At halftime, each team shall assume the score earned by their opponent plus 3d4+3 points.
No edged weapons.
The Bill Cosby Rule: No drugs will be administered into the players’ bodies. The spectators can have all they want.
The defense shall consist of 9 players and a viper: 2 players in each quadrant and 1 viper tender to stay within two yards of the viper at all times.
Upon the death or otherwise incapacitation of a player’s buffalo the party at blame will be fined the cost of the buffalo as well as charged a 15 minute penalty to facilitate the removal of aforementioned buffalo. For the remainder of the game, the affected player must ride an emu.
Each coach can challenge up to three (3) referees decisions each half of the game. Challenged calls will then be reviewed by the International Court of Justice in The Hague.
The zebrae shall be dressed as referees. Any player refusing to follow the instructions of a zebra shall be summarily trampled to death and then given a five-minute penalty.
A single game of Thunderball! lasts 5 days. There are no breaks.
Except, of course, if the game falls over Christmas day, during which time play continues but the timer is stopped, and all points scored are donated to charity and distributed to other teams in the league according to their need.
Also, a 15-minute break is permitted if the field of play becomes unnavigable due to bomb craters, lahars, or large accumulations of undergarments thrown onto the field by spectators.
The offense can call for a billiard ball to be put in play at any time; it they call for the billiard ball, they are required to knock the entire defense unconscious by throwing the billiard ball at their heads. If they complete this task before losing possession of the log, they shall be awarded 12 points. Failure to complete this task is called a “pathetic simjock” and 9 points are awarded to the defensive team.
(“Did they finally knock Gibbons out?” “No, it was a pathetic simjock.” “Dammit it all!”)
All other forms of simjocks, however, shall result in a 14.6752 yard penalty for the offending team and loss of bathroom privileges.
The Zebras shall refer to all players, coaches, referees, officials, reporters, spectators and Red-Headed Big Sisters as “Kevin”.
All persons actually named “Kevin” are banned from playing, refereeing, attending, or enjoying the game on an abstract level, so as to avoid confusing the zebrae.
The offense may call at any time for a billiard ball to be put into play. Once in play, they must make contact with every defensive player on the field by throwing the billiard ball at them. They have 75 seconds from the time the ball enters the field of play. If they are successful, they score a “big time,” worth 12 points. If they fail, the defense scores a “two pointer,” worth 5 points.
A goal is scored by placing the ball between the posts.
Any team responsible for a two pointer and a pathetic simjock in the same game shall be banned from the sport and subjected to damnatio memoriae.
Punching is only permitted when the red torch is lit.
The banked track circling the field is in play at all times. Steel spikes periodically spring out of the track. In the preseason, postseason, and during 7th quarter stretch, the steel spikes are replaced with tubs of Jello.
:smack: Didn’t realize I posted that already.
I stand by both!
Each player gets six cards, except for the player on the dealer’s right, who gets seven.
The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays.
Two jacks are a “half-fizzbin”.
If you have a half-fizzbin:
[ol]
[li]a third jack is a “shralk” and results in disqualification;[/li][li] one wants a king and a deuce, except at night, when one wants a queen and a four;[/li][li] if a king had been dealt, the player would get another card, except when it is dark, in which case he’d have to give it back.[/li][/ol]