The use of Electron Microscopes in the field of play is prohibited.
The wickets will be placed at each end of the field, not less than 20 feet from the goal posts
If the coach sends in a substitute player, but the player on the field doesn’t want to come out of the game, the two players shall fight to the death for the right to play.
Cameras are available for every angle and when a review is called the referump has the ability to see the play from every single perspective needed. Additionally, the teams’ lawyers are allowed the chance to argue their perspective on the call. Ultimately, the replay is watched in the League office in New York where officials and the League president get their say. If it is determined that the referump made a really stupid call, he is tased with 10,000 volts and his replacement is air dropped from Space Station Alpha. If, for monetary or other reasons, a space station isn’t feasible then the replacement can be dropped from a blimp or paraglider or something.
All teams are required to choose ethnically insensitive names.
Use of vuvuzelas by the audience is required, until one of the players finally yells ‘knock it off!’ after which it is prohibited.
Playoffs procedures: The League shall consist of 26 teams in four divisions. After regular season play has concluded, the first place teams will face each other in the first round, W-L record determines the opponent. Second round, the winners of the first round matches will face each other. This is repeated for each level through the divisions. After the second round matches are concluded, the two 7th place teams will face each other for The Championship. Regulation time only, a tie will go to the team with the most exposed skin among it’s fans in the stands. Body paint counts against the total.
A regular season lasts 3 years with a 1 year offseason. The Championship is played on Leap Day.
If the goat explodes, it’s an automatic 10 point plus side out.
Before every game, the National Anthem will be played on a comb and tissue.
Coaching staff, players not currently on the field, equipment managers, and the guys holding the big clear parabolic microphones are allowed to interfere with play on odd-numbered minutes.
If the offensive team can put the log into the center circle (2’ diameter), 23 points will be awarded and a $300 cash bonus to the heaviest offensive player on the field, to be paid out of the general checking account of the opposing team’s defensive coordinator.
At minute intervals equal to the Fibonacci series once play has begun, players must exchange their left shoes with the player nearest them. One legged players and zebras are exempt from this requirement but must exclaim “Nanny O hoop hoop!” to claim the exemption.
Failure to make the exclamation will result in the player being dealt 6 cards from a standard Uno deck. If two or more players receive the six-card penalty, they must play a game of Uno. Winner gets to kick the losers in the groin. If only one player receives the six-card penalty, he gets kicked in the groin by the referee one time for every “Wild” card in his hand.
7th inning is the beer frame.