I read recipes the same way I read science fiction; I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” (Rita Rudner)
Sure, women SAY the love you
Then they chew through the ropes
and run away.
The toughest time…in anyone’s life…is when you have to kill a loved one just because they’re the devil. – Emo Phillips
Zeldar, you left out the best part! Emo pauses and then says “but other than that, today’s been ok!”
Sorry. I just ripped it off from a site that had some Emo “quotes” and I never actually saw/heard his actual bit. For me, Emo set the stage for Steven Wright and Jack Handey.
If you have some more Emo, please share!
I wish I knew to whom I could attribute this old nugget I’ve used for 20+ years:
“If you can’t be a big wheel in the great machine, at least try to be a good screw.”
I figure it this way, if I make just one person laugh, I’m doing better than Tony Danza --Emo Phillips
My love for animals is almost…illegal.
Some days you’re the bat…
…and some days you’re the ball.
Okay, if you insist:
“The host for the party told me to make myself feel at home. So I pulled down my pants and sat in the pudding.”
“When I was growing up, my parents often warned me not to open the basement doors. “Never open the basement doors!” they said again & again. One day, I DID open the basement doors, and I saw the most amazing things - trees, our back yard and the sky!”
Nice source. Here’s another from there:
Hard Work Pays Off After Time,
But Laziness Always Pays Off Now
Please grant me the courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.