Three wishes.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

If you had **three **wishes and could not wish for more wishes, (nor could you in any way wish to be able to wish for more wishes), what would they be?

Be careful, the wishes *can *backfire on you if you aren’t specific or careful enough.

So, what will it be?

2

  1. A wish for a lot of money would probably suit my personal needs, say $500,000,000? Greedy, but not overly so!

  2. I’m worried about the current global situation regarding Iran and nuclear weapons, so the second wish would be for a friendly, democratic Iran with an end to their nuclear program.

  3. I don’t think North Korea has the wherewithal to become a threat to the world, but I suppose giving them democracy and trade prospects would lessen our chances for future problems.
    Ask me tomorrow. I’ll change my mind.

3

[Warren Zevon]Lawyers, guns, and money[/Warren Zevon]

Nah, probably peace on earth, cure to human kind’s mental and physical ailments, and social justice for all.

4

How do you know the money wont come from someone else’s bank account?

You have to be specific.

Peace on Earth and curing all diseases might have an impact on world population.

5
  1. I would like my classroom desk to be painted a slightly darker grey.
  2. I want the pencil in the holder on my desk to be 2mm shorter.
  3. I want three dust motes in Chad to settle on a dog.

Those should be suitably harmless.

6
  1. I wish to know precisely how to phrase my other two wishes in order to achieve as many of my goals as possible in ways that will be completely satisfactory to me.

2 & 3) Whatever Wish (1) reveals to me.

It’s worth blowing a wish to avoid accidentally wiping out the human race to produce “Peace on Earth”.

7

Or in pennies? :smiley:

8

Not bad.

Exactly.

9

  1. I want the amount of money I need to pay off all my debts transferred into my account from the account of the shitbag landlord who cheated me all those years ago. If he does not currently have enough, continue draining his account each time he earns anything, and ensure that each transaction is untraceable.

  2. I want the son of a whore dirtbag former friend who attacked me and Mr. Horseshoe last year (after we fed him and let him sleep on our couch for weeks) and subsequently went on to try to get Mr. Horseshoe fired to die an painful and agonizing death, alone, after having outlived his own son.

  3. I want the idiot with the suspended license who hit Mr. Horseshoe’s car last year to buy him a brand-new one, the exact make and model of the one he destroyed.

That specific enough?

10

So this thread can thrive, I would say I would overlook the possible fallout of any of these wishes, and say they are specific enough.
Also… trying to stick it to the people who have wronged you, huh?

11

Hmmmm… ~ 342 million pounds of copper at $3/lb. :smiley:

12

Which temporarily floods the market and drops the price to .25/lb. :smiley:

13

  1. I wish episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars saga were never made

  2. I wish for all the change in everyone’s furniture to be deposited in my bank account

  3. I wish I could be smart enough to stay out of the rain :frowning:

14

This reminds me of an old friend of mine, James. He called me up one day after I hadn’t spoken to him in years! He invited me over to his house, to meet his new girlfriend, which impressed me because this guy never really dated. Well when I got to his address, I started to wonder if I was in the right place because it was this gated mansion! But sure enough, he buzzed me in and I drove up the long driveway and walked to the door.

A few seconds passed and a beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous woman answered the door. She said her name was Cynthia and she was James’ girlfriend. I couldn’t BELIEVE it because this woman was way, way out of his league. So she shows me to the back room where James was hanging out, and I see a figure sitting in a big fancy chair off in the corner.

As I make my way over to where James was sitting, I start to notice something is very wrong with him. His head is enormous. Gigantic. 3 or 4 times the size of a normal head. And it is ORANGE. His head was gigantic and orange. So I’m looking at him, with my mouth wide open, and I ask, “James, what the hell is going on here? How did you afford this place? And how did you get such an awesome babe? And what the HELL is wrong with your head?”

Well, James tells me, “You won’t believe it Drew! I found an old lamp at an antique shop. When I brought it home and polished it, a genie popped out and granted me three wishes! The first wish, I wished for a big fancy house and poof, here I was! My second wish, I wished for a buxom babe that would love me forever, and poof, Cynthia showed up! And then, well my third wish, that’s where I MAY have made a little mistake…”

So I said to him, “Yeah, so what was your third wish???”

And James says, “Well, I wished that I had a big orange head.”

15

So far, my own “Thread Winner” gold star sticker goes to the newbie (go Fool in the Rain!) and I have to admit I can’t parse the punchline to drewtwo99’s joke for the life of me. What am I missing … please? :frowning:

Damn straight I’d like to stick it to those who’ve wronged me and the one I love. Since this thread resides squarely in Fantasy World, I figured it was a good place for violence and mayhem, with a side of financial assistance to round it out. :slight_smile:
But I can do a more peaceful and happy set of three wishes, if the OP will allow it:

  • I wish our dearly departed cat, Clint, could come back exactly as he was as a kitten and be deposited on our doorstep in a little basket so we could have him for his whole life … which would have been one helluva lot longer as he would have received better care than his previous owners gave him.

  • I wish for the entire Debt De La Casa Horseshoe to be simply wiped clean in an untraceable transaction. Let Visa, MasterCard, and our respective MegaBank corporations eat it.

  • I wish for every single person posting or lurking on the Dope that 2012 will be not only the best years of their respective lives but the starting point of something even more beautiful.
    There. How’s that? Ok, #s 1 & 2 were still kinda pissy, I guess, but I tried to make up for it on # 3.

16

Here’s a website that explains WHY it’s funny. You aren’t missing anything.

17

A gold star? :smiley:

proudly sticks it to his chest

moments later looks forlornly upon the wet sticker lying on the rain drenched ground :frowning:

damn, third wish didn’t come true

18

This is the hardest I’ve laughed at anything on the Internet in a long time. I have a bad tendency to skip ahead and read the punchlines of jokes, so I scrolled up til I couldn’t see the last line of your post, read all the joke, and sat there for a minute trying to think of some version of jack-o-lantern or pumpkin or something that the genie might have misheard and that could have been the punchline to the joke. At last I gave up, read the actual punchline, and fell apart.

For me, the joke was on me and my overthinking.

19
  1. I would wish for omnipotence
  2. I would wish for omniscience
  3. I would wish for a paradox machine that could sustain the paradox.

:slight_smile:

20

I’m SO glad you enjoyed it! I think that this is one of the most polarizing jokes ever. Either you completely don’t get it at all, or you think it’s one of the most hilarious things ever. Be careful trying it out on your friends though! You’ll be surprised to find that many (perhaps most) won’t get it or think it’s funny in the slightest.

I heard it originally from an old college professor who taught a class on analyzing humor, and that was an example of anti-humor, IE, it’s funny because it’s not.