Just wondering if anyone might have any thoughts on how we can constructively address what we view as some problemmatic character/personality traits in our youngest child, a 7th grade daughter M.
M lies about and hides all kinds of things – big or small. Can be as small – and easily confirmable - as “Did you make your bed yet?” Or “Do you have any homework?” Or, “Did anything happen between you an X the other day?” We often find out about things going on with her at school and socially from other kids’ moms, rather than her. For example, we will wonder why she hasn’t gotten together with a friend lately. And in the market we will run into another parent who will tell us M and the “friend” had had a big fight over something.
I understand that each individual incident might seem minor. But if you lived with her, you would realize that she was not truthful with you SO often, that you had a difficult time believing she was ever being truthful.
M frequently makes downright nasty critical comments to her siblings and parents. She rarely gets social calls/invites from classmates – which makes me wonder if she acts similarly towards them. Again, each instance might seem minor, but it is inescapable to notice how often she insists on having the last say, and interjects some snarky comment after a discussion is over. Comments that have no apparent purpose other than being critical of others.
She tests off the charts, but does no more than minimal effort in classes. Moreover, she doesn’t show a real interest in anything. She is doing very well at bassoon – and claims to like it, but never practices unless we remind her. She seems to be quite good at dance, but limits her involvement to once-weekly lessons. She is extremely content to simply watch TV. When we suggest that she read, she most often re-reads books and magazines below her grade level, instead of pursuing any interests or seeking out new material.
A sample scenario. Last weekend we got a progress note that she is getting a D in math. We said she had to do better, and had to bring home her math book so we could work on it together. This a.m. Mrs D met with her teacher. Last night, I asked if she had any homework. She said no. I asked if she brought home her math book so we could work on it. She said no – she forgot. (She also “forgot” the day before.)
We noticed she had some books in her backpack. She said she didn’t like the way her backpack “looked” when it didn’t have books in it. We told her not to carry unnecessary burdens, and if she HAD to carry some books, why they heck wasn’t it math and Spanish, her two worst subjects. No answer.
This morning my wife meets with the teacher. (We now have a copy of her math book at home.) Apparently last night M failed to bring home a test she had done poorly on. Did she think we wouldn’t ever find out? Moreover, M could have made-up some points if she had corrected the problems she had missed.
M is a very bright kid. She is very cute, with an impish twinkle in her eye. Very often, when people meet our 3 kids, they will comment that there is “something special” about M. Which is odd to us as parents, because A – the oldest – is a phenomenal workhorse, with tremendous musical and scholastic results to show for her efforts. C, the middle, has a mind that clearly operates somewhat differently than most people I know. Whereas M’s idea of dinner conversation is to mention a TV commercial, or lines from some sitcom re-run. And M seems to stir up far more unpleasantness than anyone else in the family.
We readily admit that we have very high expectations of our kids. We do not expect/require all As, but the kids are certainly capable of As and Bs. In our opinions, Cs or below are due to an almost intentional lack of effort. And while we do not expect our kids to constantly amuse and entertain us with their witty repartee, we do expect at least that they will not unnecessarily seek to provoke other family members, or lie in response to direct questions.
Wondering if any of you had any thoughts on how we might be able to break what seems to be in danger of becoming a kind of unhealthy circle of behavior within our family. We don’t want to get mad at her and punish her, but we are very frustrated at our supportive efforts being unsuccessful. Thanks in advance for any input.