Tired of being single already

Allow me to whine a bit. I know how annoying that can be.

I have recently come out of a four year relationship…a relationship where I honestly believed she was the one I wanted to marry. Bought a ring and all…took me a year of scraping by to afford the damn thing. But in my mind it was worth every penny. Not three months after I asked her to marry me, she decided to end the relationship. A situation I agonized about for weeks…but have since come to accept. Though it kills me inside…I only desire her happiness…and if tat happininess does not have me in it…then so be it.
But, surprisnigly enough…this is not why I have come to then wise folks at the Straight Dope. Another peculiar, yet confusing incident has happened since I have been unlucky enough to have been dumped.

An old flame has since contacted me…not just an old flame…but THE old flame. The lover by which all others are measured…my first love. We have been having random yet amusing conversations for the past month. It’s like we never parted. After 8 years we are speaking to eachother like we never split up at all.

A little background on the young lady. I met her after traveling the country for a year. I decided that living in Philly was killing me./so I traveled…and ended up in Louisville, Kentucky. While I was there I met the single greatset woman I have ever met. For a year and a half…we had the most amazing relationship. But, the time soon came that I had to move back to Philly (family obligations) and she had to go to college. Pesky reality set in…and we had no choice but to split up. A situation that killed me insoide…though I attempted to be a strong individual about the whole thing.

Anyway…I figuratively died for a few long years after that…but eventually got over it.

Now she’s back in my life, Though I’m , still unsure about what capacity that is.I want to find out what chance we have of making another go at it…but I’m unsure how. This is why I have bothered to take up the time of you kind folks. Do I tell her that she is the single greatest influence in my life…that she is the lover by which all other lovers are measured…do I say that I still lover her unconditionally…and that I always will? Or do I accept the blessing that she is my friend…and that in that capacity I know she will always be in my life? Do I fuck up a friendship by suggesting more?

Well…I leave this rather whiney situation in your capable hands. Am I being an idiot by even tempting fate? or should I take the risk?

Either way…thank you for responding in advance.


Will you ask yourself what might have happened if you didn’t tempt fate?

What’s the worst (realistically speaking) that could happen if you do?

Erm… well I wouldn’t just out and tell her that you love her, have always loved her and will you be with me forever… that’s enough to freak a girl out right there.

I’d suggest putting out feelers, attempt to find out if she has similar feelings. Maybe even try to push the friendship a little towards the more romantic. But I would also suggest not to get your hopes up too much. She may still think about you like that, but equal chances she may not.

Just don’t toss it all on her all of a sudden. That’s my advice.

Yeah, ask her, but not abruptly, and not necessarily mentioning the full extent of your passion.

Just – It’s great having you back in my life again – I really enjoy being with you, and I really care about you – do you think there’s a chance we can try this again?

You started with the fact that you are just coming out of a 4 yr relationship that you had envisioned progressing to marriage.

For both you and your new/old flame, make sure that your present intense feeling aren’t being colored by your recent breakup.

It seems that taking things a bit carefully, while you figure out what is what, might be in order.

Have you seen each other in person, or have you just been speaking by phone/email? If not, I’d say go see her. I’m assuming she’s currently single also? Also, what they said about giving yourself some time to clear your head from your breakup.

Since she took the initiative to contact you, I’m guessing you’ve got a good chance, but I wouldn’t pour my heart out completely. Maybe just tell her you’d like to have another go at things if she feels the same.

Bixby, move on. If “she” is there, you’ll run into her.

I agree with about 80% of what everybody else said. Don’t just blurt out you “love” her, make sure you’re not just on the rebound, and put out feelers.

And something nobody has picked up on is that she contacted you. In my experience people, and especially women, rarely contact old flames for no reason. Quite often they’re either looking for sex or romance like what they had before, either temporarily or for good. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is trying to figure out your status right now, and maybe even hoping you’ll make a move. It’s worth investigating, but heed all the advice above, and proceed with caution. There might be a very good reason why nothing came of the four year relationship.

No one ever regretted going slow.

j_sum1, I agree in principal for the most part, but there are situations where you can lose by going too slow. Sometimes it works out best in the long run, but sometimes it just leaves you pondering the what if’s.

Been there, done that! Ain’t fun. :rolleyes:

You’re in a very precarious situation Bedrosian Bixby, so use caution, but don’t let that keep you from investigating the boundaries a bit. You don’t have to profess your undying love for her (in fact, you shouldn’t), but you can follow the advice of so many of the others here and nudge things toward the romantic. Approaching it with huge expectations will likely leave you disappointed. So play it cool, give a romantic push here and there, and just go with the flow.