affect on the largest number of people.

I make absolutely no judgments of the views anybody used to hold so don’t be embarassed to admit if you were once very anti-gay. I was a homophobe growing up even though I recognized I was attracted to men from a very early age, but I honestly didn’t think of myself as gay because gays were those guys shown on Jerry Falwell (the freakiest contingents possible of the wildest gay pride marches possible) and when they weren’t putting on drag or mincing around a room they liked to molest little boys. I was embarassingly old (early 20s) before I finally realized "gays are nice/rotten/dull/exciting/brilliant/moronic/etc.- they’re just like everybody else except they prefer to do the NahNah with their own gender. I’m curious if that’s anybody else’s experience and also how it’s changed over the years. (I was born in Dec. 66 so my formative years were 70s/80s, whereas Dopers 20 years older or younger than I am whether gay or straight probably had different experiences.)

Anyway, please include some word about your age or religious/family background if you feel it’s relevant. And drive safely.

2

I don’t view it as an alternative because that would imply choice and since I don’t know anybody who choose heterosexuality I don’t believe anyone chooses homosexuality. My views changed many years ago because of intellectual reasons as I never knew anyone who was openly gay nor did I ever suspect any of my friends of being in the closet. I determined that homosexuality was natural nor was anyone hurt by it, a hostile society doesn’t count, so I came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with it.

That said, I find it a little weird and I’m not entirely comfortable with it, but I don’t like to let my discomfort interfere with anyone else. So I try to treat others with compassion, respect, and understanding when possible. I do have a friend who I knew as a he in high school who is now a she and although it was a bit strange it was relatively easy to accept.
Marc

3

I was never truly anti-gay or homophobic. However, I did grow up in small town in Lousiana where there were very few gay people. There was one older gay guy in town that opened his house as a homestyle restaurant. We used to go there and the man had the tackiest nude statues and other art depicting nude males everywhere. People cracked jokes about it but it isn’t like the stereotypes of small town Southern people at all. People in school always made plenty of fag jokes too but I think that is common most places or at least it was.

I went to college at Tulane in New Orleans where there is obviously a huge (shameless) gay population. I got a job catering at a hotel my sophomore year of college. The manager “interviewed” me by having me come in, smile, and then do a series of walks around the room. Being so naive, I didn’t even know what was going on. The man’s name was Brian “Uncle Brian” and he became my sugar daddy because he liked attractive straight males to accompany him. Over the next three years, he took me to events and parties and whatever else and there were tons on gay men around. I got to know lots of them and many of them were prominent New Orleans people in business and the media. Not a damn thing ever happened because I believe I am almost 100% heterosexual but that allowed me to hang around them and get to know their particular subculture without any pretense. What a perverted bunch that was in every way but it was always good for shock and awe. I don’t know how typical that is other places but it certainly was there. I got hit on every way imaginable and learned words and phrases I never should have known.

I would respect gay right regardless but I did find that gay men can be quite funny, shocking, and certainly not boring and I value that type of diversity.

4

It has been both a visceral and intellectual transition for me. As a bit of background, I was raised in a small town in a conservative Christian home–homosexuality is a sin, and all that.
When I was about 18, a friend came out of the closet. I had never known any gays before that, and I guess this started me thinking about it in a less abstract way.
Around this time, I entered college and my political and religious views began to change. I went from identifying as a conservative Christian Republican to a left-leaning libertarian deist. I guess I realized that, if I wanted to be left alone to live my life as I please, that right must extend to everyone else as well. I don’t think that the government has any business interfering in a person’s personal life, and that includes who they sleep with or marry.

5

For me, my (Southern Baptist) religious background was never a source of homophobia (at least as I define the term); I was raised to believe that homosexual activity was sinful, but never that homosexuals were especially wrong or evil. Whatever feelings of real hate I had came from the schoolyard: like every other little boy in America, I learned to use “faggot” as an insult.

The first time I ever heard about a gay person as anything other than an abstract concept was when my older brother (who was a big influence on me as a kid and who is now a minister) went to a Christian college and had a gay roommate. I was ten or so at the time, and I assumed that this meant my brother would try to get a different roommate. I remember being impressed that he didn’t, and that my brother was not (AFAICT) at all repulsed or frightened. I also ended up reading a number of books by one of the professors at that college, a Christian sociologist who stressed the wrongness of vilifying or hating homosexuals. None of that contradicted the teaching of gay sex being wrong; but it was more of a message of tolerance than I was getting from the lockerroom.

When my college required all students to spend time doing “practical ministry” I volunteered to work in an AIDS hospice, and that was where I was first (knowingly) around gay people on a regular basis, and that’s where I eventually lost any uneasiness or fear. It’s also where I met a number of people – some of them dying – who had personal stories of ostracism and rejection that stunned me and broke my heart.

I guess if there’s a point to this, it’s that for me, religion was a positive force for as long as I can remember: if not positvely affirming homosexuality, at least it taught that homosexual people deserved love and respect and not the treatment that they recieved from society at large.

6

I’m 24 and I was raised Conservative Catholic. In 7th grade, girls were doing those little paper-fortune things and one of the results was “You’re gay” which was met with giggles. I asked my older brother what it ment and he told me “It’s when guys like guys and girls like girls.” I went home and mentioned it to my mother who said that she was disappointed a perfectly good word like gay had “that” meaning. In eight grade, another girl and I were called lesbians which made me really annoyed. I thought that gays were going to hell and did not care for them at all - even though I didn’t know any.

In High School, I was so anti-gay that one of the first posts I ever made on a mailing list was an anti-gay flame. A poster had written a story where my favorite character was gay and I was so annoyed that she would dare make him into one of “them.” Luckily, they didn’t ban me for it. I made friends with a girl on the mailing list who happened to live in my hometown. She was huge into anime and convinced me to watch a series with her. Later, she showed me a website that had doujinshis (fan comics) about various characters from the series. Most of them involved guys having relationships with other guys. She showed me the non-sexual stuff first, which she clearly thought was very cute. As I read it, I felt my homophobia melting away. The stories tugged at my heart and were too cute to be evil and sinful. I was curious and figured out a way to “hack” into the adult section which we both read eagerly. Around this time, I encountered my first gay friend - a lesbian. She went to another all girl’s Catholic school and wanted to be a nun. She was incredibly butch and an awesome friend. I credit her with saving my life. I tried to reconcile my faith with my heart but I failed and became a generic Christian instead of a Catholic.

In High School I had a female friend that I thought was “beyond cool.” I would treasure notes that she gave to me and I hung on nearly every word she said. I sometimes thought I had to “prove” myself to her. I thought about her so much that I had dreams about her. While on a family vacation I finally realized that I was crushing. I think one of the reasons why I was so anti-gay was that I recognized it in myself and was afraid of it. Now I am openly bi. I’ve found the best method for getting rid of homophobia is not logic, but through showing how two adults of the same sex can love each other just as passionately as two of the opposite sex can.

7

I was never too anti-gay, as in, I never thought that gay people ought to be killed, or that thet were all bound for hell, but I was always realy creeped out by the idea of homsexuality and homosexuals. I wanted nothing to do with them, and always though of them as, well them, as in strange people that were inherently different, and not quite right, somehow.

I became more accepting in high school. First it was on an intellectual level. My thought process basicly went: “They are people. People ought to be treated like people, regardless of race, gender, religion, or orientation.” Of course this was only further eforced by the small goup of stupid, racistists whom I had the misforture of having classes with. They were kind of people who though that jews controlled the country and all arabs were on a jihad against America. :rolleyes:

Anyway it was about half a year after this that I became more accepting on a more ‘viceral’ level. I learned that two family friends, older (around 60 at the time) men whom I had known for sometime were gay (looking back now I wonder why I never noticed sooner, as it was somewhat obvious). But when I did learn, I remembered the “people are people” revelation that I had, and I acted the same way I did before. I continued to laugh at their stories and anecdotes and to respect them, and nothing, really, had changed.

8

I was never rabidly anti-gay but I did think homosexuality was wrong or unnatural. I’m in Australia and religion doesn’t feature very prominently here; we’re a very secular country - irreligious, even - so I don’t ascribe my moderately anti-gay attitudes to religious bigotry.

On the contrary, it was the rantings of one of the very few religous bigots Australia has produced which tipped me away from the ‘anti-gay’ mindset towards acceptance and understanding (as far as that’s possible for a hetero). So, congratulations Rev Fred Nile - your bigotry had the opposite effect, at least in my case.

9

I really do not see this turning into a debate or a flame fest. I think it would have worked quite well in IMHO and think we’ll try it there to see if I’m right.

[ /Moderating ]

10

I was never really unaccepting per se, more of the growing up in a time when it was unaccepted to joked about it like everyone else (I’m sure the closeted gay guys did this to “fit in” as well). Then as I got older I didn’t really think about it to much… time passes and I worked in restaurants, which had the effect of exposing me to openly gay people. I had some gay customers (I was a waiter) who would flirt with me, and while there was no attraction I found the attention flattering. I did have at least one bi/gay colleague make a pass at me and just said “thanks, but no thanks”. As I grew to know more gay people it just became not such a big deal. Which is good, because it made things like the time I inadvertently went into a gay bar for a drink and got hit on by a very old man much more amusing.

11

Me too. I also had a number of unasked and forward advances from gay men. The lisp, walk and effete manner also irked me. Similarly I rather resented that there was a subsector of femininity absolutely impervious to my charms.

In all honesty, I think it was the growing burden of other cares that put these worries from my mind. Mostly that, more than maturity, whatever that is, or moral growth.

12

I was never unaccepting of gays, but I was insensitive and somewhat disgusted by Male Homosexuals. Lesbianism made perfect sense to me. I was far more attracted to females, why shouldn’t females be.
I guess I was always in favor of gay rights just short of marriage.
One of my friends in High School was gay and it never bothered me. It also never came up in conversation, so I was definitely not enlightened.

When I first met my wifes family, I realized immediately that her brother was gay and I was surprised they didn’t realize it. (this was 15 years ago)

There was an exchange between his mother and him that made me realize she was still waiting for him to meet a nice girl. (Did I mention my Wife’s family is Jewish?) That night I asked my girlfriend about her brother out of confusion.
She did kind of know but it wasn’t discussed back then. Her whole family has been very supportive since he started being open about it. I think his other brother had the hardest time with it but he lives in New Orleans and adjusted quickly.

Knowing him and his SOs has gotten me past my childhood prejudices and I attended his Wedding in LA 3 years ago.

Jim

13

My dad is homophobic - not virulently so, and his disgust towards homosexuality really only extends towards gay men. Lesbians aren’t even on his radar. My guess is that between being raised by a fundamentalist Southern Baptist family and then some bad experiences in his early adulthood. He joined the Navy when he was 17 and was cuter than a bug’s ear. He got unwanted attention from other men, and I think there may have even been an assault.

The subject didn’t come up very often at home, but when it did, it was negative. Gay people did gross, disgusting things. At school, being called “gay”, “faggot”, “dyke”, or “lesbian” was very much an insult. When I was a senior and announced that I would be going to Texas Woman’s University for college - the largest public women’s college in the US - several classmates pulled me aside to warn me that there were a whole bunch of lesbians going there, and I shouldn’t attend.

So, the subject made me very uncomfortable. I was bullied enough in school that I really didn’t like the idea of being mean to someone because of the way they were, but I didn’t have any real life examples to point at and say “see, he’s gay, and he’s not gross or disgusting, and he doesn’t have any interest in raping other men.”

Then, when I got to college, one of my best friends from high school came out to me. His name was Keith, and he was a big teddy bear of a guy. We’d been friends since I was a freshman and he was a sophmore. He was my safe place, my guy that I could always count on. My reaction at that point was, “well, if Keith is gay, then obviously, being gay is not a bad thing, because there’s no way Keith is bad.” Around that time, I figured out that my favorite professor was a lesbian. And again, if Jeanne was a lesbian, then there was nothing bad about being a lesbian.

I still occasionally get uncomfortable around people who I know or think are gay, but it’s not hostility. I’m more worried about saying something idiotic or offensive, or not being as supportive as I believe I should be. I vote pro-gay on everything I can, and I’ve managed to get my mom to see the other side of the gay marriage issue. There’s really nothing I can do for my dad though. He doesn’t rant, and he doesn’t treat people he thinks are gay rudely, but that’s about the best that can be said for him on that subject.

14

I’ve pretty much always loved gay/lesbian people. I especially love the stereotypical gay guy who’s like your best girlfriend. No offense intended.

I still have a strong memory of a story my parents told me when I was 15. During a typical playing cards/smoking up the house/having a couple glasses of whatever drink was in at the time (which was quite often back then, my folks had people over all the time) get-together, my parent’s very best friends had some shocking news. Their eldest son, much to their sorrow (and they literally cried talking about it - a very large & strong man crying) was gay. This was back in 1981, quite prior to universal acceptance (which is still a ways to go). The story clicked in my head. I had gone out on-the-town in Old Sacto about a year earlier with the boy (whom, incidentally, was the boy I always wanted to marry as a youngster) who was four years older than I. I noticed in his car that he had some gay-slogan related items and I clearly remember being puzzled. NO WAY was my husband-to-be (in my head; he was soooo sweet and cute) gay, and I really didn’t understand what it was all about then anyway. Then when my folks told me this story it all fell into place. Bummer for me, but whatever. I platonically love him to this day and think of him as a quasi-brother. We have contact frequently, both him, his partner and his parents. They’re like my second family.

On the other hand, there are my cousins. Two out of three are gay/lesbian. No biggie to me, but it always freaked out any boyfriends I had that met the gay cousin. He could be quite flaming if he wanted to get someone going. He’s only had one long-term relationship, and, if I tell the truth, he’s just plain skeevy. My other cousin has been in a relationship for geez, 20 years. There’s no way that anyone (in my mind) could discount that. I’m only sorry they can’t/don’t celebrate their anniversaries like I might. Same with good friend above.

So, acceptance has never been an issue to me. You love the people that are close to you regardless of anything, to me. My husband feels differently and that makes me sad.

15

This is going to sound pathetically simple, but no-one else has mentioned it, so I might as well be the first.

I’m a girl, born in '67. As a teenager, my sad experience was that boys ignored or bullied me, and were only nice to me if they were romantically or sexually attracted to me.
So my simpleton, subconscious reasoning must have been: “Gays are not attracted to me, so what reason do would a gay guy have to be pleasant to me? Best to simply avoid them.”

Even though I liked androgynous boys ad popstars.

Later on, I realised (what a revelation!) that gays might be welcoming people who were accepting of them. As I saw no reason not to be accepting of homosexuality, and as I heard that many gay guys like to have female friends, I had a reason to seek out gays as friends. Thats when my visceral attitude changed.

16

In my youth I had been hit on several times by gays. First by a prominent eye doctor who took a firm but gentle grasp of my 14 year old balls as I handed him a newspaper while he was sitting in a lawn chair . I was completely helpless and embarrassed.
A year later while hitchhiking from my girlfriend’s place at 1 am, I was picked up by this guy who kept rubbing his crotch and talking about sex. I was thinking about jumping out when I noticed that there were no handles on my door that could open it or open the window. He said he needed to take a detour on this 10 mile stretch of road and proceeded to take me to this abandoned farm house. He said he needed a piss and I said “me too”. As I got around to the other side of the car, and feeling a little safer, I confronted him with his sexuality. To make a long story short, I got out of that situation but I was scared shitless. Since then I had been hit on several times, but nothing frightening.

As far as religion goes, I used to be a bible literalist, but I also believed that once saved always saved despite the non-marital heterosexual encounters I experienced up to my marriage. I believed homosexuality was wrong but so was pre-marital sex, so that angle wasn’t much of a factor in my view of gays. But I wasn’t impressed with the gaudy sexualized appearance that I frequently saw in the media with gay parades.

To sum it up, I wasn’t very impressed with the gay lifestyle, but I chose to just ignore it.

My exposure in the past 5 years to the SDMB changed everything. I can’t exactly explain it but I see gays a lot different now. I applaud committed relationships and fully understand the need for the rights they wish to pursue. My literalist beliefs in the bible changed as well, eliminating my impression that the gay lifestyle is sinful.

I am now proud of my country for its stand on gay marriage. It is my hope that one day being gay will not make any difference whatsoever.

17

I’m a 55 year old Canadian male with a background in Dutch Reformed and later Baptist style religion. Current religion can be best described as inconclusive.

18

When I was 18, I took a brief (very) stint as a professional actor. Shakespeare.
One day I’m driving one of my co-workers home and make a flippant anti-gay remark, as I was, at the time, rather a homophobe. He looks at me with total shock and says, “Dude, do you know how many people you work with who are gay?”

That did it for me. It was like a switch; humanized it. Suddenly it wasn’t ‘the Gays’. It was Mike and Steve and Lilah, and… Hey, they were all right, pretty cool people… How could I hate them for just having different sexual tastes than me?

19

I wasn’t virulently anti-gay, but I didn’t like the concept (not that I ever acted on this).

Then I found out a guy I thought was gay wasn’t, and got to be friends with him. After we became friends, it turned out he was gay. See this for a full story.

20

I grew up in a very small town and a very conservative church. We’re talking fundamental here. So as you can imagine, my upbringing was pretty anti-gay. I, too, was subjected to the Jerry Falwell/Chuck Swindoll school of, “homosexuality is a choice.” I think my coming around happened pretty simultaneously with my rejection of the religion I’d grown up with, which I found to have some very good, loving qualities, but which I also found to be pretty judgmental and hateful. I came to firmly believe that it’s ridiculous to try to tell someone you can’t love someone else, especially when love is what’s right in this world, not what’s wrong with it. I also came to understand that homosexuality is not a choice.
A few years ago, one of my best friends came out as being bisexual. He asked me to be there with him when he told his family because he knew I would be the one person who would for sure accept him (they all did too). Now he’s struggling again because he’s entering his first real relationship with a guy, and he’s again fearful of what people are going to say. I feel really bad for him because he deserves to be happy, and I’m trying to be there for him, but it’s hard to know what to say. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can help him feel comfortable bringing this relationship to his friends and family, I’d love to hear them.